The path becomes clearer

I hadn't been trying very hard to make a connection with the Norse gods but since I'm beginning to feel a void in my life without that connection, I think that means I'm ready to move forward.  And still feeling the pull toward Druidry no matter which path I take.

I read both Tarot and my Animal Oracle cards last night. It was interesting that the first pass on the Tarot was complete gibberish.  The second was down-right mean-spirited so I prayed to whatever god of divination was out there, calling upon Frigg, Apollo, Brighid...anyone and said that if I had offended in some say I wanted to let them know how sorry I was for offending them if they would just tell me what it was I did. I got nothing but the next spread was really good and really clear.  It was completely in agreement with the Animal Oracle cards that my path and my gods were those of my ancestors and that I was ready to move into that stage of study and initiation (not necessarily formal...more of a commitment type of deal.)  This really fell into line with the things I had been pondering about how to merge my new-found love of the Norse gods with my old lover, Druidry.

And today, while reading Our Troth, I read about the intermingling of the Celts and Germanic peoples and how many of the religious, cultural and social aspects had crossed barriers during that time.  As my ancestry is Celtic, Anglo-Saxon and Apache (supposedly) it seemed a great blending and the perfect path for me.  And there's a Norse Druid group on facecrack so I'm not the only one walking this path.

I suspect this is where I've been heading all along since I loved Druidry but could not connect with the Celtic/Irish/Welsh/etc deities.  I couldn't manage to perfect that blending with the Hellenic gods either but since the Norse are kissin' cousins to the Celts, this might just work out for the best.

There are many aspects of Asatru that I really love and feel an affinity for except I see myself more of a gentle soul. Not a hunter.  Not a warrior.  Fierce, maybe, but not one to use weapons.  Aside from my mean mouth, that is. That's where the Druid part fits in so well. 

I had books galore spread all over my bed today, reading and absorbing.  Until I fell asleep.  But it was a good day for learning otherwise.  And in just a few minutes, I'm going back to reading some more.  I have all my journals out as well, so maybe I'll actually start writing in them.  There is so much knowledge out there just waiting for me to discover it.

I haven't really developed any kind of rituals yet.  Still playing it by ear but as a fanatical lover of ritual, I am eager to start.  I've been reading Rituals of the Dark Moon in preparation for the next one.  I'm excited about it and loving the book so far.  Except she says that how you view rituals has to do with how you were raised.  And as I was raised Baptist, I should be one for just bare bones ritual or winging it.  Yet I love rituals.  The more formal, the better.  I must be an aberration.  Still, the rest of it is very good.

I plan on working on writing prayers in journals tonight so I have them handy for my morning rituals.  I've been trying to just pray from my heart but I don't do well with extemporaneous prayer.  Stems from all those times in church when I was called upon to pray and just stumbled all over myself attempting it.  But written prayers have a quality to them that is poetry.

And so I go back to the books and enjoy all they have to offer.

The body is better; it's time to heal the spirit

My cold has waned and my aching body is feeling better, especially after some very good and deep sleep last night so I thought it was time to get back on spiritual track.  I had been reading about the history of the Norse religion, which was really a good read, but I felt like it was time to get into learning about the practice of the Norse path.  I had been taking my time getting there until I felt like I was ready.

I'm ready.

In addition to Our Troth, volumes 1 & 2, I also bought True Hearth, by James Allen Chisholm.  It's a slim book and the proof-reading leaves a lot to be desired, but the information in it is pretty darned good.  He makes a claim in Chapter 3 that (i)n the Ring of Troth there is no such thing as a "heretic."  How I loved to read those words, especially having lived in on a spiritual path that made everyone a heretic at one point or another, depending on who was interpreting the scriptures.  There is no set of orthodox dogmas or doctrines to which one must adhere in order to be thought "true" to the Gods and ancestors.  Again...words I needed to hear so much.  I am not encountering the rigidity that I've seen in other reconstructionist paths, although I'm sure there are those elements in the Norse path.  Nearly everyone I've encountered on this path, who have claimed to be recons, have always applied those criteria only to themselves.  Live and let live seems to be the prevailing wisdom.

Another thing I read today that brightened my heart was (t)he Teutonic tradition is one that values change and flux.  It is also common for true folk to change their view of the Gods and Goddesses as their knowledge of the lore deepens and is brought together with their life experiences.  To me, these are magickal words.  I had been putting off any kind of practice or worship because I didn't want to do it wrong.  This was a combination of my Christian experiences and the Greek period, in which everywhere I turned was the fear that not doing it right invoked hubris from the gods.  For some of you that seems a bit incomprehensible that anyone could be afraid to worship the gods, but I can assure you it was a very real fear of mine.

