Sometimes you can't break free without breaking your heart

Not much to say today aside from a meltdown last night with my firstborn who believes the sun rises and sets on Ayn Rand and thinks liberals are evil beings out to destroy the world.  He can't stand it that his arguments don't move me (especially since I used to use them when I was a fundie) and as a result of an argument on facebook over an article he clearly hadn't read, he unfriended me after being obnoxiously rude to Tana (and me).  I'm feeling a bit conflicted about the whole thing as it is a relief to be out from under his scrutiny and his attempts to control me in political, religious thought as well as trying to tell me how to live my life, what my various (and apparently numerous) faults are and how he knows better than anyone else in the world what I need.  I tend to not give him advice or offer solutions to his problems anymore because it became an exercise in how stupid I was to even think that was a solution.

I love him with all my being, but he is emotionally abusive and I can't handle his anger.  I deal with enough anger issues here with another person who is a conservative and thinks the left is out to destroy the world.  I can't wrap my brain around how someone can view all the anti-women, anti-children, anti-elderly and anti-poor shit going on in the wingnut party and think "they're moving in the right direction."  His exact words.

Someday I hope to live in an environment where I don't have to walk on eggshells, but in the meantime I can try to limit my exposure to people outside this house with whom I have to do the same thing.  Love is such a bitter and exhausting thing at times.

So last night after it was all over, and I was unfriended, I chilled out watching Vets in Practice and then shut the tv off and spent time with the God/desses, lit some frankincense and just let myself ride the ethereal waves.  It was peaceful and soothing until I turned the tv off and tried to sleep.  I ended up putting the tv on sleep mode and put Independence Day on from OnDemand and let myself just try to drift off.  It was halfway over before I lost myself and drifted off.  But it was also 3:30 a.m.  And the dog woke me up at 9 a.m. wanting to wee.

So...I found something peaceful to look at online and thought I would share it with you.  It's a live feed so it might take me a couple of tries to get this on the post.  I may have to just offer the link.  But...enjoy.  I know I did.

http://www.ustream.tv/decoraheagles

Mother Moon and frankincense

I got my frankincense in the mail today and plan on using it tonight after a shower and while doing some night-time ritual.  I don't think I've ever smelled it before but the packages smell pretty good.  I hope it does have some effect on depression but to be honest, I'm just glad to have it for ritual.

I also got this card which is now in a frame on top of the mirror on my main altar.  Since I feel such a connection to Hecate and to the Moon I wanted something on my altar to reflect that.  I also got something else but it's a secret as it's a belated birthday gift to someone special.  As soon as she gets it (I'll mail it out tomorrow) I'll link to a picture of it.

I've been a bit blah lately...tired and out of sorts...partly depression and partly allergies, I think.  I hope the spring air warms up enough to open windows soon so I'm not breathing in whatever it is I'm allergic to...most likely mold and mildew, which I've tried to clean up but in this neck of the woods, it's everywhere.

I'm also hoping to get some studying done soon as all I've done so far is just plan it and not actually done it.  The books will be due back at the library before long and I'll have to wait to get them again.  I've renewed one of the books already and hope I can renew the other, but as it took a while to get it, I'm afraid it's already got a hold on it.  Oh, well...my fault for not getting on it sooner.  I have other books to read in the meantime that are mine and don't need to go anywhere.

I'm off to take a shower, then ritual, then bedtime.  I had planned on knitting but I might end up going to sleep instead...which would be a good thing.

No church for me

Things continue to improve spiritually. I'm moving more and more into my comfort zone, finding my niche in the Pagan world.  Tom is absolutely supportive of me, helping me in any way he can.  When I read today that frankincense is good for combating depression (and since I can't take anti-depressants, not even St. John's Wort) he told me to find some online and buy it.  And he didn't even mention the stove needing to be replaced.  So I plan on looking for some.

I also watched a PBS concert I had on my dvr last night, thinking I would delete it afterward, but it was so good I want to keep it.  It's Celtic Thunder and they are so good.  I love men's voices as that is more my range for singing (and I used to sing special music in church...don't miss it a bit) so this is a nice complement to my Celtic Woman cds.  Unfortunately, StuffMart doesn't have any of their stuff.  I'll look online for it and maybe next month get it.

