Saturday, December 4, 2010

I need a minder to shut me up

I'm a babbling idiot.  I ran into a friend from my old fundie church today and I just couldn't stop babbling about this and that.  And so help me, I even did the godspeak stuff, pretending I was still one of them.  I mean, it's not like they cornered me.  I saw them first and asked about their trip to Norway to see their brand-new grandson.  I think I lack social graces. In time, I'm sure I'll be more comfortable with who I am and will be able to talk without babbling.

It could be I was just lonely, too.  Tom told me once I come across as so needy that people shy away from me.

I'm getting excited about the upcoming Yule.  I've got my altar dressed for it and have my yellow (Lugh) candle ready to put in the candle holder.  I've missed my God and am looking forward to his rebirth on the Solstice.  I haven't had this kind of excitement and anticipation since...well many years ago.  It actually gives me hope that I am indeed healing emotionally and spiritually.

I've been trying to meditate again and I'm making progress.  I just get so distracted so easily and without a door or even a wall separating my bedroom from the rest of the family, it's hard to find a quiet time.  Of course, I could get up before everyone else and I did try that, but I kept falling asleep instead of meditating because I was still so sleepy.  And Zach stays up till around 3 a.m. so I can't wait until everyone goes to sleep.  Inevitably when I'm trying to meditate, the phone rings or someone comes to the door or something like that happens.

I am trying to be nicer to myself and accept my limitations instead of fighting them.  It does relieve a lot of stress.  I'm using the energy I normally spent on beating myself up to actually work on studying and on my crafts.  Hopefully I'm getting better at it in spite of the inevitable relapses.

Off to watch some documentaries and knit on some wool I spun a couple of years ago.  I'm sleeping in tomorrow.


  1. I read once that babbling can be a symptom of stress too. I can imagine it's stressful to run across your former fundie associates.

  2. I've always been a nervous babbler. It's like I don't know how to behave when I'm with another person. I even do this with my sisters.

    It was pretty stressful considering she's one of my fb friends and if she has read anything on my wall, knows I'm no longer a Christian. It was the elephant in the room when we were talking though. I wasn't going to bring it up and I'm sure she didn't want to either.