Crawling out of the depths

I'm feeling a bit better thanks to lots of sleep and finding my way out of this last deep pit of depression.  It's always there but not usually this bad.  I can function quite well most of the time but there are those times when I can barely make it through the day.  I can't take anti-depressants and can't afford therapy.  Not that therapy is necessarily the best way to resolve this.  I was in therapy before but we mostly talked about shopping and stuff so I ended it.  I suppose a good therapist makes the difference but after dealing with Zach's history of crappy therapists, I'm not inclined to go that route again.

I've wondered how people who suffer from depression are supposed to tackle magick during those times since negativity affects the spells.  I just stayed away from anything magickal when I was in my pit.  Unfortunately I also stayed away from everything, including my knitting and crafting.  If I would just ride it out, it would end quicker but I always tend to fight it, thinking I can do something to fix myself.

But as the air is lighter now and my mood is better, and I'm sleeping very well, I'm ready to tackle things again.  I ordered some books before my mood went south and they should be here in a few days to a week.  They are about Anglo Saxon paganism, which is where I seem to be heading.  I'll probably mix druidry into the recipe since that's how I seem to be cooking right now, but we'll see how it all goes.

I've been working on frugality a lot lately, in part due to our circumstances but also because I like myself better when I make that effort.  Plus I feel a lot of Frigg in my efforts. We don't have a cozy relationship right now but I can relate to her and I suspect the lack of warmth in my relationships with the gods has more to do with my issues regarding commitment than their willingness to form one.

And now that my brain is clearing out I should be able to focus on reading again in addition to all the efforts I take regarding living more frugally and working on my crafts again.  These things seem to make up who I am and when I'm unable to do them, I feel empty.  It probably would have taken me weeks to get to that place in therapy.  And with this blog I made it in minutes.

So...now I'm off to fix supper and then crawl into bed and read a bit and then work on knitting socks for Zach.

BB

Practical things

Tom is off hunting for the next week so this is the time I use to clean and de-clutter a bit.  I never throw away anything of his, but there are things of mine that he doesn't think I should get rid of because his family gave them to me...like 20 years ago.  I maintain that if they gave it to me, it's mine and I should be able to do what I want with it, especially after some years have passed.  I really don't think they hang onto everything we gave them, nor should they.  Still, it's like pulling teeth to get Tom to let me give or throw things away.  I just wait until he's gone and do it.  It's not like he's got an inventory of my things, after all.  We are bursting at the seams in this tiny house because he doesn't want to throw anything away.

So...to me getting rid of things that are of no use to you anymore, or are damaged or just taking up space, makes good spiritual sense.  Hanging onto things for no reason seems to be a bit like bondage of sorts. I feel trapped by all the things that take up space and press in on me with their bulk.  The things I can give to someone else, or pass onto a thrift store, will do someone else good instead of taking up much-needed space in a tiny house.  Clutter and crowding make me tense and tension like that doesn't help my spirituality at all.

So this week we will bundle up some things for Goodwill or the thrift store and hopefully clear the air up a bit in here.  Other things will go in the trash.  I hate to do that but I can't think of any other place for them.  I've tried to freecycle things but most people want things in pristine condition and don't want to repair anything.  They constantly look for things on freecycle that are new or nearly new.  And expensive.  It got so bad that at one time the moderators had to start deleting posts that simply wanted to furnish their homes for free.

So some things just go in the trash.

I am trying to get back to frugality-minded living again.  I used to be pretty good at it but I had energy at that time and didn't have arthritis in my knees and hip and my fibromyalgia wasn't as bad as it is now.  Still, it's a state of mind that I need to get back to.  Even if we could afford not to, I think it would still be more in line with the person I think I am spiritually.  I really need to be more conscious of the environment, of spending money on things that we don't need and focusing on the future.  I like myself better when I make more effort that way.

And having said all that, I need to get busy doing it.  The birds have eaten all their food so I need to refill their feeders today and put out my barley offerings to the gods out where they can do some good.  Last night I woke up to see the cat on my altar eating the barley.  I didn't know cats ate raw barley.  I have had to use kill traps on the mice because they were finding their way back in and increasing their population radically.  So I thought what I heard was a mouse on my altar.  Odd.

It's a beautiful day today with sunshine and temps in the high 40s so I hope that makes me feel more like getting things done.  Because if I don't do them, they just don't get done.

