Demolition

Got into a pissing contest with a person online who claims to be a Christian who believes in universal salvation yet speaks like a fundie.  She was belittling people who believed in Pagan Gods and while she didn't use the word "silly" that was the overall meaning of what she was saying.  I should have known, having had numerous said micturating contests before, that she plays mind games and twists things to her advantage.  Not to mention how silly Christianity seems when brought down to the level she used in describing the Pagan Gods.

Which has made me re-think my place on those particular boards.  What do I hope to accomplish, other than receiving ridicule and condescension from Christians who think they hold the higher moral ground?  Obviously I won't be changing their minds and surprisingly, the more "liberal" Christians on there seem to side with them against both Atheists and Pagans.  So just what is the point?

It's a huge timewaster, in fact, and brings me to depths that are difficult to crawl out of.  So why can't I just delete the board and move on?

Or better yet, delete most of the boards, keep the Pagan ones, and the ones I'm a moderator of and then move on.

I did manage to delete the political ones because I felt like the left was being as smarmy as the right.  If you didn't know which side of the aisle they were on, you couldn't tell the difference between them, actually.  Besides, I'm tired of the fights over the same things...over and over again.

I did make a new acquaintance over the whole mess though.  Someone who could possibly be a mentor/teacher in many things.  She invited me to an online tarot chat and I might go if I can overcome my shyness.  I seriously didn't use to be this reclusive.

Tana and I were talking last night and it was so good that she understood that I'm not trying to undermine her faith but I must deconstruct this whole Christian thing before I can move on.  In many ways it's been like an abusive relationship that kept pulling me back in with the sweet words that abusers use when they're "sorry" they abused you.  And I've kept on buying it, giving in and coming back.  Until that one day comes when you say, "no more." 

So because I've been pulled back into the relationship over and over again, I've not really grieved over the loss of it and I can't move on until I've destroyed all the walls and foundations that have kept me a prisoner all this time.  Then I'll move and and just embrace the path I've set out on.

I'm just not sure how much of that prison I can destroy as long as I'm still going to a Christian church.  Oddly I was reading a book today about the Beardsley family (Yours, Mine and Ours) and how much their Catholic faith sustained them.  When I read this, I get it and wish I could have that, too, but the realities of it for me are such that it doesn't sustain me.  It's just one of those greener grass over the fence things.  Because in the abstract things work out much better than they do in the reality.

I'll never have what they seemed to have because it was their culture as much as their religion.  And for a while I thought I could keep Christianity culturally even if I didn't believe in it religiously.  But I don't even have that culture anymore.  Although it is my social network, it's not much of one.  I have little in common with the people there in spite of thinking that we were all such good friends.  It's been 5 weeks since I've been because of the flu and only one person has inquired about me.  Not even the priest has called to see how I was.

And I keep thinking about how I have become so dependent and so reclusive from those years when I was younger and took care of myself.  I need to push myself out the door and join civilization, find my own social network where I do have things in common. Stop hiding.  Start living.

I will certainly be pondering these things during candle time tonight.  It's just so hard to move from within these deteriorating walls and taste real freedom.