Monday, March 4, 2013

Free to

This cold is kicking my ass but at least I'm not deathly ill.  Just incredibly annoyed that I can't sleep for coughing.  And that coughing induces my gag reflex so that keeping what little food I'm eating in my stomach is a sheer act of will.  I have things to do and I can't do them.  It's frustrating.

I know that my path feels more like a roller coaster than a real direction.  Honestly, it makes me dizzy sometimes, but I think I had a lot of baggage to overcome and all my decisions up to this point kept me hanging onto that baggage.  I had to have the whole package even if I didn't like it.  It was like the price of admission into Paganism was adopting a practice with all its rules and obligations.  A full pantheon even if I only liked a few of the gods.  The whole set of holidays even if they were next to impossible for me to actually celebrate.  Always wanting the culture and practices I discarded for the culture and practices I adopted.

I don't feel completely settled right now because the world is open to me and I'm not shutting any windows or doors to exclude anything.  But I don't feel adrift anymore.  I actually feel more grounded now than I've ever felt.  I don't have anyone ruling over me, telling me I have to do this such and so.  This is all between me and the deities now.

I know that what I have chosen for myself is more along the lines of neo-paganism or even new age shit.  I've heard that on various recon boards in reference to people who pull deities out of different pantheons.  To some recons it's the worst insult, I suppose.  But what can I do but what I am doing?  I can no longer do things because someone insists it's the right way or the only way to do something.  I have to do it because it's right for me.  But I had to get to that point where I could walk away from all-or-nothing mentalities.  I don't have to wear the whole outfit because someone else thought it looked right together.

I can't promise I won't have a relapse, where I break down and feel like I have to wear the whole ensemble, but I do hope this is it for me.  The roller coaster can be nauseating at times and certainly isn't my idea of a fun ride.  Some might like it but I don't. 

But for now I'm going back to bed to cough unproductively and try to keep from throwing up.

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