Learn as I go?  What a concept.

So, I feel the pull to just wing it and let it happen.  Light the candles.  Talk to the gods.  Have heart-to-hearts with the ancestors.  Connect with the past and live in the present.  Don't even worry about feeling a connection yet.  Just do it.

It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and more and more like this path has much to offer me.  And much that I can offer in return.

And now...off to read some more.

Down time

I haven't done much of anything in the way of moving forward on my spiritual path because I've felt like crap for the past several days due to a nasty cold given by, thankyouverymuch, my husband.  Bless his heart he didn't miss any work and I acted like a big baby but I seriously think mine was worse than his.  And he can't prove me wrong. :)

I've avoided lit candles and incense lately because both seem to irritate my throat.  I have offered up prayers to Eir and any health deity out there who is available and I am feeling a bit better today although I'm heading back to bed in just a few minutes.  Still, I'm not in the mood to learn or ponder anything of any spiritual significance right now.  My brain is mush.  What little I got read last week will have to be re-read so there's no point in trying to move forward in my books.

In the meantime, down time is what is called for.  Rest and nourishment for the body.  The spirit can wait for now.

Might be the last hurrah

...of winter.  Might not.  But it's snowing today, as in winter storm snowing.  I don't think we'll get the maximum 8 inches, although we might get as much as 6.  The library closed early due to weather so it must be serious.  Tom has to drive home in it but I made him take his sleeping bag in case he gets stranded there.  They're telling people to stay off the roads.  I'm also listening to the Weather Channel because the area directly south of my hometown was devastated by a tornado today.  One very small town was completely destroyed.  Nothing left there. 

It's beautiful but I am looking forward to spring.  I love winter until around February; then I long for spring.  Green grass, no coats.  Until summer when I'm hot and sweating.  Then I long for fall, which has become my absolute favorite season. 

I've calmed down a lot since yesterday.  Didn't do a cleansing today but I will get to it when I can. I kind of think the house should be a bit clean when I do it.  Otherwise I won't have my heart into it and since I had to get up early today to run errands, I'm tired and dragging.  I'll get it done on Monday maybe.  I don't want to do it while Tom's around.  He's supportive but I suspect a bit bemused by it all.  I've seen that smirk on his face when I talk about magick and things of that nature.  It doesn't bother me, but it makes me feel a bit self-conscious if he's around.

Although he's very respectful if he finds me spending time at the altar, which means a lot to me.  I've been reading my new books and really like them.  Both volumes of Our Troth are good-sized books with lots of information in them.  The first part of volume 1 is about the history of the Norse religion, tracing it to Proto Indo-European ancestors.  It really  is interesting to follow the path of migration of the gods, so to speak.

The second part is about the Lore...about the gods, spirits, beliefs, virtues, etc.  I'm really looking forward to that part.  Volume 2 is Living the Troth which, of course, is about the practicalities of the path:  marriage, death, ritual, etc.  I'm looking forward to that, too.

True Hearth is a small book about living in a traditional household.  I'm not planning on incorporating reconstructionism into my path but I do love the information that exists because of it. 

I also started Rituals of the Dark Moon and I love what I've read so far.  There are some aspects that I can't relate to as they are primarily Wiccan but I do love her attitude about the Dark Moon.  I can relate to that. 

One thing happened yesterday that threatened to disrupt my newly-found path, but somehow didn't.  The new group I found on facecrack got into a political discussion, which I had feared, as I'm sure a good many of them are conservative/libertarians and I am not.  But there were enough of them on the left of in the middle to compensate for the majority.  What I realized was that all those on the right were reconstructionists and the ones on the left or in the middle weren't.  But since they didn't let the discussion dissolve into a free-for-all, but kept it respectful and calm, well...they passed the test.  Another group I was on with the Greeks wasn't so nice.  Or respectful on non-recons.

So...still walking this path with confidence and hope.  I love what I'm learning and how slowly I seem to be walking the path.  It's leisurely and very enjoyable.  Even if I don't stay on this path, the scenery is amazing.

This is effing old

The books have arrived although I haven't even opened them yet.  I'm in a bad mood due to the truck being down again...after spending nearly $2000 on it in the past 6 months and my solutions to our problems being dismissed as if I'm stupid.  So...yeah...tired of all this bad luck that just seems to keep piling on.  And while my convenience isn't a big issue, I'm the one who has to sit home until the damned thing gets fixed again, which could be weeks from now because Tom only gets one day a week off from work.  Ever.  And should Zach get a job he's going to lose it because we never have two vehicles up and running for long.  And this has lasted for over 16 years.  No shit.

