A discussion today on Christopaganism has left me feeling even more decided. I'm so glad Tana brought up the subject because it made me see why I couldn't blend the two. There is no belief left for me in Jesus or Christ or the God of the Bible so it would be impossible for me to try to incorporate them into my pantheon. That's why I couldn't enjoy the rituals in church any longer. It occurred to me that when I would do altar guild by myself I would be able to designate worship to whatever God/Goddess I felt close to at that moment but if my partner was there, I was unable to because the actions were specific to Jesus.
The same way for church services. The Eucharist lost its meaning for me and I could no longer look at it as an ancient pagan practice because the people there were making it too specific. Which, of course, they should have done. It was their worship service after all.
But these realizations have left me feeling much lighter and more certain that I am on the right path. Which I really needed today.
I pushed myself to get some outdoor work done but I'm still a bit weak. I'm not sure if I haven't fully recovered from the flu or if my depression/spiritual crisis/chronic illness haven't kept me from bouncing back. Getting things done today, however, did make me feel more positive about getting things done tomorrow. And being outside in the sunshine was like a tonic. I'm setting up the outdoor area, which I think Tom will like as well, and then I'll work on my outdoor altar. Since I have my bedroom altar, it's not that critical but it would be nice to have it soon so I can enjoy it this summer.
I think on some level Tom knows something but his tendency is not to look too closely at things he doesn't want to know about. And I'm fine with that. I don't anticipate him ranting and raging should he find out, but I anticipate him trying to change my mind and I've been through that already with my sister. I just don't have the inclination to do it again.
Although I think that in time he would accept it and probably even enjoy some aspects of Paganism. But I'm just not ready for that bridge to be burned yet.
I'm thinking of buying a book on tarot so I have it on hand all the time. I'm not reading the cards with any regularity so I'm not picking up on the nuances of the cards. On the other hand, that's another expense we don't have the money for and it's not like this particular book I like at the library ever gets checked out by anyone but me so I can keep checking it out as much as I need to. As long as I get it back on time and give someone else a chance.
I found some sites today on ritual that I plan on looking into later. I also would like to learn more about herb and folk lore but I'm not sure where to find information about that. Googling doesn't help a lot and the search at the library doesn't offer up many choices. It would be nice to have a mentor. Maybe one of the email loops I'm on would have suggestions. I haven't actually introduced myself on them yet. Darned shyness!