Friday, March 29, 2013

Going gently into that good night

My mother's life is winding down.  It looks like they have decided to stop dialysis.  I don't know what the timetable is from here on but they had hoped, when they talked about it before, to get her home so she can spend her last few days where she was home with Daddy.  It's a bittersweet time because she is truly miserable and fading away both mentally and physically, but her life was one of love and determination.  She refused to go gently into that good night; she was stubborn about staying here as long as she was able.  But now it's time to do just go gently into that good night.  She has had a remarkable life and she deserves a peaceful and loving death...not one in a nursing home where she was so unhappy but at home surrounded by her familiar life, her loving husband of 62 years and friends and family.

When my aunt died, my mom told me how they all sat in her room singing hymns while Aunt Wilma slipped from this life into the next one.  She expressed her joy that they were able to do that so I hope they do that for Mom.  I'm sure they will.  Music was something that was very important to my mother.  And especially music about her god.  If I were able to be there I would sing her through the veil.  I would sing about her god and help her cross over into the next life, along with my sisters.  We have sung for Mom before.  But this time they will have to do without me.  I can't make it down there, mostly because of my health.  I'm still battling this pneumonia.

After Aunt Wilma's death, she did express some contempt toward "heathens" as she called them because they didn't have the joy and hope that Christians have at the end of life.  I didn't remark on it because there was no point except to score points.  And I respect my mother too much to do that to her.  She's got her faith and I wouldn't take that from her for anything.  I am completely content with my own path.  I don't need to justify it or defend it.  But honestly, I have found more peace with death as a Pagan than I ever did as a Christian.  Zach and I will have a ritual when we're told the end is near and we will find our own way to help her cross through the veil.  And I've been looking for the appropriate picture to add to my wall of ancestors for my altar.  I look forward to adding her with a special place among them.

So within 2 weeks at the most, my mother will leave this world for the next one and I hope her journey there is peaceful and loving.  I didn't always get along with Mom but I always loved her and in many ways she was my best friend.


  1. It is a dichotomy our relationships with our mothers. As daughters we can both love and hate at the same time. It is quite beautiful because the light can be so bright that it helps shine through those dark times.

    May your mother go peacefully surrounded by her family and may your health improve as each day passes.

    You're a strong broad. You can do this.

    1. Thanks, M. I'm having some issues with certain family members now that are making this even more difficult, even if those family members don't know there is an issue there. I hesitate to post about it because should they read my blog, which they never do, at this time it would be really inappropriate so I might just talk about it in a more private setting. I am just tired of being shut out and tired of certain family members using Mom's illness and death as a jumping point for attention seeking.

      I'm exhausted by both the pneumonia, Mom's illness and the stress of being the outsider in the family.

      Thank you for being there with me throughout this. Hugs.