Monday, April 1, 2013


I'm feeling a lot better physically today.  I was able to get out of bed and run some errands without gasping for breath or having to sit down every 3 minutes. In fact, I forgot to use my inhaler this afternoon.  I am still taking it a bit easy but it's obvious that staying in bed for 4 days was what I needed.

Emotionally, however, I am not doing well at all.  Maybe it's depression due to the pneumonia or my mom's impending death but I think it's just I'm fed up with having to wear a face that doesn't represent what I feel all because I have to suck it up when it comes to my family.  I won't be putting the link to this blog on facebook today because while I'm almost positive no one in my family ever reads my blogs, this would be the one time they do.  And I'm just not into lectures or scoldings right now.

I am largely ignored when it comes to my sisters.  They get together and make decisions about Mom and Dad and then tell me what they decided later.  If I come up with an idea, it's shot down immediately so I just stopped offering up suggestions or opinions.  When I started writing my mundane blog nearly seven years ago, I was excited that this would be a way to keep in touch with my parents and my sisters.  I gave them the URL and waited to see if they would comment since I was writing mostly about my day to day existence along with the knitting stuff.  Not a peep.  So I asked my mom if she had read it.  She hadn't and didn't even know what I was talking about so I gave her the link again and told her what it was.  Still nothing.  I asked again and she then responded that she didn't like stuff like that.

Forward a year or so when my older sister, P, went on sabbatical to Europe and blogged about it.  My mom raved about P's blog and how wonderful it was.  I mentioned my blog again, gave her the link and still she never would read it.  P also keeps writing blogs about our mother's dying process and getting them published on a widely read internet source.  The first one was nice.  After the third one it felt more like she was capitalizing on Mom's impending death.  She keeps sending me copies of this wanting input from me.  I sent her a paragraph from my last blog entry and I got crickets chirping from her.  Not one fucking word about it at all.  Last year she gave a sermon telling her congregation some very personal things about me, painting me in the darkest of colors scoring points off of my past.  She asked permission to tell the story but I just couldn't believe her arrogance so I just told her to do whatever she wanted. 

I also offered the URL to my older son as well but he wasn't interested either.  So neither my sisters, my parents or my older son are interested in what I write.

As you know my older son just published a book on  He sent me emails with excerpts from it asking my opinion, wanting me to praise his book and offer him support. I made a few suggestions and offered him support.  Several years ago I started writing a book and asked his opinion about it.  I got criticism and an offer to edit it for me since he didn't think it was very good.  I put the book away and never touched it again.  So now he's got a book out there and during the birthing process called and emailed me about it a lot.  When I got pneumonia, I told him on his facebook page but he never responded at all.  In fact, the next night, when I was really feeling like shit, he called me dumping his problems on me.  I mentioned the pneumonia and he said he didn't know even though I wrote about it on his fb page.  Next night he called again.  I just wanted to sleep but he wanted to talk about his book.  He acted as though I had never told him about the pneumonia.

It's apparent to me that there are people in my life who are supposed to care about me who don't seem to give one shit about my life, what's going on in it or how I'm doing.  I shared an email with him about them taking my mom off of dialysis and his only response was that my older sister had already told him.  That was it.  Nothing since then.

When both my parents are gone, I'm ending the relationships I have with my family.  They're not healthy and certainly toxic to my mental health. I'm tired of being there for people who are never there for me.  I'm tired of the anger and criticism and lecturing I get from all of them, including my older son.

Zach and I have plans once I am through this pneumonia and once he gets through his cold.  It involves a creative process that will take up a lot of time and includes several venues all of which spiral from our pagan practices.  I won't have time to deal with the shit I get from people who don't have room for me in their lives unless it benefits them or unless they have to let me in because they can't exclude me.  And I certainly won't let that negativity derail me from taking my life out of this rut and making it more fruitful and productive.

I know they all view me as the black sheep of the family.  My daughter has disowned me for real and imagined offenses that she won't let go of and thanks to P who fed the fire, will never make up with me.  In fact, I thought we had made some headway because she friended me on fb but now she no longer even responds to me when I pm her about my mom.  I have no idea what my offense is this time but I am fucking through trying to pay for my past sins.  I don't know what I have done to make everyone feel this way about me but I am through trying to make up for the past.

This is the family that is know...the religion of second chances.  I've given much more than two chances to them.  And not being a Christian anymore, I'm all out.  I'm through.  I'm taking care of me and the ones who really are there for me from now on.

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