I'm loving my Pagan Prayer Book and use it several times a day.  I still love my Homeric Hymns, too.  Beautiful stuff!  I'm doing better at developing rituals and routines, but not so much for staying offline.  I'm back to spending way too much time here and not enough reading, writing and crafting. 

I stopped off for a cheap meal at Wendy's, forgetting the Christian Boy still worked there.  He asked me if I was going to church tomorrow.  I panicked and told him I was if I could get up.  He then said (a bit snarky, too) that I should just set the alarm.  Then I made some lame excuse about insomnia (which isn't really lame because it's the truth) but I felt so defensive and was kicking myself for letting a kid make me so nervous about my spirituality.  Truth is, I don't want to talk to him about it, but I don't want his lectures either.  Or him telling his fundie/dominionist father about it who would then talk about it in men's group and put me on the prayer list to save my soul again.  I'm a frequent enough customer at Wendy's that if I said something about his pressuring me on religion they would talk to him but he is only being sociable because he thinks I'm still a Christian.  I hope next time I can stand up and just tell him I don't go to church anymore and just drop it.  I'm such a wuss.

On the other hand, I do have a lot of freedom here at home and don't have to worry about that.  I suspect that someday my parents will find out but if they don't I will remain partly in the closet until then.  They are the only ones I don't want to hurt in all this.  The rest of the world...I don't care about.  I just don't want my parents to worry about my eternal soul this late in their life.

So, I am off to do some reading and studying and then some knitting and dvr watching.

Change, energy and me

I guess people do change.

Zach and I ran into some people from our old, fundie church, although these were some of our closest friends and we've maintained some contact with them since leaving.  Don't get me wrong, they're still very much conservative Christians, if not fundies, but they've never really done the whole preaching routine at us.

So anyway we ran into them at StuffMart and since I knew their daughter, and Zach's best friend while we were there, was in the country from Norway, I asked after her.  Come to find out she was there in the store.  Since we had already checked out, I stayed with the cart and Zach went to visit with her while I visited with my friends.  We talked about lots of stuff...but nothing religious.  I know they know I'm a Pagan now because we're friends on facebook and up until I friended my aunt, I had lots of things that mentioned I was Pagan.  And I know Jessica knows because she's read this blog before.  Only once, but that's all she needed to.

So when it was my turn to visit with her and drool all over that precious baby, I had a great talk with her.  Before she was always bossy and very preachy, even calling me one time to tell me to throw away Zach's Evanescence cd because it was evil.  But she never mentioned church, God or anything like that.  And what was so weird was last night, each of us, without the other knowing of course, was looking at a newpaper article about Zach's homeschooling a few years ago.  And then we weren't going to go to town today but we did and there she was.

Her response to that really blew me away.  Instead of talking about how God was in the details or anything like that, she just replied with a great big smile, "How random."  I loved that response.  But what was more, I loved that she didn't feel a need to religionize me.  I know she's still a Christian from her facebook stuff, but she's so much more private about it than she used to be.

So we said we would get together and knit and stuff and her mom is going to set something up so we can all get together.  Although I suspect it will be a party with more than us, which I wouldn't be comfortable with since most of the old friends from my old church aren't so polite about religion, but we'll see. 

In other news, the cleaning I've done so far on the house has woken up so much energy that Zach is having a hard time sleeping.  He's always has insomnia, from birth in fact, but has never had this much trouble.  The energy is palpable, though.  I'm sure we'll get used to it especially since I'm so motivated to continue.  My body isn't cooperating very well right now, so I'm slowing down my approach, but we'll get there no matter how long it takes.

But for now, I still have a few things to do before collapsing into bed.  Emotionally it was a pretty good day.  Physically, I could use some help so I'm going to light some candles, focus on channeling some of that energy in the atmosphere into my sore, aching muscles and joints and then attend to my knitting and documentaries.

No more rules for me, thank you

I went back to the thrift store today because there were a few extra books I thought I would get now that I've got a bookcase set up.  I got Asimov's Foundation trilogy, The Glass Inferno (one of the books The Towering Inferno was based on...the other was The Tower) and a Terry Pratchett Discworld book.  Can't think of the title just now.  I'm doing so much more reading than knitting these days but I'm not questioning it.  I go where the awen leads me and if it's into writing, then that's where I'll go.  And for me reading always leads to writing.

