Thursday, May 13, 2010

The choice

I felt a lot better this morning after a decent night's sleep.  Not 8 hours, but mostly uninterrupted and I'll take what I can get.  I can't help but think that it was in part due to having made the decision to leave the church.  I know it has been weighing on me to a large degree.  I did wake up feeling regretful though, wondering just what to do with the feeling.  I believe it was more of a feeling of sadness for the people I would be leaving behind.  They really are lovely people but for most of my life, I have made decisions based on how it would affect others, how their feelings came into it.  This time I have to think of what's good for me and Zach.

He has decided to stop going as well.  I emailed the priest to tell her I was quitting altar guild although I chickened out and made it about my health and insomnia, not being able to get up and go to church after a few hour's sleep.  It is part of it so I'm not lying.  I had talked to her once before about my loss of faith but again, I chickened out and told her it was resolved. 

I did consider, this morning, that maybe I wasn't ready to leave Christianity until I went online and read some chat stuff from a friend who is a liberal Christian.  No, I'm ready to leave.  Even the liberals seem overly proselytizing to me these days.  Not to mention she seems to be traveling in a more conservative direction.  No, there is nothing there for me except revulsion and impatience.  And anger and bitterness.  But I'm trying hard not to focus on that.

I didn't feel a sense of joy or elation after making the decision.  It felt instead like a burden off my shoulders, a relief, a passing away of something that was negative in my life.  I know in time the grief and bitterness will leave.  In time, I'll even stop thinking about it without having to force my thoughts away from the bitter, dark areas of my heart that need so much to heal.  I think I'm finally ready for that.


  1. Thanks, Tana. I was thinking today while I was washing dishes and I realized that my wanting to remain has more to do with having been a long-term member of a club and not wanting to feel like an outsider rather than any feelings of leaving the beliefs behind. That was a huge relief to realize that.