Got the June newsletter from church and read a letter in there from a guy who had been attending for a few months. He was quitting and going to the Catholic church. That makes 5 people gone in the past month, including us. Plus another man quit the position of sexton so now there are 3 administrative positions open, including Zach's Vestry position. It's a tiny church as it is and we've lost 4 good sized families in the past year to moves out of town.
All those residual feelings of regret just sort of dissipated after reading the newsletter. I do feel very sorry for the church and wouldn't want it to fail. There are some good people there and the manner of worship, ritual and such are beautiful. But I can't keep being torn in two anymore. If I go there, I'm going for the ritual only, not for the beliefs. If I stay home, I have all the ritual I want or need AND the beliefs. And my "church" is everywhere. I don't have to get up and drive after 3 hours' sleep. I can sleep in and just do my thing at one of my altars. Or better yet, wait until dark and go outside and enjoy the quiet beauty of the night.
I haven't actually figured out who my Gods/Goddesses are just yet. I lean toward the Lady and the Lord but I also have an affection for Lugh. At one time I felt drawn to Brigid but lately not so much. This time, I'm not going to push it. I'll wait until I feel them and know their names. My rituals are plain; I haven't begun trying to learn magick although I am slowly figuring out tarot and crystals. I just don't feel like rushing into anything.
In the past whenever I would find a new direction, I would go all gung ho, trying to be the best whatever I could be. Now, I'm just content to be small for a while and wait to grow. I do want to start being more consistent though, developing ritual and routine, if nothing else, just to develop some good habits.
One of which should be staying offline more. I'm beginning to think that's part of what's draining my energy. I've left one group and have whittled down some blogs I used to read. Part of the time is spent on news though. I don't like television news so I tend to read online instead. It does take longer this way but I'm not crazy about any of the stations, especially Fox News, which my husband has on every morning and night.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better than today and that my path will become clearer as time moves on.