Tom stayed overnight with his sister because he was too tired to drive home.  The phone rang at 1:17 a.m. and brought my heart up into my throat but better he calls than me sit up all night worrying.

Not that I slept.  Between the two pets, I only got bits and snatches of sleep.  Professor wanted out three times only to stand on the porch and refuse to go out in the rain.  One time he woke me up to play ball with him.  Hannibal, as cats do, wanted to curl up in my arms and took...I kid you not...10 minutes deciding which position suited him better, only to then keep tapping me on the cheek with his claw-extended paw every few seconds.

I plan on going to bed early tonight.

I do plan on having a quiet, personal Ostara/vernal equinox ritual tonight.  I don't feel a need to go all out as we did a really powerful full moon ritual last night, at least for me.  I looked to see if I could find any egg candles at the thrift store but didn't succeed.  Any of the other eggs they have aren't as nice as the egg my mother-in-law gave me years ago, but I don't feel like digging through the mess upstairs to dig it out.  I have my silk daisies and chrysanthemums for color and that's enough.

I should get a picture of my various altars but I'm going to wait until the house is clean first.  My personal altar has really gotten more elaborate since adding the mirror behind the nightstand.  They're from Japan, bought when we were stationed on Guam.  The mirror actually goes with the dresser which is upstairs in Tom's room but the mirrors are too tall for the garret-like ceiling up there so I've used them on the nightstands.  Hopefully next week I'll have pictures.

I was reading a Pagan message board today where this one girl called herself a Nordic Wiccan only to be shot down by someone who let her know in no uncertain terms that there is no such thing.  Then she and another poster patted each other on the back for their insistence on letting these people know you can't mix pantheons and you can't steal other people's religions because without the Lord and the Lady, there is no Wicca.  Then the first poster basically just said bite me in the nicest way, and the other two were so busy priding themselves they didn't notice.  I laughed my ass off.

The thing I took away from this was I just didn't care.  I would have let it bother me that I might be doing something wrong or that there was someone out there policing the way Pagans worship.  Today I just thought, meh...their problem, not mine.  I know who calls me and who answers when I call and it's not their fucking business how I manage my spiritual life.

But honestly, I don't get involved in conversations like that. Except with myself.  And I no longer try to win the argument with myself; I just let us both win.  I really like it that I feel a connection with two (or more) pantheons.  I feel spiritually blessed not limiting my deities or feeling I need to be one or the other.  A song kept running through my mind when I was struggling this.  It's an oldie called Torn between Two Lovers and the chorus goes:

Torn between two lovers,
Feeling like a fool
Loving both of you
Is breaking all the rules.

Except I wasn't breaking any rules.  I mean who made up the rules anyway?  I had my fill of rules when I was in a religion that used them to keep the adherents captive.  Now that I'm free, I don't need no stinking rules.

So I actually still have an altar for the threshold that is dedicated to both Zeus and Cernunnos and they both seem to get along just fine.  I call upon Hestia as much as I call upon Brigid...I just seem to know when to call one or the other.  And so far my blended family of God/desses get along beautifully.

And when praying for Japan last night, we called upon the Japanese God/desses as well, although not by name as I'm not familiar with them, because who better to call to protect and rescue the Japanese people but their own God/desses?

Anyway...I'm off to bed to read for a bit before having tonight's ritual.  And to study as well. 

Have a blessed Ostara/Vernal Equinox, everyone!

It was magickal

I had gone to the thrift store today looking for black candles because I seem to find them there, albeit usually with a glare from the cashier (it's a Lutheran-run thrift store).  So today when I went I tucked my pendant into my sweatshirt (it's a raven on a pentacle) and just smiled at the cashier.  I found 5 black candles this time.  Two votive and three tapers.  I also found a little ceramic spinning wheel for my altar to represent my crafts.

Zach and I went out just a little bit ago.  The moon wasn't visible from the faery garden but you could see it through the naked branches of the trees if you went up the hill that borders the garden.  I had the flashlight so we wouldn't step on my blueberry bushes.  It was pretty hard to see but it did seem a bit bigger.  Not huge, but bigger.  I'm going out later when it's further up in the sky to get a better look.  We didn't take pictures because there really wasn't anything to use for perspective.

