Monday, October 27, 2014

Pain isn't a switch you can turn off because it makes other people uncomfortable

I've been mentally writing a post for this blog for several days now and still don't have anything to put down in print.  The content has become incredibly painful and I find myself going further than I intend to so it's taking a lot longer to write.  It has to do with Samhain and my mother.  The more I delve into my relationship with her the more I find deep pain. Both with her and with my still-living father.

And the pain isn't just from my relationship with them but from peripheral relationships that have determined that my perspective on my pain is "wallowing" and that I should just let it all go.  I don't know why talking about pain has now equated wallowing.  In fact, I know it hasn't.  My mother's death is still raw to me.  It's been a year and half since she died but I still haven't process the grief.  I guess I didn't grieve at the appropriate speed.

In pondering all of this, I've also had to deal with my departure from Christianity and all its rules.  One being that one must forgive.  It's mandatory.  Some of the more liberal denominations say it's for the health of the forgiver but what if forgiving isn't healthy?  Why has no one admitted that blanket forgiveness isn't healthy for everyone?  Forgiveness that is forced is far from the panacea we're brainwashed into believing.  The notion that we must "get over" or "let go" of things doesn't always heal.  Sometimes we need to process those hurts until we understand them and can move on with our lives.  Even if that means we never let go of them.  People who tell you to let go of your pain aren't experiencing your pain.  They are not empathetic to your anguish.  They only know they got over theirs (or suppressed it successfully).  And quite frankly they don't really care about yours.

Also, I've noticed that people who want you to forgive do so because they're bored with your pain.  No one really is interested in your story.  While you're trying to explain your pain they're busy thinking about what they're going to say to you to "fix" you so they don't have to hear it anymore.  And maybe, just maybe, the person in pain is talking about it so much because no one ever listens to what they're saying.

Maybe I'll forgive someday.  But if I do it will be because I can.  Not because I'm pressured to.  Or because I'm shamed into doing it.  Or maybe I won't.  But either way, it will be for my health.  Not forgiving isn't wallowing.  Sometimes it's protecting.

Telling someone to get over their pain is the same as telling someone with depression to just get over it.  Come to think of it...I've had that said to me, too.

Friday, October 17, 2014


My altar.  Cernnunos and Ceridwen on the upper shelf, Dagda in the picture frame on the lower shelf and the statue is Danu.  My Animal Oracle cards, a box of my crystals and stones behind everything in the raven box.  Tunes to the side (Damh the Bard, of course.)  My incense in the cauldron. Sticks of incense in the eagle statue.  Chalice and bowl for offerings.

I need to work on my photography.  I don't hold still as well as I should so a lot of what I take is blurry.

The wall above my altar.  The Sun and Moon, my mother's picture, Gwyn ap Nudd and Airmid.  The plaque is Mannanan mac Lir.  Briganti is on another altar but I'll have to take that picture later. That altar needs cleaning.

Zach and I have started on The Book of Celtic Magic by Kristoffer Hughes.  Some authors I click with and others are a bit difficult to make that connection with.  Kristoffer Hughes is one I really do connect with.  Another one is Alaric Albertsson, but while I love his books, my path is firmly in another direction now.  Still, there is much to glean from his books as well, especially To Walk a Pagan Path, which is beyond excellent.  It's generic Pagan so any path can benefit from it.

I also have from the Cauldron Born by Kristoffer Hughes as well.  That one I'm doing by myself.  I really feel drawn to Ceridwen and this book is helping open up that connection.

Also...Damh the Bard just really rocks!  It took a while to find the missing part of my spirituality:  music.  But having done that I am discovering the electric connection between the music and the gods.  It's amazing how that is working for me.  I love that his songs are so demonstrative of what a bard really is.  I finally feel complete now on my path.

I do have a lot of organizing to do yet, clearing up the back yard so our Samhain ritual will be in a more peaceful environment.  The chaos off weeds and clutter back there is really distressful but I haven't had the energy to work on it.  Plus the chronic pain I have to deal with.  It has been a lot better now that I'm taking turmeric but I'm having another flare up of the sciatica which not even the tramadol will help so it will be next week before I can get out there and work on the yard.  Meantime I'm knitting some socks for my sister's husband and I think one of his young relatives.  Not sure who the boy belongs to, but he's getting orange socks.  As per request.  Actually, more like pumpkin.   I got the yarn for that today so as soon as I'm done with the bil's socks (tonight) I'll start on the boy's socks.

I love how I can incorporate my crafts, my creativity and the music into my spiritual path.  I love that about Druidry.  Mostly though, I just love the gods.  I finally fell in love with them.  It's another part that has been missing for me.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Post-weekend report...surviving Zach's new job

The weekend was a bit of a blur.  Zach started his job and I had laundry and driving to do.  Lots of laundry.  I got behind apparently.  Meals to prepare (Zach prepares his own lunch box, of course) and errands on top of the chauffeuring.

I didn't knit as much as I would have liked to.  I'm a bit achy and knitting sometimes just hurts.  Around the shoulders.  I use circular needles mostly because they help in that but with the weather changing and rain off and on, I'm achy.  But at least the sciatica is at an ebb and the fibromyalgia is better with the turmeric.  Still, the achiness of the fibro wears on me physically and emotionally.  Chronic pain beats you down.

I'm nearly done with my brother-in-law's socks.  My sister wants me to knit some socks for a young boy so I ordered the yarn for that.  I had hoped to find it in JoAnn's but they didn't have the color I needed.  Shipping and handling have eaten up any profit but that's the way it is.  I don't like to charge much for family anyway.

