I didn't have much to say last night and I'm trying to learn that when you don't have anything to say, don't say anything. It's a lesson I should have learned years ago.
I managed to get some studying done this morning. I got a book on gardening and I should get up and go see the title of it but I just can't be bothered right now so I'll try to dig it out later. It's a library book so I probably already have it in the bag to return. I didn't care for it much. It had to do with consulting the devas and nature spirits when you garden but I suspect if the author hadn't had an extensive knowledge of gardening, soil requirements and composting in the first place, she wouldn't have heard all the right things about how to properly feed her crops and tend the spirits.
Not that I am adverse to talking with the spirits who manage the crops and even showing gratitude to the plants themselves, but I can bet that if I sat and consulted with the devas they wouldn't tell me to make sure the nitrogen was at a certain percentage or that I needed to add ash to my compost because it needed a change in the pH. 'Cause I don't have knowledge of that stuff.
I also had a problem with the devas insistence that they are angels. I'm still in the stage where anything Christian raises my blood pressure.
And speaking of that, there is a blog I read from a druid who is discussion her time spent with Christians at a Celtic Spirituality retreat. She talks about a man she knows who has left Paganism to return to Christianity and the things they share in common spiritually and how she manages to find common ground with other Christians and how these aren't the "bad" Christians but the ones who see many paths, etc. I find her blog fascinating in her outlook on things and while I disagree about how Christians and Pagans might find a blending of beliefs, I love her gentle outlook on things.
My problem is with the perception that these Celtic Christians make the assumption that the emergent church and the celtic church are the bearers of true Christianity. Quite frankly I heard that shit all my life from the fundies and evangelicals. And the Catholics. And now the liberals are claiming they have the truth.
I maintain that you have to read between the lines and leave out a lot of shit in the Bible to claim that Jesus was this guy who just wanted everyone to love each other and had no rules for anyone beyond that. You have to ignore a great deal in the gospels where he was telling people that he came to fulfill the law and not change it. Where he talked about throwing people out of the wedding feast and sending them to the pit where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth. And how anyone who doesn't believe in him is condemned.
Not to mention the epistles where Paul invents Christianity as some kind of rigid, chaste, male-dominated religion.
Now, while I definitely would pick the liberals over the fundies any day, they have to leave a lot out (which they claim is misread or misinterpreted or whatever) to make it into a religion of peace and love and inclusion. So I just don't see how you can blend Christianity and Paganism without leaving a lot of Christianity behind. Or watering down Paganism until it's so diluted it doesn't resemble it at all. Believe me, I tried to make it work because I didn't want to leave my heritage behind. Then I realized I couldn't remain in it so I discovered a more ancient heritage.
It puts me in an awkward position because my best friend still has ties with Christianity and she listens to me (though I have no idea why) rant and rave about it. But I really don't consider her a part of either liberal or fundie/evangelical/liturgical Christianity. Her beliefs are non-traditional, in my not so humble opinion. She mentioned to someone that I didn't consider her a Christian and the person replied that I needed to view her as Christian and the rest as non-traditional. I'll admit it pissed me off. Everyone claims they have the truth. I'm so lucky to have Tana as a friend because she knew what I meant and why his answer annoyed me.
I honestly don't want to feel this anger and bitterness all my life. I do hope that some day I'll soften my heart toward the institution but it's going to be an uphill climb because quite frankly neither faction appeals to me at all.
I've learned not to say never or always (well, I mostly don't say those words) so I can't say that I'll never set foot inside a church again, but I can say right now that if given a choice I won't. I haven't gone so far as to burn my bibles or give them all away but I have gotten rid of several of them. I mean...as a good fundie you're supposed to have many different bibles in the approved translations so you can mark them up with notes and color coding.) I am slowly giving or throwing away the gadgets and shit they sell at Christian bookstores because they fill me with a great discomfort having them here. But I'm listening to Danu to let me know what and when so I don't just react with a knee-jerk attitude.
I'm finding the more that leaves the house, the lighter the air feels in here. Each day draws me further in to Druidry and Nature and the path becomes clearer. I'm trying to be more intuitive and listen to the bird and toad song and hear the voice of Cernunnos in it. I love that when I work on my crafts I feel as if Lugh and Brighid and sometimes the ancestors are sitting by the hearth with me working on their crafts as well. I rarely feel alone anymore. I don't miss community much at all these days. I realize now what the cards were telling me recently when they said to pay more attention to my mentors and to remain on the solitary path but to find community. It seemed like a contradiction at the time, but not anymore.
So I am off to finish up online and crawl into bed to read some more and then start on my new altar cloth for the Autumn holidays.