I said some prayers to the Old Gods, letting them know the people still remembered them and were worshiping them still (it was a beautiful prayer in my new Pagan prayer book.)  Then I said a prayer to the darkness, followed by a prayer for a full moon.  I had 3 opium incense sticks (I really doubt it's real opium) stuck in the ground in front of my outdoor altar, burning, after I walked the perimeter of the garden proclaiming it a sacred space.

Then I charged my spirit beads and my crystals in the incense and really felt a surge of energy through them.  I consecrated my staff (hadn't done that since Tom gave it to me last fall) and had the same result.  Zach consecrated his dragon flag and sword to the Black Dragon.  Then we went up the hill carrying our black votive candles where we could see the moon.  It was beautiful although difficult to see.  Then we both sent prayers to Gaia and Japan for healing.  We blew out our candles and came indoors.  It was short, not terribly scripted and all the more wonderful for it.

What was funny, though, was just as we started our neighbor came home with a friend and here we were outdoors with candles, wearing dark clothing and murmuring stuff that sounded a bit like chanting.  This is a guy that flies his flag 24/7, drives a humongous pickup truck and hunts. I hesitate to classify him politically but generally liberals or progressives don't feel a need to flaunt their patriotism.  I'm just sayin'.

Anyway, I locked the car doors just in case.  We've had a couple of incidents since he moved in with someone turning my headlights on in the car.  Not saying it was him or his friends, but it has only happened when he had a party going on.  And frankly we don't pay any attention to him aside from his friend who parks in front of the fire hydrant.  And the most we do then is just bitch to each other about it.  His parties don't bother us at all, but I suspect we bother him while he's having his parties.

Neither yard is fenced in and our back porches are pretty close together.  I have been out working in my garden when his parties have started up so I generally just finish up and go in to give him privacy.  Or I've gone out to hang clothes up while he's having a party because I need them hung up and don't want to wait until morning.  But I'm not sure it's him.  It's could be just a coincidence and there are kids in town who are misbehaving.

Hoping this summer is better and we didn't freak him out with our ritual.  I did wonder what the people driving into town thought.  Our back yard sits below the main highway by about 20 or so feet so they drive by and look down into our yard.  But they usually drive faster than the speed limit so I doubt they saw much of anything.  I've learned not to care what they think.

But we didn't yell or chant loudly or call upon Satan so I think we're good.

But I do have to say that it was magickal.  This is the first time since I found the Pagan path that I felt comfortable and natural in this kind of ritual.  Standing on top of the hill (which is still about 10 ft below the highway), watching the moon peek behind the denuded trees and watching our breath in the candlelight was so peaceful and satisfying and had far more spirituality to it than anything I ever experienced in a church building.

I'm good.  I've found my path, however eclectic it may be, it's the path I'm supposed to be on.

I feel re-charged myself, eager to study, explore Nature, and learn her secrets.

But for now, I'm going to bed and knit.  The perfect end to a perfect ritual.

Feeling more normal...whatever that is

As I said in my other blog, I am a woman possessed.  I did some things in my room last night that helped the flow of both energy and traffic so the room feels open and much better.  Zach said it's got the best energy in the house.

So we tackled his room today.  His depression has prevented him from cleaning...something I completely understand...so he's gotten behind.  Plus behind all of his furniture was mold and mildew.  He had cleaned it up last month but didn't get behind the heavy stuff and where he had cleaned had come back a bit.  So we've got two rooms mildew free.

I had a weird dream last night.  I wrote it down and it took four pages so I won't repeat it here, but the main points were that some former fundie friends were behaving in a very calloused way toward me while my older son and I were sick and while I was bedridden and sleeping most of the time, got custody of my son.  I went ape-shit and cursed and told the husband that what he did was so fucking Christ-like and poked him in the chest with my finger.  LOL  What got me the angriest was they had turned their kids and my son against me, calling me lazy and a bad mother.

I'm not sure what the dream means if anything, but I did have a nice chat with my older son last night.  I think he's finally accepted that I'm a Pagan now and doesn't seem as bothered by it.  I could understand his angst about it.

