At least that's what I envisioned the Goddess saying to the Lord as I was taking the clothes off the line this morning.
I do some of my deepest thinking while washing dishes or hanging out (and taking down) laundry from the line. Today it occurred to me that I've been seeking my whole life, looking for something inside Christianity to fill the void that is in my soul. I've looked into many denominations, sects, and near-cults looking for something to fulfill me. It hit me today that I couldn't find what I was looking for because it wasn't the path I was supposed to be on. Not that I believe in fate or predestination, but I do think there are aspects of spirituality that are inherently compatible with the spirit. And mine was never really compatible with Christianity.
That doesn't mean that my whole Christian experience was miserable. I did have a lot of fun at times and did feel "spiritual" at times as well. But I never really felt "whole." I did a whole lot of lying to myself and to everyone else and you just can't live like that for long without feeling the effects of it. Hence the constant need to find a different church or a different denomination.
Paganism in the form I seem to be following feels very natural to me. I don't feel the pressure to conform or to get rid of those dark aspects of myself. Indeed, I feel like the darkness inside me is normal and something to be mentored as much as I mentor the light aspects. I feel balanced for the first time. Looking back at my first excursions into Paganism, I can see where I was trying on different things as if I were shopping around instead of just letting the Goddess clothe me herself. I know I'm eclectic. I suspect my leaning is Druid. And I'm eager to just learn about it all.
I'm also noticing a growing affection for the Lord as well. I did go through a period of time where I needed the feminine. Having been raised in a patriarchal religion and having also recently left behind the more fundamentalist aspects of that patriarchal religion, I wanted little to do with the masculine. Even to the point of having to cast aside Lugh, whom I have had a great pull toward in the past. Now my heart has softened toward the masculine and I'm discovering that male doesn't necessarily mean patriarchal.
It's good to have that balance back in my life as well. But I'm noticing that I miss the study I had in Christianity. Not the way it's studied within Christianity, but just the whole growing and becoming more than I am now. Zach and I were talking today about how studying the Bible became so boring that it was necessary to keep finding different meanings or levels to what was written. I think that's why there are so many different belief-systems within the religion. Everyone has to keep finding meaning whether it really means that or not.
I'm ready to learn about nature, and signs and wonders of the other-world. I'm ready to learn more about the relationship between the Divine and the Mundane. I want to be more aware of who I am and what exists around and within me. I want everything to be new again instead of trying to find new in the pages of something that cannot and will not grow and evolve with the rest of us. That doesn't mean that the ancient is without merit. It just means that the ancient isn't the final word on anything.
I suspect that one of the reasons Paganism is growing is because the Gods and Goddesses do evolve and grow with us. They don't insist on keeping everyone back in the past. They like it that we are growing up as well. Why wouldn't they want us to keep getting better and more than we are? Why would they want us to remain in the past? Only a God that is insecure and childish would want his followers to stay within the fences he has planted around them.
I've decided that the tarot reading from the other night is freeing me to make a complete break with my past spiritual path and let the priest know where I stand and that I won't be back. It would be a relief to have that part of my life decided once and for all. I feel no need to open up to my husband about it yet. He wouldn't understand and I'm not up for any lectures or ridicule right now. He might not respond that way but he is very right-wing in his politics and religious beliefs so while he may only be nominally Christian I don't think he's ready to find out his wife and son are no longer Christians. It's bad enough he knows we're liberals politically.
I'm hoping to spend tomorrow fixing up the faery garden, planting my herbs and flowers and enjoying the full moon and lunar eclipse. Tonight is for cleaning in the house though and hoping to find my errant earring.