Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Anticipating the upcoming heat spell

We're facing another heat wave coming in tomorrow morning, only this one appears to be sticking around for about a week.  I just can't afford to use the a/c that long but I will limit it to the days that are unbearable.  Low 90s we can tolerate.  Mid to high...not so much.

I did some finessing in my bedroom today, moving the extra tv out and putting my altar back on the west wall next to the window.  It just didn't feel right on the east wall, although aesthetically it looked better.  I will reconsecrate it tonight after I finish rearranging the dining room.  I'm clearing a path for the new stove that will arrive on Friday.  I wish I could get the whole house cleaned so I can smudge and cleanse it.  So much negative energy here.  Plus I'm thinking there's a curse or something hanging around.  No one can have as much bad luck as we do naturally.

I've been doing a lot of reading, although not all of it to do with spirituality.  I finished up The Help the other day and then watched the movie.  I made the mistake of reading a message board about the movie and was incensed to read all the bigoted remarks there about how the movie was over the top since stuff like that never happened in the south and how maids used to steal stuff and that's why they were treated badly, not because they were black.  I had to stop reading and take several deep breaths.  And delete that site forever from my memory.

But other reading has been about spirituality and I've found some lovely prayers that I've re-written into my journal.  I'm finally forging a connection with the gods after a really long dry spell.  It feels good to be back on the right path, although this time I'm making the decisions about the direction instead of letting the path make my decisions for me.  Not a control freak, but I do know what is right for me.

Short post today because I have to tear apart the dining room and get it over with so I can crawl into bed and watch Dark Shadows.  I just got the fourth collection from the library.  This will take a long time as there are over 22 collections available.  I hope I don't burn out before I get to the end.  Plus there is a lot of down time in between watchings as they are all on a waiting list.

But tonight is for Barnabus!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Happy Midsummer

This is the last day of the unseasonal heat spell we're having here.  And no, I didn't cast that particular spell.  I'm thinking this one comes from that non-existent thing called global warming.  You know...that thing that the liberals lie about and everything is just fine because god is in control bullshit.

My trip to Southern Indiana has been postponed indefinitely.  Tom's lead man has been in the hospital and there was no certainty that he would get out in time.  Truthfully, I found it a relief to cancel all the plans.  I don't travel well and my relationship with my family is best experienced at a distance.  Not discounting the possibility that I'm equally to blame in this.  If I had tougher skin and could grow up enough that my parents don't intimidate me, I would be a much better person for it.

Things continue to grow and evolve here at home.  Except for the heat leaving everyone limp and lifeless to do nothing more than facebook or watch tv and knit....lightweight things, of course.  My focus lately has been on the Norse/Anglo-Saxon gods as they seem to spark the most interest and magic in me.  But my path is definitely not Asatru or anything that has any modicum of rigidity to it.  Druidry and witchcraft (the non-Wiccan kind) appeal to me the most but neither addresses it in its entirety.  I am walking my own path, designed and laid out for me by me.  And the gods, of course.

I dug out my books on the Norse gods and plan on sitting in front of the air conditioner this afternoon and reading them.  As soon as I finish this up, I'm going to do that.  I am much more comfortable with them than I have been with any other gods but the connection with Asatru and other more structured facets of that particular religion were a real barrier for me.  I couldn't disconnect the gods from their followers.  I rejoined the Norse Women group on facebook and that helps a lot since most of them aren't part of any formal, structured path.  My interest seems to be more toward the Anglo-Saxon perspective of the gods as that is my ancestral heritage, along with Welsh and Scottish.  Maybe Irish...not sure of that.  Not that I think ancestral heritage is how people should go....just how I want to go.

I had intended to fix up the outside altar before Midsummer but it's been too hot to mow and the grass is too crispy anyway.  I think we'll do indoor ritual tonight, even though it's supposed to cool off by about midnight.  I bought mosquito-repellant bracelets to wear for ritual but tonight just isn't going to work for me.

Tom still might get his days off this weekend but we won't find out until it would be too late to cancel the motel reservations.  And anyway he's wiped out from having to do the work of two men for months on end.  Just found a lead man only to have him go into the hospital within a week of getting him.  If he does get these days off, I plan on a day trip someplace so we can get out of the house for a bit.  Zach would love the time alone, but he's welcome to come as well.  Otherwise he might work on his car since it needs some repair.  Or the truck.  We can afford the alternator now that we're not going down to Indiana.

Tom had mentioned the Solstice to me late last week and asked me if it was an important date to me.  I was pleased he was so interested and supportive.  Our relationship has improved so much since I left Christianity.  And there is no doubt that that is what changed things for us.  I'm sure some of my beliefs leave him perplexed and maybe even mildly amused.  Of course some of his beliefs leave me banging my head on a desk...but privately.  I try very hard not to disparage his beliefs but he does know how frustrated I am by the imposition of Christianity into politics.

Now off to read and enjoy the a/c.  And a night of temps in the 60s once again.


Tuesday, June 12, 2012


I tell myself not to write if I don't have anything to say but I never listen to me so I'm going to do it anyway.

My mother is home from the rehab center.  Just got home tonight but I won't call until tomorrow.  I imagine she's pretty tired.  Plus that first night home should be for her and not for everyone else.  I can't say I'm really thrilled about the trip down there.  I want to see everyone but the trip itself is long and boring and there is a small party for them the night we get there...after driving 10+ hours.  Not sure what kind of party mood I'll be in.

