Friday, March 22, 2013

Can't wait to get better

Obviously I'm not resting enough.  I woke up this morning...or rather around noon (Tom didn't get in from work until 4:30 a.m. and for some reason I was having trouble sleeping so I just stayed up until he got home) and the morning trip to the bathroom felt like a 100 yard dash.  I was really out of breath.  I had to do some errands today although Zach did most of the work.  I sat on a bench in the store while he did the majority of the shopping but still, I'm not in bed resting.  The infection in my lungs is gone but some fluid still remains.  I'm not coughing as much as I need to either.  But I just can't seem to force it.

I'm eager to get healed so I can clean the house.  All this chaos and negativity really makes it hard for me to concentrate.  I'm not even reading much anymore.  And definitely not lighting candles or having ritual much at all.  It's not that I don't want to honor the gods while I'm sick.  I just don't seem to care about it.

I don't mean I don't care about the gods.  I do care; I just don't care to do anything about it.  I think I should stay in bed tomorrow.  Zach has been doing laundry, cooking and keeping the kitchen clean.  I just get so bored in bed.

I do ponder things from time to time though.  One thing I haven't done since walking this direction is pick a pantheon or group of gods to worship.  I really haven't pursued a connection just yet.  I have felt Brighid's attention while I've been sick and the few times I've lit the hearth candle, I've invoked her but I've also invoked the household spirits as well.  And I do feel a draw toward Cernnunos, enough to put the stag figurine on my altar, but as far as praying to any gods (aside from Brighid) just not happening.  And I'm good with that.  My focus so far has been on me and finding a magical connection independent of the gods.  Not that I never intend to draw from their energy or invoke them while performing magic.  I'm just testing my boundaries and my energy for now.  And right now my energy sucks.  Big time.  I really don't want to draw on something much more powerful than I am while I'm this puny.

I do have a particular draw toward things Celtic, Welsh and some Anglo Saxon.  And as I mentioned earlier, the Egyptians goddesses, Sekhmet and Bast will have a place in my foyer as guardians of the threshold, along with some other deities.  Like Hermes.  And there is an owl figurine that will reside there as well.  Not sure who she represents yet, but I get the name Morrigan when I look at her.  Maybe not, but that will become clearer at a later time.

Rituals don't seem the same without incense but I just can't handle that right now.  Would be like lighting up a cigarette and I can remember the days of bronchitis and smoking so I can only guess what it would be like with pneumonia.  Absolutely not going back to those days.

Zach and I were talking today about missing church, as we do sometimes.  It's not the religion we miss, but the people and the ritual but both of us agree that we just can't go back.  I think we mostly get that nostalgia because we're lonely.  There is no one in our lives outside this house except on the internet.  We live in a very Christian/Catholic area and everything is very much church-related when looking for groups to join.  There are environmental groups but most of them are still affiliated with church groups, even if they are a bit more liberal than the fundies.  Everyone here seems to base their identity on their church home.  It's hard to break away from that.  Still, if we have to go further afield, we intend to do that.  Madison has a pretty good Pagan community and Circle Sanctuary isn't much further than Madison.  It's just going to require going outside our comfort zone and finding the money to travel that far.

Well, bedtime for me with some books and some knitting.  I'm designing as I go, trying to knit up a purse.  My old one is getting frayed and I never see what I want in the stores so I'm attempting to make one I like.  I should get back to the socks for my niece and my baby sister but that requires a bit more concentration and better fine motor skills than I have right now.

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