I really, really love A Book of Pagan Prayers.  It has so many beautiful prayers in it for various occasions, some using generic references and some specifically named.  There is also a section on how to pray, how to compose prayers in addition to the many interesting things about the prayers.  It is really satisfying my ritual time.  Tom woke up to some candles lit and mentioned it.  I just said they were from ritual time and he apologized (what for?) and looked embarrassed.  In many ways, I love his embarrassment.  It makes him seem more real.

Well, supper is nearly ready and I'm exhausted but I still have some laundry and a shower to take.  Our safari killed a lot of dust elephants today.

War and peace

Things are improving here on many fronts, including feeling better both physically and spiritually.  My allergies seem under control, at least.  I could still do with walking down the path of treating myself more respectfully and quit this self-destructive roller coaster I've been on for ages.

I spent a couple of days not seeking any particular deity, praying in a pretty generic fashion and working on opening up my heart in order to excise the pain.  No real progress there aside from a couple of dreams that had me waking up going, "No, no, no, nooooo!  Not going to go down that path.  No fucking way!"  Because opening up and healing my heart doesn't mean opening it up to be eviscerated again.  After calming down a bit, I have managed to make an attempt at figuring out just what my subconscious was telling me (because I'm relatively certain this was about my fears and not a message from Deity to stupidly open myself up to being treated like crap again.)  All I've come up with is that these are my greatest fears at removing the callous that is protecting my heart right now.  I think I'm pretty damned close, too.

Now that I know that (or at least think I know it), I can begin to compartmentalize my feelings and put them in their appropriate niches (not drawers where they are closed up) and take inventory.  I figure this will take a long time, however.  When I see some progress there, I'll report it here, but I'm not hurrying the process.

Spiritually, I keep feeling a call from the Celtic side of things.  For the first time, the mythologies have been exciting to read and the energy that comes from invoking those God/desses remains powerful and completely physical.  I'm keeping my options open, though, knowing me as I do.  I continue to read and study the Greek side as well as other mythologies and pantheons.  And I've let each side know I won't be pressed into choosing sides.  Not that they have tried to, but it made me feel stronger to get that out.

I got my order today from Amazon.com.  It's A Book of Pagan Prayer by Ceisiwr Serith.  I haven't looked through it much yet, but I love the size.  It's small enough to hold while doing rituals and praying yet seems pretty full of not only prayers but information about prayers.  One thing I hadn't thought of when I bought it was the name.  It reminds me of the Book of Common Prayer used in the Episcopal Church, a little book I really liked when I was a Christian.  I look forward to perusing it tonight.

I also decided today that the energy flow in our home sucks and needs to be fixed.  I'm going to start by deep cleaning, rearranging and smudging.  As long as the only flow we've got is negative, none of us is going to get healthy, wealthy or wise no matter how much sleep we get.  I'm even thinking of giving up my bedroom and returning it to a living room in order to open up some of the space.  It's a hard decision to make because there are pros and cons to each side.  Getting rid of furniture isn't an option except for the bed (and the couch is a futon) but even though my privacy is minimal it would be less if I gave up my bedroom.  On the other hand, a more open house would help everyone's mood as...I kid you not...if there is more than one person in the living room or my bedroom, there is no floor space left.  That's how tight everything is.  You have to walk sideways through the living/dining room.

But I don't have to make the decision today so I won't.  I'm going to focus on resting tonight as we begin our assault on the house tomorrow.  I'm taking no prisoners either!

Standing on the ledge

I'm feeling better physically today and the sun is shining again so my soul feels a bit better, too.  I had a good sleep with some nifty dreams that had little or no meaning except I do wonder about the baby I kept carrying around who kept getting bigger and bigger until I couldn't walk while carrying him. I think I've got that one figured out, though.  I'm pretty sure that  has more to do with Zach going job hunting next week and me not making it my burden.

I didn't think too much about anything spiritual last night, focusing instead on just reading a biography and sleeping.  But it seems like the answers are following me around whether I'm looking for them or not.  It occurred to me that if I feel constrained in the Greek path to limit my pantheon, not practice magick or open myself up spiritually, that even though I enjoy the praxis, then where is the gain?   If all I am doing is going through the motions, no matter how much I enjoy the motions, then where is the growth?  However, if I follow a path that opens my spirituality up to more God/desses, more paths, and more growth, then how can that be bad? 

