Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Still working it out

Zach and I were talking today about maybe leaving church anyway.  He's on the Vestry and they've had a bad spot recently having lost the Junior Warden to a sudden passing away so I told him to give it a few weeks at least.  I'll be resigning from the altar guild this Sunday though because it's an added stress on my life that I just don't need right now. I'll finish up the month but next month they'll have to do without me.  Zach is wanting to stop going altogether and as he's a grown man now, who am I to tell him otherwise.

The last time I was at church was to drop off the vest I knitted and I felt so alien there, like I didn't belong.  We had seen some of the members at the rummage sale the weekend before and they felt like strangers to me.  I hope I'm not withdrawing into my own little shell in doing this and I do have problems burning bridges behind me but I absolutely need some time away from church at the least.

It's also very hard for me to not get ill over some of the Christian-speak I'm faced with online and in person.  A few years ago I would never have dreamed that I would ever not be a Christian so this isn't an easy transition for me.  But it's impossible for me to not see beyond the platitudes and the party line anymore.  I did try so very hard to remain in the community in spite of not really believing.  I thought I could be "culturally Christian" and enjoy the rituals and the people, but now it's a struggle not to be repulsed by it all.

But even though I left behind the world I was raised in, I'm not really sure where I'm headed either.  I find myself still reacting in a very Christian way in my worship practices, dealing with the Goddess as if she were the same person as the God of Christianity.  My supplications to her seem whiny and selfish.  And demanding.  I know She is patient with me so that helps some but I've got half a century of habit to overcome.

I haven't learned to still my mind during candle time yet, partly to this inability to concentrate post chemo.  And of course, it's difficult to unlearn the destructive aspects of Christianity:  self-abasement, striving to achieve a state of perfection that doesn't exist in nature, never feeling worthy, etc.  I still feel like I've escaped an abusive relationship.

Maybe I should focus more on healing first.  Rather than trying to become someone new, maybe I should repair the person I am now.  Sounds like a plan.

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