Where I seem to be now

I'm still looking into magick although a lot of what I read is contradictory.  No matter, as I never intended to do this any way but intuitive.  Most books on magick (or magic if you want to be anal about it) seem to be from a Wiccan perspective with the Lord and Lady intimately involved in the process.  I'm not bothered by that either.  I'm going the direction I think is best for me.

There has been an emptiness in me without deity, though.  I don't know that the connection between deity and magick is imperative but I do know that the presence of deity in my life is.  I just don't feel complete without them.

And even though I still haven't committed to any gods yet, I am listening to my heart in the matter.  Right now I've made a tentative approach to the Anglo Saxon gods but not that particular culture.  I'm still very drawn to the Celtic way of doing things but not so much to their gods.  Teo Bishop's blog today really intrigued me with his intentions to institute a solitary druid liturgy and group, of sorts.  I do like some of the druidry aspects, although not all of them.  I'm not much into the notion of having to study for years before I'm considered a full member of a group.  Not that I think study isn't necessary in some respects.  But I'm not getting a fucking degree in my particular path so I don't think I should have to go back to college to be able to practice my religion.  So the notion of being solitary really appeals to me and yet it would be nice to be connected to other people as well.

I'm still very turned off by the types of people who tell me (or not me personally but all the "me's" out there who are reading as well) that you can't "pray" to the Norse gods because they don't like it when people grovel and beg and so you should put on your big girl/boy panties and suck it up.  And then tell people who disagree that you can't make up your own religion so you have to do it the way they've said you should do it.  And this isn't just in the Norse groups.  I've seen that in all of the various Pagan disciplines out there.  I think "my way or the highway" is a human construct no matter what religion you're in.

I've resigned myself to the fact that there are asshats in Paganism, much like there are in the Big Three.  There is always going to be someone ridiculing what you do, how you do it and telling you that you should do it their way. 

But as for me, I'm going to blaze my own trail.  For now that seems to include the Anglo Saxon gods.  Who knows if there will be more tomorrow.  Or less.  But I do need that connection to deity in my life.  I'm just not as whole without it. 

Book giveaway at WaneWyrds

A blog I read is having a book giveaway and a beautiful necklace at WaneWyrds.  Go and also enjoy her writing.  She's very good at it.

Everything is neo

One of my problems on this path has been a need for something authentic.  After discovering that I had been lied to all my life about the bible being true, infallible and an accurate account of history, I needed someone to tell me the truth.  I soon discovered that much of both Druidry and Wicca are modern constructs, including some of the deities in the various pantheons.  Not to mention there is no real "Celtic" pantheon at all.  It's a compilation of Irish, Welsh, Scottish and Anglo Saxon.

So I went looking for something that had roots in antiquity.  The Greeks were good for that except those who insist on using only literature from the Classical period as if that is the only time the gods were worshiped properly and anyone else who does it differently is guilty of hubris.  Then I looked to the Norse and it was a disappointment as well since no literature exists that hasn't been written from a Christian perspective.  Or at least with a touch of Christianity thrown into the mix.

It was so demoralizing to me not to be able to find something authentic out there.  Until Zach and I were talking and came to the conclusion that everything is neo, including Christianity, Judaism and Islam.  Everything has evolved to make itself relevant to people today.  Once I realized that, authenticity was no longer an issue for me.  Now it's just a matter of finding the path I'm comfortable on.

For now that path is magick, witchcraft and folklore.  I admit that my beliefs line up the most with the Celtic/druid flavor of the month but I'm not limiting myself to Celtic deities at all.  I will call upon the gods I am connected to.  I don't believe you can just pull a god's name out of a hat and get something from them.  I think you need to establish a relationship with them.  But I don't think it has to be going steady or even a long-term arrangement.

I was reading some of my magick books last night, about spellcrafting, Wicca and Mrs. B's Guide to Household Witchery and felt pretty good about it.  I have felt a pull in the direction of a few gods whom I call upon during morning and evening ritual and we will see how that works out.  I've also pulled out my Druidry books but for skimming...not for studying.

I hope to spend more time studying than online from now on, especially now that the election is over.  I have much to do here, much to accomplish with crafts, learning more about witchcraft and being better at frugality, especially because I never want to be caught out like I was when the bottom dropped out of the economy several years ago.