I love my family best from a distance but in small doses it can be nice.  I just hope this is one of the nice visits. 

The insomnia has been bad lately.  The night before my physical I didn't get any sleep and that has messed me up ever since then.  I always have anxiety attacks about my physicals but there is never any reason to because my dr is reasonable, nice and understanding.  Never nags and lets me cry on her shoulder even when I know she has other patients.  Didn't cry on her shoulder this time but in the past I have.  Plus since I haven't had any suspect pap smears since my cancer treatment, I can go to having them every three years.  That was better than Christmas!  I hate them.

Zach has been wanting to get together for some studies but with this crappy insomnia I haven't felt like it lately.  I promised him we would do it tomorrow afternoon.  If I wait until night I'm dead to the world.  This week after he mows the yard we're going to set up our grove out behind the garage.  It's fairly private there.  And I know for a fact there is a bunny nest there as well.  They're behind the mattress and box spring frames I'm using for a lattice so the dog can't get to them.  I'd like to have it ready for Midsummer.  I think magical things could happen this year.

But tonight I'm focusing on sleep since we had to get up early to go to Fond du Lac for Zach's appointment with the hematologist (who is also my oncologist) and I'm really, really tired.  I can't focus on any of my books so I'm reading a biography of Queen Elizabeth II.  Fascinating stuff.

But off to read and perhaps knit a while and then sleep.  I don't feel particularly spiritual when I'm dragging my ass from fatigue.


Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Opening up and closing down

With the contentious election behind us it's time to focus on the things closer to home:  spiritual and physical health.  Zach has expressed a desire for joint practices even if we aren't necessarily in the same spiritual place.  I love the idea and have missed having someone to share this with.  It's good to open myself up to having someone else involved in my spiritual practices.

But I have noticed as I get deeper and deeper into my studies that I just don't feel like sharing what I'm learning or what I feel about what I'm learning.  I've never really had that desire for privacy before but I intend to go with my instincts and at least for now, keep that in my private journal.  None of it is secret...just personal.  It may be from time to time that my big mouth overcomes this newfound reticence to share and I'll give an earful but for now...I rather like the idea of keeping something private.  I'm used to closing down but this time it's deliberate and for a reason.

So far Zach and I have had morning and evening rituals.  I keep them brief and simple because I think if something is too elaborate, it can become tedious and people tend to discard things that are tedious.  I do have plans for the Sabbats and Esbats though.  Bigger plans anyway.

He has taken over my animal altar because he wanted something outside of his room.  We're using the altar in my room for a family altar and my hearth altar in the kitchen has become more of a personal place for me.  He is designing the outdoor altar on paper for now.  He's more in a grove kind of mind rather, which I rather like the idea of.  Be using potted plants for the most part since the clothes line is there.  But we can use the clothes line by putting a sheet up there for privacy.  Our neighbor uses his back yard a lot for parties...he's young and has a lot of friends.  They're not intrusive or noisy but we have small yards and no privacy fences so a sheet will help for those evening rituals we want to keep to ourselves.

We're also determined to get out of our shells and start finding a community of other Pagans, no matter what their flavor is.  Cindy moving to this neck of the woods will help although that's still an hour away, but I think most everything we are interested in is at least that far away.  We're in the Bible necklace here, as Zach likes to call it.  It will do us good to push past our comfort zones and get out there.

In the meantime, I continue to study, read and grow spiritually.  That I have to do on my own anyway.


Saturday, June 2, 2012

Mostly blathering

I have been doing some studying but not as much as I would like.  Instead I've been working on my knitting projects.  Having a deadline keeps me more focused on that than something I don't have a deadline on.  And most of the books I already own.  The others I can get from the library at any time so there is no urgency about them.  Full Moon is coming up so I hope to have a ritual in place for that.  Mostly just daily ritual for now.  Morning and evening candles and incense with some prayers and miniscule ritual for that.

I do feel good about the progress I'm making even if it is slow.  My mother's health is improving along with her lucidity so that helps take the stress off a bit, except for the impending visit.  And with my upcoming physical.  I always stress out to the point of making myself ill for that.  Don't ask me why because I don't know, but I always do.  I lose sleep, eat terribly and gain weight for the event.

I'm not particularly looking forward to the visit in Indiana, but not because I don't want to see everyone.  I don't sleep well away from home and although we're getting a room, I'm still going to be in the room with a man who can snore the windows out of their frames.  Ear plugs don't work because I can't sleep if I can't hear what's going on around me.  I'm taking Zach's portable dvd player so I can maybe put the earphones on and watch that as I fall asleep.

Also...there will be a lot of Christianizing while I'm down there.  I expect to hear a lot of talk about how God has taken care of my mother and tons of praying...especially as my sister and her husband are both Baptist ministers.  I don't intend to do anything to "out" myself to my younger sister or my parents.  I really don't need the lectures and pile on that would happen for that, so I'll just go along with it, but it will be incredibly uncomfortable.  I remember as a Christian that I really didn't care what other people thought when we talked God nonstop or prayed in front of them.  I was really obnoxious about it all, feeling very privileged and within my rights to impose my beliefs on them.  Maybe this is all just payback.  :)

I have great plans for my outdoor altar as soon as I have the energy to work on it.  I slept for 11 hours last nght but not deeply so I'm not the least bit rested.  What I need are several nights of good, deep sleep.  I'm going to work on that to the exclusion of everything else.  Otherwise nothing else will ever get done.