Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Lessons from the dying

I desperately need to clean my room.  The energy in there is palpable.  And chaotic.  Unfortunately the kitchen is also a disaster and needs my attention more than my bedroom does.  Fortunately I'm up to cleaning in fits and starts, getting a bit done here and a bit done there.  I'm not getting as tired today as I was yesterday.

Spring equinox is tomorrow so I hope to have the bedroom at least presentable by then so Zach and I can have a small ritual for the event.  Probably won't use any incense though.  I haven't used any in over a week and as Zach is still coughing, although getting much better with each passing day, incense will irritate his throat a lot.  I might use oils although they don't feel as spiritual to me.  I have some grape juice made and am hoping it lasts until tomorrow night.  The guys drink juice a lot.

I"m getting very antsy for spring, for green grass and warm days.  The wind is so brutal today that we can't set the trash out just yet.  It will blow into the street.  I am watching my bird feeder swirling on it's cable, swinging back and forth wildly.  I haven't fed the birds in ages, mostly because I've been under the weather.  Plus with my mother's condition it's been hard to concentrate on much else.

I was able to talk with her this morning.  My aunt called while she was there so I could speak to Mom.  It was hard as Mom mostly just repeated what I said or what my aunt told her to say.  Her dementia is getting worse, unfortunately.  As she deteriorates and slips away from the person she used to be, it becomes easier and easier to give her up to the world beyond, to her heaven or Summerland or wherever she's allowed to go when it's her time.  I miss her already, the conversations we would have 3-4 times a month, just chatting, sharing ideas about gardening or household stuff.  She's just not the mother I shared all those things with.

Doesn't mean I'm eager to let her go, however.  She has decided not to end her dialysis, not to go into hospice. at least at this time.  She just won't give up.  I wish I had her stamina and her courage. 

I've thought many times over the years that I can't be free, can't be open about my spirituality while my parents still live because of the hurt it would cause them and because of the lectures I would receive from them.  But I never looked forward to having that freedom at their expense.  I always thought it was years and years away but with my father also very ill and weakening, I may lose them both this year.  Certainly Mom can't last much longer with renal cancer, her arteries occluded and another stroke pending.  I don't know that Daddy will last much longer than her.

And oddly, when I think of them as ancestors, I can picture myself being honest with them about it all.  I can see their pictures above my altar and me sharing my spirituality with them.  I don't feel that way about my other ancestors, especially my maternal grandparents. But I can see myself having the relationship with them as ancestors I never had with them as my living parents.  I don't know what to think of that.

The mantra for everyone in the family is "one day at a time" because any day Mom could leave us.  Any day Daddy could leave us.  And Mom refuses to make any plans beyond today so we are all learning to live this way.  I admit it's hard for me because I constantly live in the "what if" world and the worrying about tomorrow landscape.  I do know that what I have taken from this is that I haven't actually been living my life.  I've just been along for the ride.  I plan to make a lot of changes now, finding a life to live outside this house, finding friends, venturing out of my comfort zone to go places and see things and do things.  Tom is planning on taking us to Circle Sanctuary next month for his birthday off. 

A lot of changes in my life.  And so far all of them seem good.

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