Thursday, December 30, 2010

Not playing that game anymore

I wasn't going to post today because I don't feel good and am a bit cranky but then I had to get away from knitting endlessly for a few and decided to go for it.  After all, I've been crankier.

I had to go to the store today to get some cold medicine because I've managed to catch whatever it is that Tom had over the weekend and Zach has now.  While there, I decided to look for a glass bowl for my altar to use for sacred/annointing water.  I had some specific ideas about how it should look...clear glass, handles if possible and not more than a dollar.  I know...pretty unrealistic.  I saw nothing at the store so I stopped at the thrift store on the way home and found nearly exactly what I was looking for, for 99 cents.  Gotta love it when a plan comes together. Thank the God/desses as I had mentioned it to them last night.

I came home and transferred my consecrated water to the new bowl and mentioned to Tom what a deal I had gotten.  So he walks into my room, picks up the bowl and turns it over, spilling the water all over my altar.  He then blamed me for it saying he didn't know it had water in it.  Sigh.  Of course...  I very patiently told him not to worry about it as I soaked up the water off of my cloth and my spirit beads, crystals, incense burner, etc.  I thought, since I was going to change it out later in the week anyway, I would just go ahead and change the colors to blue, which is what I felt like having on my altar during the interim.  He said, while I was mopping up the water, that he supposed that water was special or something, huh?  I said yes but didn't make a big deal of it.  He then volunteered to get me some more water from the faucet.  I told him I would take care of it but thanked him for it anyway.

Now...I wasn't in a friendly mood toward him anyway as he had made some remarks yesterday about me looking to find fault with Christianity and that's why I left it.  I've told him my story more than once, that I lost my faith from reading the fucking Bible...sorry...from reading the Bible in order to write a Nativity play for our church.  When I couldn't get the chronology to line up with the different accounts, I lost my faith.  He knows this as we have talked about it many times.  Yet he blames me for leaving Christianity because I chose to find fault with the Bible itself.  I knew this was going to happen eventually.  And this is why he keeps me confused.  Some days he's supportive and helpful, other days he displays attitudes like this, as if I deliberately was looking for "proof" to leave it.

And just the day before we had such a good talk about why I left and how I was doing so much better now.  He was so supportive then. This kind of thing exists in other areas of our relationship so I don't know why I expected this to be different.  I'm tired of being pulled in one direction and another so I have decided not to play the game anymore.

I think the time has come to just shut up about it.  I hate having to play roulette with something that is very precious to me.  I thought I could talk to him about it, but I was wrong.  From now on I'll just use this blog as a venue for discussing, sorting and sharing the spiritual things that are important to me.  Zach is going through a time where he just isn't interested in spiritual matters so I hate to unload on him.  I don't want to pressure him on his path. 

It's just one of the hurdles on the journey that gives me choices.  I can wait for it to disappear, walk around it or jump over it. As I don't plan on stopping my journey, I think I'll choose the least delay and jump over it.  I might bruise my shin but I'll be on my way sooner.

So after all of this, I changed my altar cloths, re-consecrated my altar and tools and blessed the water and just moved on.  Except the incense hurt my throat...that pesky scratchy sore throat I hadn't thought about when I lit it.

Well, my sneezing is interfering with my typing right now so I'm off to bed for some more knitting as I'm too grumpy to sleep.


  1. I'm sorry he is so inconsiderate of your beliefs and your altar. I can only imagine how frustrating it is. My 'not soon enough to be ex' likes to make sarcastic comments about my altar or crack jokes about it. He's attempted to touch something on it a couple times I think but for some reason stop mid way.

    Hope you and Zach feel better. Wishing you both Bright Blessings and a Happy New Year!

  2. My husband isn't Pagan either, but he does not put down my beliefs or argue the bible with me (he's not Christian either....he's kinda agnostic). I think a lot of Christians rattle on about the bible as a way of convincing themselves what they are saying is true.

    As for talking to him...there is nothing wrong with keeping your Spiritual life close to your heart, you may find your relationship with the Divine deepened if you don't taint it with words to someone who is just going to let those words fall to the ground.

  3. That's the beauty of a blog, isn't it? It's YOUR space to say and be whoever you truly are.

  4. I'm sorry, Kathy. You know, Mercury came out of retrograde, what? Yesterday? Day before? I've not experienced a shift yet and I'm certainly ready for it. I've been cranky too and frustrated and sad. It's just been a hellava year. May 2011 be filled with blessings for us all. May peace abound. May love make her presence felt and known. Here's hoping. Much love to you dear friend.

  5. Thank you all. I wonder sometimes if he just doesn't take in what I say because he's not particularly interested but goes through the motions anyway and makes me think he is. He's not a monster, just has never been much good at respecting privacy or personal spaces. He tends to view his world as having mega-importance and yours not so much.

    I do have hopes that this will be a good year, that I will grow and learn to keep things more sacred and personal. It's a lesson I'm late in learning.

    Have a happy new year, everyone.