I could not think of anything to write about yesterday. Not that I didn't have any thoughts. I just didn't have any thoughts that related to spirituality. Some days are like that.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about spirituality today and how hard it is to rid myself of the notions I had ingrained in me from Christianity. Of having to pray, having to establish a regimen of "prayer time" and devotion. The thought of doing that now repulses me. And I can't imagine how it would offend a deity who, instead of being cared for lovingly and willingly, instead has to impose schedules upon his/her adherents in order to get them to spend time together.
But I do find myself missing some of the rituals I loved in the Episcopal Church. I loved having prayers already written out so I didn't have to fumble for words. I liked the physical aspects, crossing myself and genuflecting and kneeling. One of my favorite blogs, The Pagan and the Pen have offered up some wonderful prayers that I've read and written down (some of them) in a notebook so I can pick the ones that mean what I mean on that particular day and time. You have to scroll back a bit when you get there but they are worth the effort.
I also think it's time I tried to put into words my own feelings; write my own prayers and put in my notebook (that I've designated Book of Prayers as opposed to prayerbook for obvious reasons...at least to me) to use. I also think I'm ready to start utilizing rituals and focusing on magick in my daily life. For a while now I've been trying to use Tarot more often and now I think I should start keeping track of the readings because I think there are trends there that need watching.
I'm feeling more and more focused on my path and the need to grow and evolve. One of the things about Christianity that was so off-putting for me was the rule that I had to become more like someone else in order to be a good person. How on earth could I possibly achieve the kind of perfection that Christ supposedly possessed as a fallible person? He supposedly had divinity to help him be perfect? I was supposedly flawed with Original Sin. So I was supposed to overcome hurdles he didn't have to overcome in order to be acceptable to God.
Now, I just have to be more like myself. I just have to figure out how to make myself more...me. To find that spark in me that is good and whole. I don't want or need to become more like the Lady. Why would she want carbon copies of herself out there? Wouldn't that detract from her uniqueness? And our own?
I love that I can focus on myself without being selfish. I love that I can be myself. I love that I can love myself now and not look at me as a flawed, despicable creature needing someone to pick me up out of the mire because I'm so helplessly inadequate on my own.
I'm not there yet. I still have years of indoctrination to get rid of but the moments of fear and indecision are happening less and less often. And now that that is clearing from my heart and my mind, I have more room now for things that lift me up and don't tear me down.
I'm glad I didn't just jump into Paganism. I'm glad that it took me a few years to decide on it. I'm one of those people who generally burns bright and burns fast when it comes to new things so this means more to me as the fire has smoldered a bit before bursting into flame. This feels like it's here to stay.