Agnostic days...or not

I'm having an agnostic day.  At least a day where I'm having trouble believing in anything.  I suppose it's to be expected that when you discover that what you've believed all your life isn't true, you have trouble believing in anything after that.  I'm pretty sure tomorrow, after a night's sleep and maybe some cooler weather, I'll feel better tomorrow, I'm sure.

My daughter had a baby last week.  I found out about it through the grapevine as she doesn't want me in her life.  I only found out she was pregnant a few days before the baby was born.  When I had cancer, she seemed to want a relationship but the moment my chemo was over, she was out of the picture again.  I sent her a Hebrew alphabet book when Julian was born and she sent me a note that said, "You didn't have to do that."  As if she really wished I hadn't.  I knit the baby a blanket but I'm not sure I'm going to send it as she has expensive tastes and this is hand knit...or in her mind...homemade.  If it's not expensive, she's not interested in it.  Alas, when you marry into money it seems to change a person.  And heaven knows I'm a blight on her existence with our low income.

I didn't go to the wedding either.  My name wasn't on the invitations.  Her stepmom's was.  She makes out like I was never in her life but I raised her by myself the first 7 years of her life.  Her dad told her lies about me and how I was never there so she believes him.  Nothing my parents have said to her matter.  She wants to believe badly of me.

What hurts the most though is that my older sister has a good relationship with her and takes her side against me.  She knows the truth but would rather have a one-up on me.

My dad asked me today when I was coming down to visit.  I said this summer,  hopefully but I don't want to go.  When I go down there they criticize me and he mocks me in front of anyone who will listen.  Why should I put myself through that?  Plus I would be expected to go to church with them and I sure can't stomach their church.  It's the one I was raised in so I know it well.  I could go during the week and leave on the weekend so I wouldn't have to go but the thought of a 11 hour drive wears me out just thinking of it.

I know I'm pretty unsocial these days.  I've been reading on an online pagan loop and there is as much testiness and fundamentalism as there was on my old Christian loop.  I guess it's just people after all.  Someone got pissed because people didn't rally around her post on the oil leak in the Gulf.  Someone else made a huge point of leaving facebook and just wouldn't shut up about how awful facebook is, as if everyone was supposed to leave because she did.  On another online place someone is pissed because people are choosing their own path and she doesn't think they should be able to do that.  At least not do that and call themselves Wiccans.  She's pretty fundie about it being by the book.  And the book being the one by Gardner.

So today I'm a bit off.  Feeling down and feeling alone.  Feeling like I don't have a place out there.  Fortunately I know it's just a mood and the heat and that a good night's sleep will put everything in a different light.  But it's good to get it out and not hold it in like I do on my other blog.  I used to vent there but I deleted a bunch of things because I didn't really want to hurt anyone.  I just needed to get it out.  Now I usually do it on paper and then shred the paper.

I think I need to start getting up early and do some walking and get the bulk of my work out of the way so I can just rest during the hot parts of the day.  I'm useless in this heat and with the a/c not working.  I guess we could put Tom's a/c in the living room but it's for a small bedroom and I'm not sure how effective it would be cooling off the kitchen and living room. Plus how much more money that would cost us.  Still, if I'm going to be effective, I'm going to need a cooler climate.  Last summer was so cool we barely used the fans.  This spring is hotter than last summer was.

Off to put my pjs on and sit in front of the fan and just think cool thoughts.  I'll light a candle for the Goddess once it cools off a bit.  I guess I'm not feeling so agnostic after all.