Wednesday, March 16, 2011

War and peace

Things are improving here on many fronts, including feeling better both physically and spiritually.  My allergies seem under control, at least.  I could still do with walking down the path of treating myself more respectfully and quit this self-destructive roller coaster I've been on for ages.

I spent a couple of days not seeking any particular deity, praying in a pretty generic fashion and working on opening up my heart in order to excise the pain.  No real progress there aside from a couple of dreams that had me waking up going, "No, no, no, nooooo!  Not going to go down that path.  No fucking way!"  Because opening up and healing my heart doesn't mean opening it up to be eviscerated again.  After calming down a bit, I have managed to make an attempt at figuring out just what my subconscious was telling me (because I'm relatively certain this was about my fears and not a message from Deity to stupidly open myself up to being treated like crap again.)  All I've come up with is that these are my greatest fears at removing the callous that is protecting my heart right now.  I think I'm pretty damned close, too.

Now that I know that (or at least think I know it), I can begin to compartmentalize my feelings and put them in their appropriate niches (not drawers where they are closed up) and take inventory.  I figure this will take a long time, however.  When I see some progress there, I'll report it here, but I'm not hurrying the process.

Spiritually, I keep feeling a call from the Celtic side of things.  For the first time, the mythologies have been exciting to read and the energy that comes from invoking those God/desses remains powerful and completely physical.  I'm keeping my options open, though, knowing me as I do.  I continue to read and study the Greek side as well as other mythologies and pantheons.  And I've let each side know I won't be pressed into choosing sides.  Not that they have tried to, but it made me feel stronger to get that out.

I got my order today from  It's A Book of Pagan Prayer by Ceisiwr Serith.  I haven't looked through it much yet, but I love the size.  It's small enough to hold while doing rituals and praying yet seems pretty full of not only prayers but information about prayers.  One thing I hadn't thought of when I bought it was the name.  It reminds me of the Book of Common Prayer used in the Episcopal Church, a little book I really liked when I was a Christian.  I look forward to perusing it tonight.

I also decided today that the energy flow in our home sucks and needs to be fixed.  I'm going to start by deep cleaning, rearranging and smudging.  As long as the only flow we've got is negative, none of us is going to get healthy, wealthy or wise no matter how much sleep we get.  I'm even thinking of giving up my bedroom and returning it to a living room in order to open up some of the space.  It's a hard decision to make because there are pros and cons to each side.  Getting rid of furniture isn't an option except for the bed (and the couch is a futon) but even though my privacy is minimal it would be less if I gave up my bedroom.  On the other hand, a more open house would help everyone's mood as...I kid you not...if there is more than one person in the living room or my bedroom, there is no floor space left.  That's how tight everything is.  You have to walk sideways through the living/dining room.

But I don't have to make the decision today so I won't.  I'm going to focus on resting tonight as we begin our assault on the house tomorrow.  I'm taking no prisoners either!


  1. Maybe you don't have to give up your personal space? Perhaps just moving things around will open things up a little.

    I know if I had to give up my room right now, I'd go bonkers.

  2. I managed to remove a table and shift Professor's "stairs" to the foot of the bed and opened up the floor space a bit. I kept the card table because although it takes up space, it's useful and I can hide one of my storage dressers full of yarn under it. Zach said he thought the energy in my room was much better than anywhere else in the house. Today we work in getting better energy in his room.