Monday, August 30, 2010

Wishing I could have a whole new vocabulary

I'm getting closer to liberating myself from my online life.  I deleted two message boards and several blogs that were anti-fundie.  And I didn't go online until lunch time because I tackled my bedroom, cleaning, dusting and stuff like that.  My room now feels more like I want it to feel for meditation and reflection.  There are still words I shy away from, like pray and worship.  Too many Christian connotations for me.  I don't feel like what I do with the God/desses is worship because of what I visualize worship to be.  Within Christianity, and depending on whether it's evangelical/fundamentalist or liturgical, worship was either singing inane songs over and over again while wrapped up in ecstasy or the Eucharist.  I still feel rather fondly toward the Eucharist because of its ancient and Pagan overtones, but I still want to distance myself from all things Xian so I try to find new words to use.

I feel like what I do is commune with the God/desses.  I talk to them.  Sometimes I listen for them or to them.  Often I look for them in Nature to see what they've got for me or what lessons I need to learn.  Any altar time I spend is often a reflection of life, Nature and how wonderful it all fits together.  I love the rituals for their own sake, not because of anything they can "do" for me.  When I do "pray" it's from a selection of Pagan prayers I've been collecting and putting into a notebook.  I don't have a name for it yet because the term "prayer journal" still fills me with revulsion right now.  I do hope I'm getting over the pain and anger and disgust, but I'm not rushing it. 

I know what I do really is prayer of sorts except prayer in Christianity was pretty much one-sided for me.  I never got the answers everyone else did.  It was like praying to the ceiling.  For over 50 years.  I feel a great connection with the Divine now no matter what form I use.  I just wish there were a different name for it.

I am still plodding along getting ready for the Autumnal Equinox (and Samhain, of course.)  I'm so excited about Samhain.  I've got some photographs of my grandparents and my great-great grandmother (who was a cousin to Robert E. Lee) ready to set out.  I plan on calling on my more ancient ancestors both Native American and Celtic/Saxon.  On  one hand I feel a bit awkward calling on my grandparents who were Christians but I am keen to see if I can get to know the ancestors who are hidden from my direct knowledge. 

But one holiday at a time.  I must find my crochet hooks and get busy on the altar cloth for the Autumn holidays.  Now I'm off to finish up the dishes and cook supper and then to bed for knitting.


  1. I always assume that someone, upon dying, will have such a revelatory experience that the fact they were fill-in-the-blank won't matter, that they'll come to whomever calls. I keep thinking that everyone, upon death, will be very surprised, everyone. But esp. those who think they have it all figured out. LOL

    I wish I could celebrate Samhain with you. I'll be in Portland that weekend listening to Carl. I'm looking forward to that as well, but there's a part of me that wishes I could be home doing ritual. Ah, well, I'll figure out something to do in my hotel room. Haha.

  2. All you need is a window and a candle. Well, in my not so humble opinion anyway.

    I figure my grandparents are beyond the veil now and beyond the silly constraints we mortals put on them spiritually so I will call on them anyway. If they don't answer, they don't answer.

    My cat answered last year. I had still regretted putting her down so I called on her to apologize. I swear I heard her meow in return. At any rate, I felt better.

  3. I agree, I think once we die we are shown EVERYTHING and titles such as Christian, Muslim, Pagan etc etc really mean nothing, they are just here to help us identify on Earth.

  4. Since leaving Christianity and turning to Paganism, my fear of death and beyond has pretty much gone away. Sure, I'm not eager to depart this life, but I don't fear leaving it either. The whole notion of just enduring this life with a promise of an afterlife just wastes a lifetime of learning, growing, laughing and loving.

    I wish I had learned this lesson sooner but at least I can hope that in the next life I bring at least some of this with me and don't look at life as a training session to be endured.