Thanks so much to the increase in readers lately, in large part to The Crossroads Companion who gave me a Witchy Blog Award.  I'm honored and blushing at her description of my blog.  It was so nice.  I hope to get to the rules and such later this week.

Thanks to all who continue on this path with me, who have had the unbelievable patience to put up with me and who have been there for me.  I found out through Cin that I had captcha on my comment section.  I didn't set it up that way but hopefully it's gone now.  I can never read the darned thing to comment either.

BB

The process is slow

Randomness again.  Not a lot of coherent thoughts on this third day of insomnia but sometimes that incoherence gets deep.

Ladyimbrium mentioned in the comments from yesterday's post that the process is slow and she's right.  But I think it needs to be this slow because impulsiveness has never given me what I wanted in life.

Last night while watching my candles burn and enjoying the incense, I pondered some things that Zach and I had talked about earlier.  I must admit that I still miss the Episcopal Church.  Not Jesus, not Christianity and certainly not Yahweh but I do miss the ritual and form.  And yet not enough to go through the motions.  Because that's all it would be.

But in thinking about that, again, it occurred to me that I had been raised to love Jesus in such a way that swamped all other kinds of love.  As a husband, lover, brother, savior.  And I really did love him in all those ways.  When I fell out of love, I fell hard and haven't found anything to resemble that again.  But...was that really a healthy love?  It was very much an abusive love for me because I spent most of my life trying to live up to his "love" and feel worthy of it.  I listened to sermon after sermon that reinforced what a horrible person I was and how wonderful it was that Jesus "loved" me.  They would call it unconditional love but it never was.  Not really.  In fact there were so many conditions put on that love that I do consider it abusive.

So the problem for me is I haven't fallen in love with any gods out there.  And I don't think falling in love would really be a healthy thing for me.  But I keep drifting, waiting for that spark to ignite a passion that just is never going to happen again.  And because it hasn't happened, I tend to look at it logically, trying to find the perfect match hoping that passion will inflame again.  I tried dating around, but as soon as I break up with the gods, they appeal to me again and I want them back.

I need to stop looking at it less like a relationship and more like a spiritual connection.  And stop putting limits on how I honor the gods as well as who I honor.  For the first time, I'm not adverse to worshiping gods outside their pantheons.  I'm just not committing to it yet.  For now, I'm still working on loving me unconditionally and letting myself grow spiritually and emotionally. And if I do end up with a pantheon or a compilation of pantheons, then I will do what's healthy for me.  No more abusive relationships for me.

Brain dead, nearly the same spiritually

Samhain wasn't as much as I wanted it to be.  Just some candles, incense and a few words with the ancestors.  I'm battling some awful fatigue and not being able to sleep stuff.  It's not insomnia because I would sleep if I was allowed to but the dog goes through spells where he wants outside 10 times a night and if I don't let him out he wees on the curtain or misses the puppy pads.  Hard to believe a little dog like that can produce that much urine.  Especially at night.

Plus this is the season for robocalls and they are monstrous.  I get about 10 calls a morning, some of them within minutes of each other.  I can't turn the ringer off because sometimes Tom gets calls from work.  Plus I have parents with health issues and I can't not have the phone ring.  And of course all these calls are from the religious right who think if they bombard a person often enough and heavy enough, they will vote for their candidate.  Not in a million years would I vote for anyone on the right.

"Nuff politics.

I'm still working exclusively on magick and not deities although I've had many try to get their feet in the door.  Until I know my own mind, no one gets in. I considered a spell today while at the store because there were two groups of people having reunions next to the two items I needed to get today and no amount of coughing and excusing myself made a bit of difference.  I'm not like my husband who will simply edge them out of the way in order to get what he wanted.  But with a raging allergy headache and almost no sleep this past week, I didn't dare try anything involving energy.  But I might plan something for the next time.

I considered giving up this blog as I only have a couple of readers anymore.  I think my indecision has run everyone else off.  But the purpose of the blog was for me to expose myself in order to sort everything out in a more honest fashion so I'm staying around.  Warts and all.

But for now I'm going to try to rest this weekend and leave the bulk of the work to my men so I can get some rest and study going on.  Not to mention work on my granddaughter's baby blanket.  I've had to rip it back so many times I may never get it done.  I just need some focus and that won't happen without some rest and spiritual refreshing.

BB