I've pretty much got nothing today except a headache, most likely allergies judging from the way it blossoms as the pollution index goes up. Last night was full of massive energies: 3, count 'em, 3 thunderstorms over the course of the night. All my life I've been terrified of thunderstorms because they can lead to tornadoes. Last night I slept like a baby and reveled in the thunder and lightening.
It still amazes me how my fear of death/danger/illness has left me since leaving Christianity behind. Believing in the cyclic nature of life means no real endings. Where "heaven" didn't give me peace and comfort (especially when going through cancer treatment), Summerland does. I can't explain it beyond the notion that an eternity in a place where only the elect may go holds no real interest for me. Neither does a lifetime of leisure. I want to work in my afterlife. I want to be productive, have community, and fun. What's the point of an "eternal reward" if all we do is gape and gawk at our God and do nothing but adore him? How does that benefit anyone but him?
Give me a cottage on the edge of a meadow where I can raise sheep, card the wool, spin it, dye it and knit it. Get together with friends and have a potluck, singing, dancing and other group activities. That's heaven to me.
What's not to look forward to?
But, hey, that doesn't mean I'm going to take risks or not take care of myself because I don't care. Quite the reverse, in fact. I'm more inclined to treat my body better, not because of the whole "body is a temple" thing from Christianity, but because it's my vessel here on earth and I am its caretaker. It's a measure of my love for all things living that matters. Not that my body is holy and I'm required to treat it as such. But because all life is sacred. The distinction might not come across in my words but it's very clear to me.
I've had death on my brain today because Tom and I were talking about retirement and how little we'll be getting and how his pension is practically worthless anymore. He mentioned that I would get his pension and his social security but I responded that that wasn't the better option. Him being around was the better option.
It also got me thinking that in my solitary ways I have no community anymore. And no friends in the immediate vicinity. Should something happen I have no one to lean on, no one to help with the transition. I even thought about going back to church just to maintain that sense of community except that I couldn't do that. They are good people and don't need to be used for that purpose. But also, I just couldn't stomach it. Maybe in time I will soften toward the God/Jesus of Christianity but for now I'm still angry and the whole thing makes my stomach roil.
Well, I guess I did have something after all and my headache is going away. I got many books from the library on Druid teachings, seers, and more Bollywood, of course. I simply have to study Hinduism and India now. I got 2 documentaries about India while I was at the library. Another reason I love Wisconsin...they have the best libraries!
Now it's time to eat supper followed by a clean up in the kitchen and hopefully an early night as I have to get up and mow the yard tomorrow morning before the heat comes. Zach has another corn on the bottom of his foot and can barely walk right now and Tom is exhausted from all the hours he's put in. I can space it out over two days if necessary. Plus it will do me good to burn those calories.