On the surface it seems like a no-brainer, but in light of my past, having been raised with no choices, having choices can sometimes be overwhelming.  And having too many choices can be as limiting as having none.  And I am pretty sure there are some readers out there who have lost patience with me, because I just keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again...over-thinking, over-analyzing, making it all too complicated.  I've made so many bad decisions as a Christian that I'm paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong decision again.  So I keep making the wrong decision.

Yeah, that makes sense. 

I keep saying I'm not going to think, analyze or complicate my path, but I keep doing it.  I do believe that things are improving even though you couldn't tell by what I write here.  But I'm not beating myself up as much anymore (really, I'm not) and I'm making myself transparent here so you all can see the process no matter how painful it is.  In the past I would have done a lot of deleting or wouldn't have written it in the first place. 

Going with my heart isn't as easy as it sounds when the heart has been scarred so much it's mostly just a callous.  I think I have to heal my heart before I can know just what it's saying.  And I think that's the path I need to walk down first, the one that leads to feeling again.  I've been avoiding it because I'm not sure I want to feel if pain is one of the things I'll have to feel again, but I can say that not feeling is a pretty miserable experience, too.  Maybe having to feel pain is worth the effort in order to feel joy, peace and love, too.

Opening up my heart is as frightening to me as stepping off a ledge without a safety line.  It may take me a few tries to actually take that first step.

Seeker me

I can't say anything changed overnight.  I didn't wake up feeling like a Druid or feeling like I knew the answers.  Nor do I feel particularly spiritual today as opposed to the past few weeks.  But I do have indications that I might be on the right path now...at least that I'm looking at it more closely.

The Tarot had been giving me gibberish lately, even after invoking Apollo and consecrating the deck to him.  And I mean complete gibberish.  I'm not great at reading the cards yet, but this was just not making any sense.  So I tried again today after lighting a candle and some heated oil (I water it down or it makes my eyes water) while trying hard to concentrate.  Initially I couldn't get the Greek path off my mind so I just did the cards asking if that was the right direction.  It was interesting that that reading told me that my past was strong, my present was weak and my future...well, I got the Death card.  And no, I don't think staying on the Greek path means I'm going to die.  But I did intuit that it might mean that this could be a spiritual death. Especially in light of feeling as empty as I do now.

So I tried again while focusing on the Celtic path.  I was amazed as the cards said my past was very weak, my present was in a good place and my future was going to be incredible.  Don't ask me what the cards were because I can't for the life of me remember now...just that I had swords for the past, and cups for the present and future.  I could look them up and figure out which ones I had but that would mean moving and I'm really tired right now.  This medicine is supposed to be non-drowsy but I'm sleeping a lot!

I'm not getting all giddy, figuring out that I know the answer yet, but I do think I'm getting close to the answer. Especially in light of finding out from Dark Mother yesterday that the owl is associated with Hecate, and as I had a connection with her before moving to Greek polytheism and none afterward, that might really be significant.  The "come home" request might have meant that she wasn't happy with me practicing Greek rituals in a Celtic pantheon.  But who knows?

As I'm not good at figuring out what's good for me, I'm going to just take it a bit easy and let this happen, if it's meant to happen.  I got my Druidry and Wiccan books out of the armoir and put them alongside my Greek books and I've got a book on order from the library on Celtic mythology.

But I must say that I never felt that charge of energy with the Greeks like I did with the Celts.  Even last night, when bringing out Cernunnos's candle, I felt a bit energized lighting it.

Still, I don't want to keep hopping from one thing to another so I'm going to just drift down the river for a bit and see what happens.

It sucks to be so afraid of commitment.

Hawks and owls

I have epiphanies.  Well, truthfully, I think I have epiphanies.  I'm not sure what they are because they frequently contradict themselves.  Maybe I'm just crap at figuring out what the epiphanies are.  Or I'm not really having them.  Maybe they're just brain farts.

Anyhoo...I was driving home from my millionth trip to town this week and saw a hawk on a power wire.  I have seen many a hawk, even on power wires so I don't know why this particular one made me feel like I'd touched raw electricity, but it did.