I'm not well-versed in magick yet and the one time I did try a spell to block all the negativity that has heaped upon us (I swear we're under a curse) but nothing changed so it wasn't effective apparently.

I will try to calm myself and settle myself in and read tonight in hopes things will look brighter tomorrow.  Not sure of the gods enough to ask for any help right now so I'll just send a prayer out in the ether to whoever is listening.  I'm about worn down from all this.  I truly am.

Biding my time...comfortably

My remaining two books should arrive tomorrow so the next month should be full of good reading and lots of learning.  I'm trying to do this the right way, not jumping in with both feet, letting myself absorb the information before committing.  Still, it feels comfortable in a way that nothing has up to this point (and not saying that something might not feel more comfortable later on) so I'm just building on that for now.

Aside from one moment of powerful connection, I haven't sought another moment like that again.  It's not that I'm afraid.  I'm just taking my time and working through this relationship with the gods more slowly.  And it feels right to do it that way.  I still know little about them and little about the Norse path although I am learning more each day.  I do pray to Frigg each morning and light a candle and incense but I haven't found that connection yet.  Mostly it's me holding back. 

I'll admit that while I didn't mind the Greeks packing up and leaving in the middle of the night, it has created a bit of uncertainty for me that the Norse might do the same thing.  So I suppose that's one reason for not jumping in and embracing the gods wholeheartedly.  But it's more than that.  I just want to know them.  Really know them.  Instead of just going through the motions of ritual while I get to know them.  My house doesn't seem "full" of the gods like it did with the Greeks, but it doesn't feel empty either, like it did when the Greeks packed up and left.  There is a definite presence here.  It feels good not to feel alone.

So I learn and grow and grow closer, I hope, to the gods.  The few gods I know a little bit about I already have a fondness for.  And the connection will either grow or it won't and there's nothing I can do to make it happen.  But I have this feeling, deep down inside, that it will grow.  I kind of like it that they haven't brought their luggage.  It feels more like they're working on the relationship, too.  Not just barging in and expecting it to happen overnight.

I am looking forward to this.

I forgot to title this one

I've found two online Norse communities on facebook that are simply amazing.  I've rarely gotten so warm a welcome in a group...not including my friends here, of course.  Nothing beats you guys.  But both groups have welcomed me enthusiastically and allayed my fears about rigid reconstructionism and dogmatism.  Not to mention racism.  Absolutely not allowed in either group.

They call themselves reconstructionist-derived or reconstructionist-inspired and feel about it much the way I do.  That there is much to learn about the past but no need to live there.

I especially love the Norse women group as they are a bit sassy and bold...much like the Norse goddesses.

It does mean a lot to me that I've found a group I can fit into.  I had such a hard time in the Hellenic groups, part of it my own fault, of course.  I just didn't feel like I belonged.  And to be fair, they were a bit dogmatic about a lot of things.  I've tried some general Pagan groups but again feel like I'm living on the outskirts, although I have met some people through those groups (hey, Cin!) and have the possibility of in-person communication sometime in the future.

I was beginning to think I was going to be on the outside looking in forever and wondered how I could ever overcome my unsociability.  Which apparently wasn't really unsociability but just waiting for the right fit.  I've had it here, of course, but finding it elsewhere was something I had despaired of.

I've been reading my first book The Troth, volume 1 and love it so far.  It's mostly history at this point, which is fascinating and from a seemingly unbiased position so far.  Not to mention the author thinks highly of Ronald Hutton so he can't be bad in my book.  This is the second edition and I think the mentions of Professor Hutton are in the revisions as Triumph of the Moon isn't that old and the first edition was published in 1993 by Kveldulf Hagan Gundarsson (I don't know how to use accent marks) and re-published in 2003 and edited by Diana L. Paxson.  Volume 1 is History and Lore.  I had ordered a new book, I thought, but got one used in excellent condition for about $5 less so I'm not complaining.  Not a mark on it and the cover is in near-perfect condition.

The other two books have shipped already and should be here later this week.  Those are more about the hows and whys of Norse Paganism.  More practical information.  But I am loving the history so far.  It's fairly new to me so it's fresh and exciting. I don't know if my path will lead me here for any length of time but the information I'm consuming is delicious anyway.

I plan on starting Rituals of the Dark Moon tonight as I think I have my brain back now that Zach's medical condition is sorted out and on its way to recovery (see other blog).  I'm not feeling well from either a cold or sinus infection but aside from the headache and aching muscles, my concentration is vastly improved and I am eager to greet the Dark Moon when she shows up next time.  Although I must say the Crescent Moon with Jupiter and Venus dancing in her glow is breathtaking.

But for now, I'm hoping into bed for reading and then sleep.  Zach is fixing supper and I am tired.