Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Me changing, me getting stronger, but am I strong enough to out myself

The priest called today to set up a time to get together.  She's coming here next week to talk to me and Zach, although she's said she's not trying to change our minds.  I babbled on a bit about insomnia, my exhausting trip and no sleep, which was true at one time but is no longer the reason we don't go.  I've discovered that I just no longer want to be a part of Christianity in any form.  And I'm not drawn back to the church at all.  How odd that once I allowed myself the option of going, I no longer wanted to go.

When she gets here, I'll be honest with her but not forthcoming about all of it.  Zach has said he will, too, but he's braver than I am.  It won't be easy for me to be that open.  I'm sure I'll tell her about the loss of faith, but not sure if I want to tell her about my journey to Paganism.  I thought my sister, the minister, who I thought was a very liberal person, would be understanding but she wasn't.  And neither was she that liberal when it all came down to it.

Talking to her is like talking to a fundie anymore.  It surprises me.  It even shocks me.  And her condescension and mild ridicule about Paganism makes me put her more in the conservative locker room than in the more spacious liberal one.  Odd how you think you know someone until you're the one who changes. I'm dreading her visit which I never in a million years thought I would ever do.

I ended up falling asleep before I could do anything for Midsummer but I don't feel that bad about it.  I murmured a short prayer to both the Lord and the Lady, wishing them the joy they had brought to me and then fell asleep mid-prayer.  I did it as a Christian, too.  I think prayer maybe isn't my thing and I should look for an alternative way to connect with the Divine.

And as I didn't get very much sleep last night will most likely fall asleep while knitting tonight so I might as well skip the middle step and just go to sleep.

All in all it was a really good Midsummer with all the new friends I've made and the wonderful advice I've been given by so many great women.  Aside from one haughty bitch who thought she would point out to a wonderful friend who was wishing everyone a happy solstice (both hemispheres) that (ahem) most Pagans don't celebrate the Summer Solstice by the calendar but by the season, I had a really good time. I'm not sure why the sun would be the closest (or furthest) on a different day in a different location, but maybe I'm just not terribly smart.

Of course this was the one bitching about fluffy bunnies a few weeks back.

And then again, maybe I can be a haughty bitch as well.  At least I'm working on it.


  1. You're not a haughty bitch. You are a defender of friends and good people. I feel like I left myself open because I did admit that I wasn't positively sure of what I was saying. But it's all good. Really I knew I was wishing a happy solstice, but in the past when I've done that, the Southern hemisphere people pipe up whining about how it's not SUMMER solstice for them (and without saying so telling me to not be such a xenophobic bitch). LOL So I was trying to make sure I didn't exclude or misrepresent anyone and I got "told" anyway. It seems you just can't win with some people and I'm actually okay with that because really? It's about them and not me.

    And now I'm off to bed because it seems that the sunshine that I was so desperately hoping for brought allergies with it and I have been looped up on allergy meds all day. :) Ah, summer....

  2. I'm just wondering why you're even making an appointment to meet with this woman. Can't you just not be a member of the church anymore? Is this the 1800's? Are they stalking you? I don't mean to sound snarky, but obviously you don't care to have this conversation with her, so I would just cancel and get on with my life.

  3. Inannasstar, this is really common in Christian circles to make the effort to show people how much you care by letting them know they are missed at church. Believe me, this priest is less intrusive than any other minister I've ever known. Truth is, she's just a really nice person and a lot of fun to be around. She doesn't know that we have decided to leave Christianity; she believes it to be a health-related issue because that's how it started out and I've never disabused her of that notion. Coward that I am.

    She knows that Zach no longer believes and has never once tried to "evangelize" him on the issue. I think she's just concerned about us and wants to make sure we're okay.

    Why I agreed to the meeting is because she asked several weeks ago and at that time I wasn't averse to it so when she called to schedule a specific time, I just went ahead and did it. It will give me an opportunity to give back the key to the church without having to go in and I think Zach wants to talk to her so we'll go ahead with it.

    I guess I never thought anything about it because I'm so used to this kind of behavior. But believe me, this isn't stalking at all. You should see the more fundamentalist/evangelical churches when they try to keep a member. LOL

  4. Oh, I got ya. I was never a Christian so I don't know the inner workings. Sorry I jumped the gun and assumed. You know what they saying about making assumptions : )

  5. Not a problem. I hadn't realized until you brought it up that it was such a culturally religious thing. I struggle so much with overthrowing so much ingrained Christianese from my life. It's so much a part of my DNA that I seem to apply it to every aspect of my life. Now that I'm on the outside looking in, I can see how invasive it is to our social culture as well.

    Coming back from my hometown, Zach and I were talking about how Christianized the whole city was. It was expected that every aspect of life there would revolve around at least cultural Christianity...from biblical murals on the walls of the hospital to business owners putting religious messages on their signs.

    I'm so glad I don't live there anymore. It would be suffocating.