Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Planning the journey out of my comfort zone

I couldn't post yesterday because my internal rage thermostat was pretty high.  It's down in the high/normal range right now but if I start talking about it, I'm sure the temperature will elevate and I'll go through the roof again.  So I'll try not to go there.  Unfortunately I did unload on my mother last night about the way my sisters have been treating me, breaking down in tears, which wasn't a good mood considering what she's going through with Daddy right now.

But we're heading down that way on Monday.  It will take us all day to get there so really we'll only be down there on Tuesday and Wednesday because we're heading back on Thursday.  I don't travel on weekends.  Plus I have things I have to take care of when I get back and can't afford to put them off until the following Monday.

I got an email from the priest last night wanting to get together for lunch when she gets back from her retreat.  I have still been agonizing over going back to church and finally decided that the anguish on whether or not to go was worse than the anguish I had when I was actually going.  It was one of those V8 moments.  So I've decided when I start getting sleep again, I'll go back.  She wasn't trying to change our minds; she really is just a nice person who likes to stay in touch with people. And because we're both from the same neck of the woods originally we had a connection there.  Not close because I don't do that anymore, since having been close friends with the fundie pastor only to have him stab me in the back.  But I think she finds it refreshing that I'm not trying to be her best buddy.  I'm sure that's a problem clergy have:  people wanting to be their best friends.

Now that that is settled, I can put all my attention on packing and getting ready to go.  One of the things I'm trying to figure out (aside from not taking everything I own with me which is what I'm wont to do when I travel...must be prepared after all) is how much of my altar to take with me.  I've got some birthday candles and some empty Altoid containers that I might set up as a portable altar.  I got this idea from an email loop I was on.  It met with mixed reactions:  some thought it was cheesy, others thought it was a great idea.

I plan on packing some of my crystals...or all of them since they'll fit in the little bag they came in (thanks, Tana!) and my book of prayers (I decided that sounded better than prayer book), a candle or two but no incense since my dad has COPD and I don't think incense would work well with that.  Other than that I don't think I'll take anything else.  I just like to hold the crystals.  I haven't figured them out yet but I know which ones soothe me and right now lapis lazuli is the one that makes me feel better.

I discovered how easily I fell back into Christianese when talking to my mother.  I said all the right things and made the right responses in spite of not believing any of it.  Sometimes it's better not to take a stand.  She feels better thinking we are still Christians. It would break her heart if she thought we weren't "saved" and weren't going to heaven with her.

I'm not looking forward to this trip.  I don't travel well and don't sleep well at home, let alone away from home.  Plus it will be uncomfortable being around Christianese 24/7 for a few days.  My aunt is coming up from Tennessee to see me.  I've knit her some winter socks so it will be good to see her but she's always sending me right-wing stuff through email.  Still, I like her a lot so I overlook it as much as I can.

Poor Zach.  This will be a miserable time for him.  He has to stay in two closets while we're gone.  He'll mostly stay in the guest room online.  We'll tell my mom he's working on his portfolio, which he has promised to do while we're down there, and maybe she'll cut him some slack for not socializing more.

I probably won't be blogging next week.  I have access to Zach's computer but I doubt I'll be able to be online enough to do more than just check my email so if anyone leaves a comment just be patient with me and I'll try to respond when I get home.

I'm going to need a lot of strength from the Goddess next week so if anyone wants to direct some energy my way, I won't turn it down.  I'll have another post or two before I leave, I hope, so don't run away just yet.


  1. Been lighting candles for you and will continue to do so. Lots going on, lots to process for you. I'm so sorry for Zach that he has to endure being doubly closeted. But I know what you mean about keeping the peace and just letting things lie. It is usually better than the alternative. Unfortunately that means less relationship.

    I made the mistake of post hunting on R after reading someone's OP in DAR and geez Louise the literalists and fundies sure do know how to push my buttons! And I hate that. I'm not a member of any of the groups so I didn't post, but just reading that stuff made my skin crawl.

