Friday, July 9, 2010

Muddling through

I'm feeling unsettled in my room again.  Mostly because I'm not happy where my altar is.  It's in a dark corner, hard to get to and no way to do anything beyond sit in front of it.  No room for movement of any kind.  But I haven't a clue where to move my altar.  Now that I'm out of the closet I don't need to keep it in my room necessarily but as I'm a pretty private person spiritually these days I'm not inclined to have it out in the living room either.

For now I'll do nothing mostly because I'm having a major fatigue spell again and making decisions during one is pretty stupid on my part.  I'm just not clear enough to make good decisions.

I'd love to do more outside but the mosquitoes are terrible come sunset and being down the hill from a major highway, not a good place to practice during the day if I was so inclined.  I'm just feeling a bit muddy-brained today.  Not terribly in tune with the Gods/Goddesses at all.  I keep hoping a good night's sleep will help but it doesn't seem to.

I know I need to do a cleansing of the house and I do think that would help.  I just need to research what's involved in it besides smudging.  I might go so far as to order a black candle for my altar.  I think it needs one.

My sister isn't coming up or if she is she's not coming to my neck of the woods.  She was very cryptic in her email to me and when I sent her a reply asking how her move was coming, she was even more abrupt.  In a way it's a huge relief that she's gotten so pissy about me not being head over heels with our parents criticizing me nonstop on my visit or her coming up to hold court so I can sit at her feet and listen to her impart words of wisdom on how I should be living my life.  Hopefully she'll just stay out of my life from now on and not try to run it anymore.  On the other hand, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and her to out me to the rest of the family.

Fortunately, I'm confident in my path and don't really care what anyone has to say.  I am a much happier and healthier person spiritually now than I ever was in Christianity.  And I'm also much better off emotionally when I'm not around my siblings and my parents.  I can't begin to describe how on edge they make me.  It's like living on the edge of a razor blade, straddling it and waiting to fall on it.  I never realized how miserable I am around them until this last visit.

Now if I can just banish the thoughts that make me feel guilty for not being the obedient daughter and compliant sister.  Considering I've been battling this since high school and I'm 56 years old now, I do think I've paid my dues and it's time to get rid of the baggage.

I'm planning on getting plenty of rest and beginning some new habits that will help me healthwise and will hopefully help with the energy crisis that is going on internally.  I've been looking at using poetry and some of the Pagan prayers I've found online that I like, in addition to beginning a regimen of education into the things of Nature/Druidism.  I'm really excited about it but not terribly ambitious.

I'm off to take a nap while supper is simmering on the stove.  I'll leave Zach to keep an eye on it.

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