Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Learning to be opaque

In my studies yesterday I read that the sacred tree of the Bard is the Birch tree.  I found that really interesting because this past year I've found bark skin from the Birch in my yard before nearly every festival, something I hadn't seen before in the 12+ years we've lived here.  I know this can be explained away without having any spiritual connotations, but I choose to see the hand of the Divine in it.  More confirmation that my path is the right one for me.

I'm also feeling more and more that my path is not clearly defined by any one discipline.  I am most content finding my own way, learning those things that spark a fire in me and not putting a title on any of it.  I like finding spiritual nourishment from many different buffets.

Zach and I grabbed a bite to eat while we were out shopping today and ended up staying there for over an hour just talking about spiritual matters.  You'd think we could do that at home but we don't.  It's as if we have a barrier to speaking our hearts at home.  I know that I have resolved to keep my sacred things private even though I am "out" to Tom because I don't feel respected or taken seriously.  I can only tolerate the smirks and eye-rolls so much, you know.

And this from a man who hasn't opened his Bible in over 12 years and rarely ever went to church, not even to see  his son's dramatic productions.  This is the man who told me he knew back when we first married that I didn't have any faith because I disagreed with him on a matter of doctrine.  Me who had been a Christian all my life versus him who had been a Christian ten minutes.

I focus on the fact that I can be open and that helps.  But being open doesn't mean being transparent.  I'll keep the specifics to myself from now on.

I looked at the library today for some books on Wicca and there were none.  There used to be several books but the shelf was fairly empty except for anti-witchcraft shit.  Now, our library isn't one that caters to the fundies so I'm assuming that either they're staying checked out because they're popular or they're staying checked out because people want to keep other people from reading them.  And oh, yes, Christians do that a lot.  The homeschool support group Zach and I were members of in San Diego bragged about doing things like that as well as hiding controversial books in the library where they couldn't be found, like behind bookshelves or inside partitions.  I'll look them up on the database and put them on hold but it's a bit frustrating.

I'm planning on cleansing my altar tonight and reconsecrating my athame along with some other tools that haven't been consecrated yet.  I bought some picture frames today to hang some cards that Tana had sent me.  A lovely Yule card and another one she sent a while back of a group of women who look like they're practicing a ritual in the woods.  I never dared to put them up before.  As soon as Yule is over and the ancestor wall goes into the drawer, I'll put them above the altar.  You can't find cards like that around here, even at Hallmark.  It's so depressing that nearly every card I see has some kind of Christian overtone to it.

I'm feeling optimistic in spite of knowing that my beliefs aren't respected because in the long run, it doesn't matter.  What matters is that I don't have to hide who I am and what I believe.  But still, that transparency thing. 

I need to finish up supper and then off to do my rituals.  And then...we're off to see Harry Potter on Friday!


  1. Oh good, you got your card! I was pretty excited to find those. I have a copy of the card of the women in the forest too, I think of you when I see it, knowing you have the same picture. :)

  2. I'm sorry for not letting you know. I think things I intend to do and then forget I haven't done them yet. LOL

    That's definitely us in the forest around the fire. I'm so glad to have your friendship throughout all the struggle to find my path. As well as the friendships of the other readers here. I couldn't have made it through without all of you.