After 13, count 'em 13, hours of sleep I'm still dragging but competent enough to make a decision. I think. The reasons for leaving church still stand and don't change because I got a nice note from a nice lady. I could go back, go through the motions, enjoy the fellowship in coffee hour and drive home and put on my Pagan pants, but there would still be that living in two worlds thing. I would still feel conflicting emotions trying to say the creed when I don't mean it, genuflecting to a god I no longer believe in. Well, he may exist but my choice is not to worship him, so genuflecting to a god I don't particularly like would be the height of hypocrisy for me.
Then there is the face I would be putting on. Everything there would think I was still a Christian. But the truth is, I no longer want to be a part of that life. On the way into the library today a man was coming out wearing a t-shirt with the Nehemiah Project on it. It's a Christian group that teaches Christians how to have Christian businesses, apparently. I felt such a surge of anger and nausea when I saw that and I'm sure my face showed it, even though I did try to maintain a poker face. It's another thing about Christianity that even the liberals do. Everything has to be based on Christ apparently. You can't teach people how to build a small business. No, you have to teach them how to build a small, Christian business.
Everything has to have that label on it to the degree it comes across very trivial and cheesy. Not to mention it feels like having Jesus crammed down the throats of everyone. Yeah, I understand it. I lived it for 50+ years. But being on the outside now, I see just how arrogant and pushy it all is.
So I think I'm done with church. I will admit that something did happen that pissed me off before we left. We had donated money to the sister church in Haiti and even gave them our bigger tent because the church is in the mountains and the refugees from Port au Prince needed places to stay, and when our delegation from the diocese went down to donate all the garden tools, tents, blankets and food, the diocese down there didn't want them and refused to house them. They knew they were coming for a month and didn't bother to tell them not to come. No, they waited until they got down there and turned them out.
It was the last straw for me. I don't put strings on my gifts but this was such an intolerable attitude that I had trouble coming back to church at all. I know it wasn't "our" church who did this. It was someone from our church who suffered. But it was "our" denomination. And not one person from the church thought it was out of the ordinary or even wrong.
Maybe I was looking for an excuse to leave. I'm not losing sleep over it. Although I wish I could take the money that we really didn't have to offer and the tent back. I can be nasty that way. The "Christian" in me would have had to repent of that attitude and give cheerfully because it was all God's anyway. The non-Christian in me says a lot of bad words and decides in the future to give more discerningly because it was ours to give because the gods don't give and then retain ownership of anything. If they give it to you, it's yours.
So, maybe I'm still a bit tired and cranky but I'm alert enough to feel that my decision to leave is the right one. It will take time, though, to stop feeling that pull to go back. But as it occurred to me this morning, that is the past and I don't want to go backward. I want to go forward. Eventually I'm sure Tom will figure it all out if he hasn't already. But since he's been to church twice in the last 10 years I don't think he'll have a lot to say about it.
Tomorrow is the full moon and I've been reading some blogs about things to do on the full moon. Some write about a ritual for Hecate. I've never considered her before but since I don't really have a pull for a specific Goddess just yet, I may explore her for a while. I think my wandering spiritually is the best thing I could do for myself right now. I jumped in too soon before and was too eager. Now I'm biding my time and waiting for the right answers to my questions. My Lady doesn't have a face or a name to me although I'm pretty sure she knows who she is. At one time I thought I knew who she was but I didn't. I thought the Lord must be Cernnunos but I don't know that anymore either. Zach has seen his Lord but doesn't know his name and is perfectly content. Maybe contentment is the lesson.
It might be cool enough to light candles tonight and my brain might be clear enough to meditate (although I'm not good at that yet either and tend to lose my focus after a minute or so) but at least I can light candles for people who have asked for energy and prayer. I'm finding that while I hated intercession as a Christian because it felt so cheesy, as a Pagan I feel like I'm really doing something to help.
I need to establish some ritual and scheduling because my life is so chaotic right now with the fatigue interfering so much that I'm not keeping my surroundings or my life organized. Hopefully I can this moon period to help me achieve that goal. One thing I love so much about Paganism is the cyclic nature of it all. Things come back around so the opportunity to accomplish something isn't necessarily gone forever.
I'm still taking baby steps. sigh