Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Looking back doesn't hurt anymore

I have moments when I miss the old life but they are occurring less and less often.  Today, very briefly, I missed the Eucharist but I couldn't put my finger on exactly what I missed about it.  I no longer believe it is what it purports to be and I certainly can't say I miss the styrofoam wafer.  Okay...maybe the sip of wine because it tasted good.  I think what I missed was the solemnity and ritual.  I think as I adopt new rituals, though, that will soon go away.

Then again, maybe it was nothing more than nostalgia.  I miss aspects of my youth that I will never recapture.

I got a card from a woman from St. Mark's.  I haven't been responding to anyone mostly because there is no way to explain without telling them the truth and I don't want to share that with anyone.  I don't want a lecture, I don't want anyone trying to bring me back to the path they're on, and I don't have anything in common with them if I want to admit the truth.  I was thinking today while reading something a friend of mine wrote about her church and it really resonated with me about St. Mark's.  Her congregation has split so many times over various situations that only a few remain and they have become so comfortable that they don't want to do anything that means changing in order to grow again.  St. Mark's is like that, too.  While the people there are really nice people, they don't want to change either.  And if I will admit it to myself, they remain insular even to people who do start coming there.  I really didn't know anyone.  I never socialized with anyone there because the congregation was so spaced out over the area that few people were actually from the town the church is located in.  Even the priest is from another county.

So I don't feel a connection with anyone there, but this woman who wrote me this week almost demanded an explanation.  And honestly, if there was anyone from there I wanted to stop going because of, it's her.  Of course she's not the reason's an added bonus.  Initially she was interesting and we had a lot in common:  books, movies, love of anything British, Scottish and Irish.  But then she started getting pretty possessive and bossy and demanding.  I think she made it easier to miss church from time to time and when I decided to stop going, it was a relief to know I wasn't going to have to interact with her anymore.

I had decided the problem was with me, that maybe I've become so insular that I don't want friends in real life, but I don't think that's it.  I do want friends.  I just don't want anyone in my life who is going to try to monopolize it or try to control it.  Hell, I've got family for that.

So...the brief moment when I missed Eucharist today came and went in a flash and I was ever so glad and grateful to the God/Goddesses that I had found something even better.

Now my only real problem is my new neighbor has a lot of company over and they entertain in the back yard, which is where my altar and faery garden is (my back yard, not his).  And my bossy little dog doesn't like it so he barks a lot.  Not the neighbor's fault, of course, he's a young guy and is entitled to entertain in his first house.  I've just got to figure something else out.  I can put sheets out on the clothesline and we will be hidden from them but I'm not sure if them laughing and playing horseshoes will interfere with a ritual or two.  Fortunately our rituals are very quiet and unobtrusive at this stage, but I hope to adopt more interactive ones in the future.

And my animal of the day is a butterfly that flew around me while I was taking clothes off the line, even landing on the clothesline.  I was so close to it that I could breathe on it.  It paused for a few heartbeats and just sat there so I paused in my endeavor to just enjoy it.  It flew off and let me finish but stayed close to the clothesline the whole time.  I just looked outside a moment ago and it's still there hovering over the one shirt I didn't bring in.  I'll have to look it up and find out what it all means.

Well, more tasks remain before I can crawl in bed so I'm off to finish them.


  1. The ancient Greeks said that butterflies are symbols of the soul.

  2. That is so cool, especially in light of all the things I was pondering today. Thanks.