Thursday, June 10, 2010

Learning to breathe

My mind is a blank.  I would like to say it's a blank slate but it's more like a chalkboard that has too much information written on it and I can't focus on any one aspect of it.

This upcoming trip is really stressing me out and I haven't figured out how to use my new spiritual path in such a way as to find the peace that I need to find.  So it occurs to me that I need to learn how to walk that path.  I made a comment once that spirituality should be as natural as breathing.  And I still mean it.  But just like there is breathing and there is breathing, I need to learn to breath in a way that benefits me better than clutching my chest and gasping for breath.

Instead of focusing on the trip, I'm going to learn how to breathe properly.  I keep putting off studying things that would enhance my growth physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I let fatigue keep me from accomplishing things.  I can't necessarily work past the fatigue but I can focus on the internal things that are poisoning my mind and body...the negativity and baggage that keeps me in my prison.

I think I know my path now and I'm not going to focus on whether or not to go to church.  If I get up on a Sunday morning and feel like going, I will, but I'm not going to stress out about getting ready the night before and hope against hope I get enough sleep.  The former attitude is healthy.  The latter is destructive.

I have so many tools I can use to find more peace than I'm living with now and I just keep them locked up in my toolbox.  Partly out of fear that I'm being just silly.  Partly because I just don't know how to use the tools.  It's important to my self-esteem that I learn how to use those tools, to practice with them until I'm proficient at using them and to be comfortable using them.  Everything new usually feels awkward.  Familiarity breeds comfort.

Tonight is a night when I'm pushing past my fatigue, though, because there is so much to do to get ready.  Tomorrow will be a bit better and by Sunday I should be set.  I never, ever wait to pack.  I start packing days ahead of time, making checklists, inventories and plans of attack.  This way the day before I leave isn't as stressful.  I can focus on just getting rest for the trip and finding my route.

Okay it's still stressful because I'm a homebody and hate to be away from home for any length of time.  So it just minimizes the stress. A bit.

At any rate, I'm taking books to read, my knitting and my portable altar that I haven't actually made yet.  I'm going to be more intuitive (thanks so much Rue and Tana) and listen to nature more because I absolutely believe the Goddess speaks so clearly through her creation.

Anyway...much laundry to finish up, supper to cook and the kitchen to finish cleaning and then I'm falling into bed.


  1. Still lighting candles for you. I think you're on the right track (fwiw) and I hope you're finding some peace in it right now.

  2. Oddly I feel better today after giving myself a break from the stress of indecision. Once I gave myself permission to go or not go to church, it was like a weight lifted off of me. Now I'll go if I feel like it and if I don't, I won't. Odd how freeing that is. Thanks so much for the candles. And for the advice on crystals and intuition. That was a huge help.