Today was a good day full of positive things. I got sleep last night, was more energetic today and felt more positive about my path. Although I will admit that I woke up with a real longing to go back to church. I thought about this most of the day until I remembered that I had gotten a very nice email from the priest in response to my resignation from the altar guild. She's a very warm, understanding person and gave me all the space I needed. Once I remembered that I realized that I have an innate need to please people in authority and that was the reason I was wanting to return. Not because I missed the ritual but because I wanted to respond to her being nice to me.
I do miss the people at times, but it's not like we were close. I haven't heard from anyone in the nearly 6 weeks we've been absent. So it's not like I'm missing opportunities.
I'm also starting to feel a bit more imaginative which is great to find out that my mojo isn't gone forever. It's not really back yet but it is sending postcards now, so that's a huge improvement. And now that I'm feeling better, I'm fully intending to tackle this shell I reside in and start treating it like I love it. Better choice of foods, more activity (if I don't call it exercise maybe it will be more like fun) and a more positive outlook. Not that I think it will be a slam-dunk. I know me and I know just how hard this will be. I'm not terribly good at the follow-through so I've got to be ever vigilant and keep my focus.
The books on ritual didn't come in to the library yet but I found a list of podcasts that might help. Tom is going to let me borrow his mp3 player so I can download them. I just must remember to delete them when I"m done in case he wants it back.
A bit of a surprise today as there was a person online who resented her path being called Pagan and gave a list of reason why not, mostly because it wasn't called that back in the pre-classical age apparently. I hadn't thought about it much but I suppose it's the way Christians started being called Christian. At first it was an insult and now it's just what they call themselves and how they are known world-wide. Although there are an increasing number of sects that don't want to be called that anymore because they, of course, are following the Way as it was taught from the very beginning and don't want to associate with those who have perverted it over the millenia. Not that I'm comparing them to the person who seemed bitter about being called a Pagan.
It doesn't bother me to be called Pagan; in fact I'm a bit proud of it. I guess it's just a matter of being sensitive to someone else's wishes without twisting your shorts up your butt trying to please everyone. If you tell me, I'll accommodate you but don't expect me to be able to read your mind and don't expect me to call myself what you want me to.
Yeah...I'm not going to go back to living a way of life where I'm under anyone's thumb spiritually ever again. As Russell Crowe (John Nash) says in A Beautiful Mind, "Despite my privileged upbringing, I'm actually quite well-balanced. I have a chip on both shoulders." Okay, I didn't have a privileged upbringing, and I'm probably not well-balanced, but I'm pretty sure I have a chip on both shoulders.
At any rate, it's getting dark enough to turn on the lights so I shall go have a soothing shower and crawl into bed, knit and watch the dvds I got from the library today.