Friday, May 14, 2010

Keeping the container filled

I was thinking today about selflessness and how my former spiritual path put a huge focus on not thinking about yourself, or giving to yourself.  Or putting yourself first.  I feel like a container that has been slowly drained all these years without being refilled.  Maybe it's time to change that.  Not to the degree of abject selfishness, but in such a way that keeps me filled instead of empty all the time.  I can't help but think that all my fatigue and pain and depression have a connection to spending years of not putting myself first without dealing with intense guilt and anxiety.

I'm not sure how to do that, but it's something I do intend to explore.  Maybe not to the degree that I take the dark meat instead of letting the guys take it since they don't like white meat, but I am going to find ways that don't harm my family but help me.  I'm sure part of the solution will be to find activities and friends whom I have things in common with.  Stretch myself and stop hiding behind these walls.  Stop doing things I hate because I hate hurting other people worse.  Or it's more like I fear hurting other people. 

I don't mean I should turn into a raging bitch, cracking the whip and demanding the world bow to my demands.  But it does mean that I shouldn't have to pretend to be someone I'm not or that I enjoy things that make me miserable.  To a degree.  Sometimes the people you live with make it more difficult to take that stand.

I still feel so inadequate about everything.  I've been trying to come up with ideas for crafts and things to make to sell but my mind is a total blank.  I don't feel like I can come up with original ideas at all.  Maybe it's because the container is so empty right now.  Maybe I need to fill it with things that will create a spark of life in me again.

When I was on anti-depressants (which I can't take now because of a possible fatal interaction with other meds I'm on) I remember how it felt like the sun never really shone.  I never felt bright or creative.  I think that's one of the things I should focus on with this filling I need.  Learning how to draw from within and pull out the person I used to be and find the spark of the Goddess inside me and let that flow out through my fingers or my brain.

I have so far to go but unlike my former path, don't feel like it's a race or a competition.  I'll admit there are times I'm reading another Pagan's email or blog and I haven't a clue what they're talking about.  It's like dealing with a Christian who is always talking about isms and quoting the early church fathers.  It makes me feel a bit left out, but I have to remember that everyone was new once and I need to stop being so hard on myself.

Feeling like a part of a group comes with time and familiarity and effort on my part as well.  I just need to take that first step.


  1. Yes, the balance. The selflessness thing is so hard to nail down when coming away from the sometimes not so great Christianized version of what that means.

    I just finished (finally) "ChristoPaganism: An Inclusive Path,"

    and I really resonated with a bit of it - especially the last part where there were some volunteers who shared how they came to their path and why and what it looks like. It gave me hope that there is a path for me and it made me breathe a sigh of relief that it's okay if my path doesn't look like any one else's.

    As for the anxiety/depression: yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

  2. Yes, it always confused me when some people were allowed to think only of themselves but those of us who were on a "lesser" level were supposed to be all-giving.

    The book sounds good and I hope it gives you a direction. For me, though, at least at this time of my life, I just can't have anything to do with Christianity. When I lost my faith, I thought I had lost everything, but now I feel like I've gained much more than I ever lost.

    Now I just need to find some energy to help me enjoy it.