It's not even been a while since I've seen one, albeit not on a power line so I can't figure out why this one made me feel like someone was peeking into my soul.

My first thought was...what made me think the woman in my dream was Athena?  Well, the owl silly.  And she said to come home.  So...duh!

Except owls can mean other things and come home can mean something different, too.

All the way home I couldn't get it out of my head that maybe that wasn't Athena, so I pondered what was going on in my life and how my spiritual life was doing.  Truthfully, I was stagnating.  Seriously stagnating.  Now, I loved performing daily devotions to the Greek God/desses.  Loved the mythology even though I'm still not sure what to do with it.  But there wasn't a spiritual bone in my body anymore.  I was just in love with the ritual.

I realized that I wasn't interested in knitting, crafting, my crystals, herbs, nature...nothing.  I wasn't even particularly interested in the gods themselves.  I just liked doing the rituals.

So I looked up the owl in connection with Celtic mythology and found that the owl has been associated with the spiritual and the magical.  It's also a guide to the otherworld.  So who was the goddess who was calling me home?  Not a clue. But I wonder if her identity wasn't important.  That the message was.

But you would think these deities would make their messages a little more clear, wouldn't you?

Or at least give me a clue.

Or maybe they did.

I'm not sure what to do right now, but I do know that I was a much more spiritual person before I flirted with the Greek pantheon.  Not their fault, of course.  But it does answer a lot of unasked questions about my occasional longing to go back to church.  It was the ritual, not the deities.

I don't know what the answer is, but I do know that I don't want to feel hollow anymore.

I swear that hawk looked right into my eyes, but I could be wrong.  At any rate, I intend to look a little deeper into myself and find the answer I've been keeping hidden.

It's got to be there somewhere.

edit:  and apparently the hawk is the messenger between the physical and spiritual worlds.  Do I need a bigger kick in the ass?

You want to see courage?

I am so overwhelmed by Dark Mother's exquisitely expressed and transparent picture of raw pain that I can only point you in that direction. 

Getting to grow you...needing to get my seeds in their containers

I continue to improve.  Especially in the sleeping department.  I got to sleep fairly early, for me, and slept uninterrupted until around 8:30 a.m. when I got up to go to the bathroom, let the dog out/in and went back to sleep for another hour.  I just wish I felt more rested.  The headache is still there although not nearly as bad as it was and better than yesterday.  The pain in my jaw is much less than it was yesterday.  I have no idea what the problem is and if it comes back, I'll hightail it to the doctor immediately rather than go through this again.

I got my book today and intend to get busy reading it tonight in addition to the other books I've got on the table by my bed.  I'm just trying to read the ones I was only able to check out for 2 weeks first.

I need to clean house.  It's gotten away from me again, as usual.  I mean, we're not in any danger from the health department, and if someone came over, they would see it just cluttered a bit and not filthy, but Clutter and I are not close friends.  In fact, we hate each other; I can't abide Clutter's presence.  So I hope to work on banishing her from the house permanently.

As soon as I take another nap.

I'm nearly done with the Greek afghan.  I just need to bind off the last side, tuck in the ends and maybe crochet a row all the way around so it looks more finished.  Then I'm back to work on the Navajo coat and whatever else I find to knit.  I'm just amazed I was so faithful to the afghan.  That's so not like me.

The snow seems to be melting slowly and the ground is mushy to walk on.  It's generally ugly out there with the dirty snow and muddy ground, but I still feel optimistic and plan on getting some seeds started next week.  Looks like I'll have to order some more tobacco seeds.  It might be June before I dig out the desk and there is no guarantee that's where they are.

I just ordered some but I couldn't remember who I ordered them from.  I think I found the company and got 100 seeds for less than $7 including shipping.  Not a bad price.  I will probably get them next week some time so the spring planting can begin.  Just as soon as I find room on the shelf for the containers.  It might take me all week to figure that one out.

Well, time to fix supper.  I'm not really hungry but I want to go to bed and watch Frost (I was able to renew it so it's not due until next Friday) and finish up my afghan.

