Sunday, March 13, 2011

Standing on the ledge

I'm feeling better physically today and the sun is shining again so my soul feels a bit better, too.  I had a good sleep with some nifty dreams that had little or no meaning except I do wonder about the baby I kept carrying around who kept getting bigger and bigger until I couldn't walk while carrying him. I think I've got that one figured out, though.  I'm pretty sure that  has more to do with Zach going job hunting next week and me not making it my burden.

I didn't think too much about anything spiritual last night, focusing instead on just reading a biography and sleeping.  But it seems like the answers are following me around whether I'm looking for them or not.  It occurred to me that if I feel constrained in the Greek path to limit my pantheon, not practice magick or open myself up spiritually, that even though I enjoy the praxis, then where is the gain?   If all I am doing is going through the motions, no matter how much I enjoy the motions, then where is the growth?  However, if I follow a path that opens my spirituality up to more God/desses, more paths, and more growth, then how can that be bad? 

On the surface it seems like a no-brainer, but in light of my past, having been raised with no choices, having choices can sometimes be overwhelming.  And having too many choices can be as limiting as having none.  And I am pretty sure there are some readers out there who have lost patience with me, because I just keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again...over-thinking, over-analyzing, making it all too complicated.  I've made so many bad decisions as a Christian that I'm paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong decision again.  So I keep making the wrong decision.

Yeah, that makes sense. 

I keep saying I'm not going to think, analyze or complicate my path, but I keep doing it.  I do believe that things are improving even though you couldn't tell by what I write here.  But I'm not beating myself up as much anymore (really, I'm not) and I'm making myself transparent here so you all can see the process no matter how painful it is.  In the past I would have done a lot of deleting or wouldn't have written it in the first place. 

Going with my heart isn't as easy as it sounds when the heart has been scarred so much it's mostly just a callous.  I think I have to heal my heart before I can know just what it's saying.  And I think that's the path I need to walk down first, the one that leads to feeling again.  I've been avoiding it because I'm not sure I want to feel if pain is one of the things I'll have to feel again, but I can say that not feeling is a pretty miserable experience, too.  Maybe having to feel pain is worth the effort in order to feel joy, peace and love, too.

Opening up my heart is as frightening to me as stepping off a ledge without a safety line.  It may take me a few tries to actually take that first step.


  1. This is awesomeness. It sounds like you've struck a wonderful balance between the mind and the gut. Your thinking has led you to a great breakthrough in your Spiritual path in that you now have realized some work that needs to be done to your heart in order to heal.

    Keep on writing woman, it's profound.

  2. Thanks, DM. I feel totally exhausted emotionally and spiritually after writing this entry. I'm not sure what the first step should be, but opening myself up without reservation to whatever God/desses are out there seems like a good step. It might take a few tries to knock down that wall, but I'll give it a go.

    Opening my heart up to the people in my life will be a bit more difficult as it's closed off for safety reasons. I'm not sure I can, or should, walk down that road, but maybe I can find a path for the people who haven't hurt me. There are only a few people I let in, but I haven't let them in very far. Fortunately they understand and aren't pushing me.

  3. Sometimes it is really difficult to find out what the next step may be. Or whether the next step will be on the same path as all the previous ones. But you'll figure it out.

  4. Thanks, Diandra. Not figuring it out isn't an option so I guess I have to move forward and hope that each step takes me toward the path I'm meant to be on. :) I appreciate your confidence in me.