Checking in

I really don't have anything much to say.  It's been a week of excruciating insomnia and until last night, only a couple of hours sleep a night followed by unsatisfactory napping during the day.  I haven't done any studying and only minimal ritual, which I need because it comforts me.

I am learning more about the Norse gods though and really can connect with who I'm finding them to be.  I still have some past misconceptions about deity to overcome...like the whole Christian concept of thinking of myself as a despicable creature compared to my deity.  Sucking up to deity.  Feeling so unworthy to deity.

One of the things I think I love most about the Norse gods is their disdain for anyone who grovels in their presence.  We  may not be equals but we're not loathsome creatures in need of someone to intervene on our behalf before we're "acceptable" in their sight.  I like that I can speak to them without fear especially as fear is the single most driving force in Christianity.  Not love.  Fear.  If it were really love would deity send people to eternal torment because they didn't love him best?

So I'm making progress and learning to trust and love myself.  Something I never learned in my 50+ years on this earth.

But I do much better when I've had sleep.  Which I plan on doing tonight.  I hope.  I have learned that the herbal sleeping pills seem to keep me awake all night so I'm trying a regular one tonight.  I have to get some sleep pretty soon or I'm going to end up a zombie.  Like the ones in The Walking Dead...just finished up the first season and am a devoted fan now.

Off to settle in for the night with some reading (just got the Prose Eddas from the library today) and lots of knitting, which is why I think I love Frigg so much.  She's maybe not exactly a knitter but she weaves and spins and I can really connect with that.)

BB

The Challenges

I've faced a couple of challenges to my path but nothing I hadn't anticipated and nothing I couldn't handle.  I knew that I would run into people who give a representation of the Heathen path that is diametrically opposite to mine.  And frankly, the racists exist out there in any and all paths so I don't worry so much about the associations with Heathenism as Christianity far outweighs the number of racist members.  I am not saying that Christianity is racist by any stretch of the imagination, but there are many Christians who are racist even if they deny it.  You can't just love your white neighbor and be fulfilling the commandments they claim to follow.

Most of my challenges have been from the more conservative members who hate my political stance (although not my stance personally) and who seem to think they are libertarians.  They aren't, in fact, because they want their government to be just as big as the left does, they just want their shit to be unregulated while regulating the crap out of everyone else's.

But also, I've run into some people who think I'm on the wrong path because it's not the one they would choose for me.  I don't mean the ones who have had their own experiences with Heathens and come away with less than satisfying encounters and shared that opinion. And I don't mean the ones who have expressed opinions based on knowing the struggle I've had finding the path that fits me best.  I mean the ones who just don't like the path I'm on and don't think I should either.

Thankfully they are few.  Actually, they are only one.  And not someone who reads my blog either so they don't understand where I'm coming from.

But the fact that I didn't cave in this time means something to me.  I started reading some Norse mythology and a book on runes this weekend and have come away even more certain that this is my path, that these gods have called me but have called me to be who I am.  Not to turn into some kind of carbon copy of anyone else on this path.   I've also been finding more and more Heathens who are of a more liberal persuasion, like me.

In spite of next to no sleep all weekend long and a dog that is freaking out over every single noise outside, I feel spiritually energized.  I finally feel like I'm growing spiritually as well.  I haven't felt like that in a long time.

Rituals are becoming a part of my life and magic is becoming a part of my life.

I call that progress.

BB

I surrender

The Norse/Anglo Saxon gods just won't leave me alone.  I dream about them, think about them and feel drawn to them.  It's just their followers I don't connect with.  Well, that's not entirely true. Some of them are fantastic.  The Norse Women on Facecrack are as diverse as any Pagan group and really do rock.  It's the guys I have the most problems with because of their manhood shit.  But I'm guessing not all men are like that.

So I surrender and acknowledge that the Norse/Anglo Saxon gods have called to me and accept it.  But on my terms, not as one of the Asatru or Vanatru.  I absolutely don't feel called to that.

And we got rain last night.  And today.  Probably not enough to make up for 2 months of drought but hopefully enough to salvage the corn crop and help the wildlife out there.  It's a nice gentle rain and the air is so cool that I don't even need fans today.

And the best part is I got sleep last night without the sleeping pill hangover this morning.  Well, actually I didn't wake up until afternoon so that might account for it.  I'm actually accomplishing things today, like cleaning, reading, knitting and stuff.  And cooking later on.  I just would love this to be a pattern and not an aberration.

Now, off to clean the kitchen before I settle in for a bit for more knitting.

BB

Brief rain but no real relief...yet.

Normally, in winter, I fill the two bird feeders every fourth day.  I filled one up yesterday and went to check it today and it's completely empty.  The poor birds must be starving out there.

