Monday, March 18, 2013

Explaining the evolution of my path

Still very much under the weather but I'm also bored to tears having to stay in bed most of the day.  I've done some reading and some writing in my journal but aside from catching up on the dvr, not a lot else.  Well, sleeping a lot, which I really needed.

I wanted to talk about the evolution of my journey and how I ended up right back where I started...almost.  I don't know how articulate I can be about it but I will try.

I had that moment of clarity when I realized just what I was doing to myself, what I had done to myself my whole life...which is believe in the system because it's the system.  Instead of looking at what I believe and finding the path that fit that, I was looking for a system that I liked and trying my best to believe all it taught.  Part of it had to do with that kid in the candy shop thing, where I had been locked in my room all my life and suddenly was able to experience all the world had to offer so I tried to take it all in instead of sorting through and finding those elements that fit me.  I was trying to make a wrong size suit fit me instead of buying a suit that fit.

Really bad metaphors, I know.  But true.  Once I committed to the Greeks, and tried my best to adopt all the practices that went along with them, I felt absolutely smothered.  But I kept at it and tried to keep the attitude in place because I had committed, after all.  Then in a flash I realized that my love wasn't the Greeks at all.  I did love them, and still have a fondness for the Norse as well, but the bottom line was that initially I wanted witchcraft, eclectic and pagan.  As long as I stuck with the Norse or the Greeks, witchcraft just wasn't happening.

I chose the Greeks mostly because I was looking for authenticity.  After a lifetime of being fed a load of crap in the form of a mythology that was largely made up and having been indoctrinated into believing every word of it was true, I needed a mythology or a pantheon that was as close to the truth as possible, one that hadn't been manipulated by Christian monks or demolished by the Church.  But then it occurred to me that I didn't believe any of the mythologies anyway, didn't view them as history or fact and while I might find truth in them, it wasn't because they themselves were true.

Bottom line is that I had an epiphany that the pantheons and mythologies were man-made, that the gods exist outside all of that bureaucracy and that many of them seem to exist in one form or another in different cultures.  I don't mean to say that Zeus equals Odin who equals Yahweh.  I just mean that the names we assign them have more to do with culture rather than what their real names are.  And certainly in ancient times, the tribes would adopt a deity out of their own culture and incorporate them into their own traditions.  Not to mention there never was a country that held to a particular pantheon throughout it's realm.  Each city state, or tribe or village had their own deities, their own practices.

So that got rid of that all-or-nothing attitude I couldn't shed and I was able to see things in a broader sense.  I no longer had to adopt a complete pantheon and incorporate the practices from people eons ago just because someone else said it had to be done that way.  I could find my own way, connect with the gods I wanted to connect with and believe what I believed instead of trying to force myself to believe what that particular path taught.  No longer do I have to  honor gods I don't even like just because they were part of the package.

So, while I've been sick I haven't been able to actually do much I've been studying and thinking and refining what I want and where I want to go.  Magic is definitely at the foremost of my plans.  The gods I will worship will be the ones I like, or even love, but also they will be the ones who share my view of the world and not the ones I have to ignore the differences we have politically and socially.  I bought some more Scott Cunningham books:  The Magical Household and Earth Power.  That makes about 6 Cunningham books I own now.  But I'm also going to use my book on the runes and some of the heathen books I have on magic and things of that nature.  If a Norse god/dess walks into my heart wanting a connection with me, they'll have a home with me.  If it's Greek, the same.  It just doesn't matter where they hail from as long as they share the same virtues and mindset I have.  Never again will I worship a deity who insists I leave my conscience and brain at home in order to have a relationship with them.  Been there, done that.

I received a lovely gift from a friend:  a statue of Sekhmet and a statue of Bast.  I don't know if I will incorporate them into my altar, but I do know they will be in my foyer, guarding my threshold.  While I was pondering what to do with them, I saw in my mind's eye a picture of them sitting on the coat rack in the foyer, side by side, guarding my home.  So when I get better, I'm planning on tackling the foyer, cleaning it up and charging it magically and putting my Egyptian goddesses there.  I feel a connection with them even if I don't see them on my altar.

But for now, I'm feeling very much exhausted and need to go back to bed.  It's snowing like crazy out there and as this might be the last snow of the season, I think I'll go to bed and watch it snow.  And then fall asleep.  I am doing a lot of that lately.  Much needed, for sure.

While I'm not ecstatic about this change in my direction, I am absolutely content and feel very much at home with this choice.  No jumping for joy but a quiet, peaceful feeling.

And now to bed.

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