Sunday, June 20, 2010


I'm feeling better emotionally and spiritually.  I'll deal with my sister's visit when it happens and try not to anticipate the angst.  Although that does seem to be my favorite hobby, anticipating the worst case scenario all the time.

I have plans for myself now, plans to build myself up and not tear myself down.  I don't imagine it will be easy as I have a lot of years of beating myself up to overcome but I am determined to attempt it, anyway.  I didn't go to church this morning because I just flat out didn't want to go.  I was awake and could have gotten up and ready but I didn't want to.  It wasn't a case of just not feeling like going.  I just didn't want to be in the church at all.  We're supposed to have lunch with the priest sometime soon and I know I'll be so tempted to cave in and run back to Christianity because I'm still seeking approval but I think this time it won't quite be so bad.  I don't think the pull will be as strong as it used to be.

I guess in many ways I'm an approval addict.  My sister told me once I was too needy and that's why I didn't have any friends.  She may have been right, but I don't think I'm as needy as I once was.  Sure, it cheesed me that I never can find favor with my parents, but this time I didn't cave in and do everything in order to get them to like me.  This time I stood up for myself and didn't back down.  It was painful but I did feel better about myself.

I'm looking forward to Midsummer tomorrow night, although it may be held indoors as it's supposed to rain.  No matter.  I can do this indoors as well as outdoors.  Well, I probably won't have a fire in my makeshift fire pit indoors but everything else I can do.  And I can do the bonfire on the full moon instead as it's for the ashes for my garden.

I'm thinking of buying a rune stone necklace for myself.  I found this a while ago and fell in love with it.  I just have to decide which rune to wear though.  I have such decision making problems.  I'm always afraid I'll make the wrong decision and regret it.  The reason I like this one is it's not so Pagan and not so Druid and not so religious.  I don't want to identify my spirituality the way I did as a Christian.  Not yet that is.  I will in time but for now I don't want to wear jewelry to state what I am.  I need to really separate myself from my Christian behaviors so I'm not just transferring one belief into another one.  And I could so easily do that.

Well, off to get some things done (although a nap would really be nice.)


  1. Is your sister staying with you afterall? I know what you mean about the jewelry. That's why I like the jewelry I make from crystals and semi-preciouses (I sound like Gollum) because it's meaningful to me for almost a secret reason.

    Build yourself up! I love it. I'm making a collage for my Reiki I class (I forgot to tell you about that on the phone) and it's really helping me focus and define what's going on with me and where I want to be. Kind of cool.


  2. No, she's getting a room but wants me to stay in the room with her so we can have a girls' night. That makes me nervous but I figure she just wants someone to talk to about her wedding coming up in October. She's rarely interested in my life so I'm sure she doesn't want to talk about me unless it's to fix something in me that's wrong.

    I just have to get strong and not let her draw me into conversations about our parents or about my choices. She didn't react well when I told her I was Pagan. Mostly it was like wtf is Paganism? Like I was a kid trying on a fad or something.

    I want to hear more about your collage. It sounds so cool. Also more about Reiki, too.