Thursday, March 31, 2011

Sometimes you can't break free without breaking your heart

Not much to say today aside from a meltdown last night with my firstborn who believes the sun rises and sets on Ayn Rand and thinks liberals are evil beings out to destroy the world.  He can't stand it that his arguments don't move me (especially since I used to use them when I was a fundie) and as a result of an argument on facebook over an article he clearly hadn't read, he unfriended me after being obnoxiously rude to Tana (and me).  I'm feeling a bit conflicted about the whole thing as it is a relief to be out from under his scrutiny and his attempts to control me in political, religious thought as well as trying to tell me how to live my life, what my various (and apparently numerous) faults are and how he knows better than anyone else in the world what I need.  I tend to not give him advice or offer solutions to his problems anymore because it became an exercise in how stupid I was to even think that was a solution.

I love him with all my being, but he is emotionally abusive and I can't handle his anger.  I deal with enough anger issues here with another person who is a conservative and thinks the left is out to destroy the world.  I can't wrap my brain around how someone can view all the anti-women, anti-children, anti-elderly and anti-poor shit going on in the wingnut party and think "they're moving in the right direction."  His exact words.

Someday I hope to live in an environment where I don't have to walk on eggshells, but in the meantime I can try to limit my exposure to people outside this house with whom I have to do the same thing.  Love is such a bitter and exhausting thing at times.

So last night after it was all over, and I was unfriended, I chilled out watching Vets in Practice and then shut the tv off and spent time with the God/desses, lit some frankincense and just let myself ride the ethereal waves.  It was peaceful and soothing until I turned the tv off and tried to sleep.  I ended up putting the tv on sleep mode and put Independence Day on from OnDemand and let myself just try to drift off.  It was halfway over before I lost myself and drifted off.  But it was also 3:30 a.m.  And the dog woke me up at 9 a.m. wanting to wee.

So...I found something peaceful to look at online and thought I would share it with you.  It's a live feed so it might take me a couple of tries to get this on the post.  I may have to just offer the link.  But...enjoy.  I know I did.


  1. His rudeness to me was nothing. I felt badly for you. You're his mother for pete's sake. I am sorry for the familial break. It's tough. My heart is broken too for similar reasons. Healing for us all.

  2. Thanks, Tana, but it was over the top and inexcusable. Not to mention his disrespect toward me. I know he had a rough childhood and I was a really bad mother, but that was in the past and believe me I've paid for it over and over again. The number of times we've bailed him out financially, giving him money we didn't have and aside from a thank you, nothing. We told him he didn't have to pay it back and I don't think he owes me his undying gratitude, but to treat me with this much disrespect after I've tried to help him yet stay out of his life...well, I'm beyond pissed.

    I will heal. It will just take time. Love you bunches, Tana.

  3. It's so hard when we grow and others in our life do not. Family conflict like that is gut-wrenching and gut-churning, I know. Hugs to you and may you find peace.

  4. I'm considered the dysfunctional one in my family and yet, I feel more together than I have my whole life. It's hard when your family (and not just my older son) treat you like a problem to be fixed, as if everything you believe or all your actions define you as dysfunctional. It occurred to me last night when I was up with the dog for the millionth time that if Tom talked to me the way I have allowed my older son to talk to me (out of guilt from being a bad mother, mind you) I would divorce him in a heartbeat. Because it's abusive. And yet I allow him to treat me with such disrespect because I feel bad for having been a bad mother. And I really was a bad mother. I won't sugar coat it at all. But the time has come when I will no longer put up with such disrespect. If he wants a relationship with me again, it will be on my terms. Not his. Thanks, Debra. I'm so lucky to have friends who understand.

  5. I'm so sorry Kathy. My Littleman is still little and cute so I don't have these adult child issues yet. Oy. Hugs to you my friend.