I haven't done any studying but I have spent some time in meditation of sorts.  Not long, given my inability to concentrate when I'm dealing with pain, but I do feel it's helping.  I'm making connections I hadn't made before.  The music is helping as well.  As Samhain approaches I can feel the veil thinning.  When I drive past the country graveyard, I can feel something growing.  Just an energy, nothing malignant.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do as far as the ancestors go.  This is the second Samhain since my mother died.  I didn't do anything much last year as far as honoring it.  I hope to this year.  I plan on using my fire pit on that night.  Having a small ritual outside.  Before we always used just candles but I'd like to make it a bigger event this year.

Zach's birthday is coming up this week.  Unfortunately he has to work that night so we won't be going out to eat this year.  Maybe some other day we can do that.  We already got him his birthday presents.  The complete set of The Iron Druid Chronicles.  He loves those books and already finished one the night we gave them to him.

I've read a couple of them but I'll wait to read the rest.  Give him time to enjoy them first.

Have to go get him some new shoes tonight.  His feet are very wide and he has a high instep in addition to having flat feet.  So walking around all night is very painful for him.  The shoes he has right now are just cheap shoes with no arch support so we're going to try to find something that is comfortable.  Very hard to do with all his feet issues.  And gel insoles don't fit inside his shoes because they leave no room for his feet.  It's very painful to wear them.  Tall and wide feet are a difficult combination.

I hope we can find some.  Last time we were there for 3 hours and walked away with nothing because there weren't any shoes that really fit him.  I'm taking a book to read this time.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Listening and looking and learning...the road to my intentions

I think I've come a long way spiritually in spite of the difficulty in finding a way that speaks to me.  I don't feel as torn or confused as I did before and Iknow with certainty that I am being led.   No matter where I look, Cernnunos is there.  Cerridwen is everywhere I turn as well.  I feel them, hear them.  Sometimes I think I even see them...and not the statues on my altar.

I don't think I stopped long enough to let them make themselves known to me.  Or maybe I just had to get the others out of my system so I could concentrate on who was really out there.  Or maybe both things had to happen before I could open myself up to the gods who were calling to me.

I feel much calmer and more assured of my own worth.  I haven't felt that way in...well...never.  Makes me think of the song from HairsprayI know where I'm going and I know where I've been.  I feel like that.  Yeah.

My back and leg are feeling better although I did go back to bed with the heating pad this morning after taking Zach to work.  It's fast becoming my best friend.  Pain interferes with my concentration and the exhaustion from a bout of pain leaves me completely unfocused.  I didn't sleep well last night because of the fibromyalgia.  Aching like I had the flu.  But I didn't take a tramadol because while painful, it wasn't PAINFUL.  If you know what I mean.  Besides, I don't think the tramadol really works that much for me anyway.

I'm hoping, now that Zach's schedule has normalized, to better manage my time and get some organization going on here at home.  De-cluttering, putting things where they can be accessed more easily.  Organizing my spiritual tools and supplies, crafts, books, clothes.  I'd like to unload the piano so I can start playing again.

I just hope this time I have follow-through.  Another problem I suffer from.  I have the best of intentions but no energy to fulfill them.

Maybe managing the house energy better will help.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014


I'm still here.  Lots going on because Zach got a job and since he doesn't drive, I've been the chauffeur getting him where he needs to go.  He's going to try to drive again but first things first.  Let's get him going with the job.  Then worry about getting him behind the wheel.  If I can get him behind said wheel without him passing out from hyperventilating, that's a huge step forward.

OCD.  Not a joke at all.

I'm battling sciatica right now.  This is the worst it's ever been and has switched sides apparently.  Makes fibromyalgia seem like a walk in the park.  And it's definitely not.  The turmeric I've been taking has really diminished the pain from the fibro to the degree I'm only taking a couple of tramadol a week as opposed to a couple a day.  But this...tramadol didn't even put a dent in the pain level last night.  I spent the night in excruciating pain.  Which for me is a lot as I have a high tolerance for pain.

After a day of racing around getting Zach's uniforms, DMV and the credit union, I grabbed some tylenol, valerian and a heating pad and slept for 2 hours.  The pain is down to around a 7 on the pain scale.  It was up there at 9.  Unfortunately couldn't cook.  Standing or sitting makes it start creeping up there so I'm off to bed here in a minute.

The full-ish moon was lovely tonight but with this pain I can't concentrate on ritual.  I'm just going to light some candles and ask Cerridwen's blessings on me and mine.  Definitely not getting up before dawn to see the eclipse.  At least not on purpose.

Off to bed.  Zach and I are going to study a bit tonight.  I've discovered Kristoffer Hughes's books and love them. 

Friday, October 3, 2014

Filling in the empty places

No, I didn't get the socks done in time.  Not even close.  In fact, I didn't even finish one sock.  So now I'm back to a more relaxed knitting routine.  As if I'll ever finish anything any time soon.

I love my Damh the Bard cds.  I finally realized what was missing for me.  Music that was related to my spiritual path.  I feel really complete now with my gods and the music to celebrate them.  The rituals are important to me but not as important as the empty places being filled.

It's blustery today with temps in the 40s.  Quite a change from last week.  Flurries are predicted for tomorrow morning and I don't have the house ready to use the furnace.  I have to put the storm windows on, plastic on the older windows, replace the duct in the basement that rusted out last winter and is 70% duct tape at this point.  Get all the windows shut actually.  The basement windows are still open.  Not easy for me to do today because my sciatica is acting up.  Oh, joy.

I love autumn best.  It's when I start feeling like I'm coming to life.  I'm a child of the night, I think.  I prefer the night to the day, the dark half of the year to the light half.  Cerridwen calls to me from the night and I see Cernnunos in the moonlit forest when I focus on him.

I can't remember the last time I felt this whole.