I put out some barley for the mice and squirrels and it's all gone, too.

If you live in drought areas, please consider leaving fresh water out for them every day, but don't make the mistake I did and make the container too deep.  Possibly have more than one size out there.  Bird seed and food for the critters that creep through the grass would be appreciated.  I'm going to put out some carrots, too, for the rabbits in the area.  Normally I wouldn't feed wildlife but there is no food for them.  It's too dry and there are no seeds for them to eat.

I hope the drought breaks soon.

BB

Life and death in Nature

I had two distinct encounters with Nature in the past couple of days that seemed completely incongruous on one level and yet completely harmonious on another.  Yesterday morning, since I couldn't sleep, I decided to just get up and let Professor out for his morning wee.  I always check before letting him out because squirrels, dogs, people walking a block away and that rat-bastard chipmunk from next door send him into hysterics. 

It's a good thing I looked first because the above mentioned rat bastard chipmunk was playing in the recycling bin, which was lying on its side after having been emptied by the sanitation engineers.  I decided to watch him for a bit first to see if he would leave so I could let Professor out.  But he had other plans, which included stalking a robin that was hopping on the sidewalk next to him.  The robin turned and chased him back to the bin and the cycle repeated itself several times.  They played together for about 5 minutes after which time I had to chase them both off because Professor was crossing his legs and his eyes were watering from needing a wee.

I love watching interspecies play but avoiding a puddle in my kitchen takes precedence.

On the other hand, today I let Professor out back and he went right for the water bowl I had set out for the critters during this drought.  When he got to the bowl, he jumped straight up and back and then edged toward it again.  Thinking something had come out of the tall weeds, I took off outside because it occurred to me in this heat and drought, snakes could be about.  But it wasn't a snake.  Instead a mole had apparently crawled into the bowl to get water, fallen in and drowned.  I thought about how desperate he must have been to have made the effort.

Realizing my mistake at putting too deep a container out there, I added a more shallow bowl and put another big one out as well.  The one that had the dead mole in it went into the recycling bag.  No amount of washing will make me ever use that bowl again for anything.

I don't normally get sad when a mole dies and my cat and dog both have been known to kill them in the yard, but a quick kill doesn't bother me as much as thinking of that creature struggling for survival only to fail.  I am learning to accept that death is just a part of life but I still have a ways to go.

Incidentally, Professor managed to kill one of the rat bastard chipmunks in the back yard last week.  I didn't shed a single tear because Professor kills quickly and cleanly.  Hannibal, on the other hand, plays with them until they die of old age.

I don't normally fill the bird feeder in the summer, encouraging the birds to find their own supplies, but in this drought I thought I would fill one of the feeders.  It was empty this morning so I filled it again.  They're not devouring it but enough of them are using it, I need to fill it every third day or so.  I have water in the bird bath but it's a ways from the feeder so I don't think any of them are using it.  Besides, there is a pond a block away that is probably more suited to their needs.  And the marsh is about 5 blocks away.

There is a rabbit nest behind the mattress frames that I intend to use as trellises for my morning glories once I get them planted.  If I ever do.  Professor can't get to it which I'm glad about.  One summer he got into a next and killed all the babies in a few minutes' time.  And left the mess for me to clean up.  I couldn't be mad at him because it's his nature to do that.  Doesn't mean I have to make it easy for him.

So...life and death.  I'm learning.

Time off yielded some fruit

I took the week off from anything spiritual, or rather anything regarding spiritual actions, and ended up further down my path than I anticipated.  Odd how doing nothing can yield the best results.


I've been missing the familiar, Celtic-type culture and the gods associated with it.  But mostly I've spent too much time trying to get to know gods that aren't interested in forming a relationship with me.  I should have been forming a relationship with me and my spiritual side, focusing on my talents and learning how to manage energies and magic.  The gods have mostly been a diversion on my path instead of the sign posts along the way.

That's not to say the gods aren't important to me, but I've been going at it wrong.  I need to walk my path and see what gods are on it instead of trying to walk the path of the gods I think I'm drawn to follow.  I need to be selfish for a while and focus on me...my needs, my wants.  And intuition.  I need to learn to use that instead of trying to second guess everything I think or do.

It felt good to light the candles on my hearth altar this morning.  Bridget came to mind when I was praying but that could change from day to day.  At least until I sort myself out.  Still, I felt the charge of energy I had been missing for the past few months.  It felt good.

And trusting my feelings is something I need to learn.  I spent a lifetime being taught that my feelings weren't trustworthy and were unreliable.  Learning to trust myself is a lot harder than learning to trust someone else it seems.

BB