Tuesday, June 1, 2010

And back again...

to church.  I can't quit thinking about church and the longing comes and goes so I figured it was for a reason.  I've decided to start going back to church.  Zach won't be going.  At least not now.  I don't mess with his decisions or try to change his mind no matter what other people might think.  I don't have that much pull with him anyway.  He's his own man.

And I'm my own woman so I'm going to follow the path as it unfolds before me.  Doesn't mean I'm giving up Paganism totally though.  I still feel the Goddess there although I can see her as the Holy Spirit or as Mary.  I still love my crystals and I still believe in the metaphysical so I will be including that in my treasure chest of beliefs.

Now what do I do about Jesus?  On that I'm not totally sure. Time will sort that out. I know I can't right now.

But I miss the ritual and the people and I'm kidding myself to think that I could just walk away from them both.  I feel foolish for the most part for being this old and not having a clear path before me.  I've been a searcher most of my life and probably will  until I'm dead and scattered to the winds.  But the liturgy of the Episcopal church was something I had been wanting my whole life and then having found it, lost my faith and didn't know what to do with the liturgy after that. 

I know it may turn out that I leave again because I rarely know what I want and seem to flit from concept to concept, religion to religion and idea to idea.  But I do know that right now, at this moment, this is what I want.  And so I will go there...but I will keep my Pagan ideas and maybe Celtic Christianity will end up being the solution for me.  I may re-read Christ of the Celts again.

There are many things in Paganism that don't suit me.  I like Nature.  I like personifying aspects of Nature and treating her with respect.  I like the aspects of using energy for specific purposes and channeling it.  I like the notion of spiritual tools.  I like communing with all aspects of Nature as if they had a soul, too.  And yet, I don't feel comfortable with the rituals and spells.  I tried them and they worked but they didn't feel like me exactly.

What feels like me is in Christianity with a twist.  So how do I do Christianity without Jesus?  Not sure, but I'll figure it out somehow.

I do wish I could make up my mind once and for all though.  I do hate drifting around like I'm on the ocean without a paddle or a searchlight to help me out.

Having this aspect of my life public makes my decisions a bit more deliberate.  Otherwise I would really be all over the map deciding where I belong.  But putting it on the internet makes me think more about my decisions and really think hard.

It may be that this wasn't the right path to take but I'll find that out soon enough if it isn't.  Sorry if I've disappointed anyone, but I must say that wasn't on my mind when deciding to go back.  In the past it would have been a major point but not so much now.  So maybe this has been a good experience for me and has helped me grow up a bit.

We'll see how it goes anyway.


  1. I totally get this. I really do. I have been thinking that I need the anchor of the Episcopal church to ground me in something sure simply *because* I'm so all over the map about my beliefs. There are aspects of Paganism that resonate with me as well and I plan on celebrating that as it comes. There are LOTS of things I have added to my beliefs and spiritual practice that have become dear teachers to me and I won't give them up simply because they haven't traditionally been a part of the Christian tradition. Bullocks to that I say! I will pay attention to the cycles of the moon, I will do energy work, I will continue to work with crystals and I will continue to incorporate Eastern medication practices into my daily work. Because it works. And because I have found myself drawn closer to God as a result.

    Give yourself a break and don't beat yourself up for not being "there" no matter how old you are. Remember - "there" is an illusion. Think of how many people your age haven't even considered their spirituality.

  2. Thanks, Tana. Yeah, I feel like I can't go back to what I used to have but I can take what I've gained and use that to enhance it all. I may not believe in Jesus or Yahweh, but there is much that resonates with me in the Episopal Church. I think of Robert Price who is an agnostic or an atheist and a firm member of the Episcopal Church because he loves the liturgy and the music. I may have to go the Christopagan route after all, but I hope this will work for me.