    RE: church. Take it a day at a time. You feel like going back today? Then consider that you're going back today. You feel differently tomorrow? Then tomorrow you'll consider something different. Unbeknownst to a lot of people apparently, there is no one right answer. :) Deep breath.

  2. Good advice, as always. I think at the least I need to go back just to see how I feel. I keep supposing how I'll feel but that's not the same.

    I'm not reading much on R these days. It's so much the same stuff only on different groups. I do keep an eye on our favorite Crappie and there are a couple of political threads I'm watching. And of course the Pagan groups but they are quiet right now.

    I've got a blog I'd like you to look at. It's on the sidebar: My Magickal Musings. She talks about crystals a lot. I'd like your input on the author's information. It seems sound but I'm so cautious anymore.

    Sorry I missed your call today. We'll talk in a couple of weeks though. I'll need to debrief by then.

  3. Here's the thing about crystals: they are going to speak to people differently. When you read a description of a crystal's properties, there are multiple listed. Sometimes I'll go back to look up Charoite (for example), believing it to be an enhancer of one attribute but upon reading about it again, I notice that it's actually mostly about something else entirely.

    If you read The Book of Stones, it's going to say different things about different crystals and minerals than books by Judy Hall. And Halls' books are going to describe differently than Melody's. This is why I have books from each (except Melody b/c they are expensive, but I really would like the coffee table book). And one stone is going to "speak" to one person and not at all to another.

    I think it's Spirit that speaks to us through creation - through matter. When I was picking out stones to send you I didn't do it based on what the books say they mean, I did it intuitively and honest to Gd, I almost sent you two Lapis. So I'm not surprised to find that the Lapis is the one you're most drawn to. Though only you could explain why. :) Lapis speaks to me as well. It's incredibly soothing while also fortifying.

    Also, some people will insist on cleansing and fortifying their crystals. And doing it a certain way. Again, I think this is up to the person. I do set mine out at the full moon sometimes when I think to remember to do so, but there are a few crystals that never need cleaning and also a couple that will cleanse what is around them. Off the top of my head: Kyanite and Selenite. (And some cannot be put in water b/c they'll dissolve. And some that shouldn't come into contact with salt.) So for me, the moon does the trick and I don't have to be worried about which can't be exposed to what. (Unless it is rainy....)

    All this to say, I wouldn't disagree with another person's interpretation of a crystal's purpose, meaning, or care. Because I think it's such an individualistic thing.

    One of the things I really appreciate - it helped me change my mindset about finding the "right" way to think, believe, use, etc.

  4. Thanks, Tana! That's a huge help to me. Sort of like using Tarot intuitively instead of being a slave to the book descriptions. I need to hone my intuition though because I feel very dull and lifeless there.

    I got some books from the library on crystals because I'm not ready to invest yet. And I might not invest at all since I have access to them. I've incorporated some of the information you sent me about the crystals into a journal I keep on information I'm gathering and it's helping a lot even if I don't take everything the information says as gospel. I really appreciate you insight. I swear some days I'm in awe of the way your brain works. LOL

  5. LOL - my brain works?!?!?!?!?! Just kidding. Thank you. I'm glad I can be of help.

    It's total intuition. I read the information because it's interesting but I don't memorize it like I used to memorize Bible verses, you know? I read about Tarot, but when I do a spread I just consider it from a kind of distanced perspective. I usually write it down and think about it for a couple days. I'm sure some tarot reader would shudder to think! LOL.

  6. I'm with Tana - there are so many interpretations of the crystals and their meanings. I pick up whatever I am drawn to, regardless of the qualities I think I need.

    Also, I put mine outside or infront of the window every full moon. It's just a nice energy boost, I think.

    Hang in there, and try to enjoy your trip!

  7. I forgot to cleanse mine last full moon because I was so hyped about celebrating my first one. But since I haven't really used them much I doubt they are too full of negativity to use. I'm still intent on knitting up an amulet bag for wearing them. I might take that with me on my trip since that won't require a lot of space in my luggage.

    Thanks so much, Rue and Tana for your insight. I'm not sure if I trust my intuition anymore with my emotional life in chaos the way it is. But maybe that's just a sign of what I need to work on