TTFN

Feeling better

I'm feeling better today.  The sinus pressure is gone, thanks in part to an antihistimine and a lot of sleep.  The pain in my jaw just might be TMJ, as it does tend to visit people with fibromyalgia.  My sister has TMJ but not the fibromyalgia and these things tend to run in families.  It's better today though so I'm not certain where it belongs.

I thought I would get my book today from Amazon.com but it looks like it got to the post office too late.  It should be here tomorrow though.  I got Hesiod, the Homeric Hymns and Homerica translated by Hugh G. Evelyn-White.  What I won't be buying are books about Hellenic Reconstructionism because I find the more I read about it, the less I like any religion.  I'll let the God/desses tell me where to go.  And there are definitely things from my Celtic path days that I would like to keep that the recons would go ape-shit over but I doubt the deities would care about at all.  Like magic.  Not that I do magic much, but I don't like the option not open to me. 

But I do want to read more about the history of the Greek religion and culture.  I got a marvelous book from the library this week on the new shelf about Greek and Roman mythology.  But it also talks about how the myths were viewed at the time and how they have carried over in art and society today.  Definitely not from a religious perspective at all, but oh, so informative.  And I'm all for the truth rather than urban or folk legends.  Not that I don't find gems in them, but I had enough of fairy stories in Christianity that were portrayed as the absolute truth.  Let me find my own truth these days.  The book is The Greek and Roman Myths: a Guide to the Classic Stories by Philip Matyszak.  Great book so far.

And no, I don't get a kickback from Amazon.com for links.  :) 

I still enjoy the druidcasts and Damh the Bard and  Professor Ronald Hutton and now I have new things to love and enjoy.  All without commitment. 

Have you noticed that I love long hair on men?  And my husband wears his hair like he did in the Navy.  :(

I just don't feel a need to be this or that.  I'm just who I am as the God/desses help me mold myself.  I'm trying to be open (although I do admit there are things I am absolutely closed to, such as anything rigid and exclusive) and let my spirit soar.  It's the journey, after all, not the destination.

Dreams are not legal contracts

Apparently, dreaming is in the air.  Tom's dreams have been vivid as well.  I had another dream last night about the 12 Olympians in their thrones in a semi-circle.  They were earnestly discussing something with each other and didn't seem to notice me.  Or they didn't regard me.  Either one.

I will acknowledge that I got the last Percy Jackson book at the library yesterday and read it all in one sitting so that might have influenced me.  But I can't say I had a dream about the Olympic Gods when reading the other books.  But you never know. Still, nothing happens in dreams that lock you in to a commitment.  Which is good since I'm so commitment phobic.

I'm so intrigued that it was Athena who came to me in a dream because, as I said in the comments of the last post, she's never been one of the Goddesses I would have considered.  Had it been Artemis, I might have thought it was wishful dreaming, but being Athena, I tend to take it more seriously.

Although that still doesn't mean I should walk the Greek path.  But I must admit it seems like I'm fighting a walk in that direction.  As Tana said yesterday in the comments, we're ruined when it comes to making commitments.  Does that aspect ever heal in a person?  Can you stop being afraid of making wrong choices?

I found an owl statue at the thrift store today.  It's tiny, about 2 inches tall (actually there are two owls, one slightly larger than the other) and looks like bronze, although probably not as it doesn't feel heavy enough to be metal.  Just the right size for my altar.  I noticed that I also have a stag bell and a sand dollar as well.   Hmmmm....

I've been pondering having an eternal flame.  I did something similar to this in the interim between Samhain and Yule.  I have a battery-operated candle that I used instead of trying to set fire to the house, but I have a potpourri pot that I have scented water in (mostly lavender or lilac oils...and believe me when I tell you two drops is more than enough!) and a tea candle lasts about 3 hours in it.  And since it is so nicely contained and can't tip over, it would be safe to use while I'm at home.  I can flip the battery-operated candle on for night or when I leave.  I like the idea of it, thinking of it as a line of communication left open with the Gods all the time, even if it is mostly symbolic.  But I happen to be a huge fan of symbolism.

I'll be able to be more articulate once my headache goes away and I can think again.  Another reason not to make any commitments right now.  Or burn any bridges for that matter.

I'm off for evening devotional time and then to bed.  I might have to get up early to make a doctor's appointment to deal with the sinus infection that will not end and that means a very early wake up call.