to church. I can't quit thinking about church and the longing comes and goes so I figured it was for a reason. I've decided to start going back to church. Zach won't be going. At least not now. I don't mess with his decisions or try to change his mind no matter what other people might think. I don't have that much pull with him anyway. He's his own man.
And I'm my own woman so I'm going to follow the path as it unfolds before me. Doesn't mean I'm giving up Paganism totally though. I still feel the Goddess there although I can see her as the Holy Spirit or as Mary. I still love my crystals and I still believe in the metaphysical so I will be including that in my treasure chest of beliefs.
Now what do I do about Jesus? On that I'm not totally sure. Time will sort that out. I know I can't right now.
But I miss the ritual and the people and I'm kidding myself to think that I could just walk away from them both. I feel foolish for the most part for being this old and not having a clear path before me. I've been a searcher most of my life and probably will until I'm dead and scattered to the winds. But the liturgy of the Episcopal church was something I had been wanting my whole life and then having found it, lost my faith and didn't know what to do with the liturgy after that.
I know it may turn out that I leave again because I rarely know what I want and seem to flit from concept to concept, religion to religion and idea to idea. But I do know that right now, at this moment, this is what I want. And so I will go there...but I will keep my Pagan ideas and maybe Celtic Christianity will end up being the solution for me. I may re-read Christ of the Celts again.
There are many things in Paganism that don't suit me. I like Nature. I like personifying aspects of Nature and treating her with respect. I like the aspects of using energy for specific purposes and channeling it. I like the notion of spiritual tools. I like communing with all aspects of Nature as if they had a soul, too. And yet, I don't feel comfortable with the rituals and spells. I tried them and they worked but they didn't feel like me exactly.
What feels like me is in Christianity with a twist. So how do I do Christianity without Jesus? Not sure, but I'll figure it out somehow.
I do wish I could make up my mind once and for all though. I do hate drifting around like I'm on the ocean without a paddle or a searchlight to help me out.
Having this aspect of my life public makes my decisions a bit more deliberate. Otherwise I would really be all over the map deciding where I belong. But putting it on the internet makes me think more about my decisions and really think hard.
It may be that this wasn't the right path to take but I'll find that out soon enough if it isn't. Sorry if I've disappointed anyone, but I must say that wasn't on my mind when deciding to go back. In the past it would have been a major point but not so much now. So maybe this has been a good experience for me and has helped me grow up a bit.
We'll see how it goes anyway.