I was thinking today about selflessness and how my former spiritual path put a huge focus on not thinking about yourself, or giving to yourself. Or putting yourself first. I feel like a container that has been slowly drained all these years without being refilled. Maybe it's time to change that. Not to the degree of abject selfishness, but in such a way that keeps me filled instead of empty all the time. I can't help but think that all my fatigue and pain and depression have a connection to spending years of not putting myself first without dealing with intense guilt and anxiety.
I'm not sure how to do that, but it's something I do intend to explore. Maybe not to the degree that I take the dark meat instead of letting the guys take it since they don't like white meat, but I am going to find ways that don't harm my family but help me. I'm sure part of the solution will be to find activities and friends whom I have things in common with. Stretch myself and stop hiding behind these walls. Stop doing things I hate because I hate hurting other people worse. Or it's more like I fear hurting other people.
I don't mean I should turn into a raging bitch, cracking the whip and demanding the world bow to my demands. But it does mean that I shouldn't have to pretend to be someone I'm not or that I enjoy things that make me miserable. To a degree. Sometimes the people you live with make it more difficult to take that stand.
I still feel so inadequate about everything. I've been trying to come up with ideas for crafts and things to make to sell but my mind is a total blank. I don't feel like I can come up with original ideas at all. Maybe it's because the container is so empty right now. Maybe I need to fill it with things that will create a spark of life in me again.
When I was on anti-depressants (which I can't take now because of a possible fatal interaction with other meds I'm on) I remember how it felt like the sun never really shone. I never felt bright or creative. I think that's one of the things I should focus on with this filling I need. Learning how to draw from within and pull out the person I used to be and find the spark of the Goddess inside me and let that flow out through my fingers or my brain.
I have so far to go but unlike my former path, don't feel like it's a race or a competition. I'll admit there are times I'm reading another Pagan's email or blog and I haven't a clue what they're talking about. It's like dealing with a Christian who is always talking about isms and quoting the early church fathers. It makes me feel a bit left out, but I have to remember that everyone was new once and I need to stop being so hard on myself.
Feeling like a part of a group comes with time and familiarity and effort on my part as well. I just need to take that first step.