Painful truths are also liberating truths

I lit my hearth candle this morning and invoked Brighid, not expecting anything because it's been a while since I've had a serious connection with any kind of deity, but I was pleasantly surprised.  I felt a very powerful connection; one that I haven't felt in quite a while. So I've been pondering that all day, as I have worked in the kitchen cleaning and I think I have figured out what it is I've been doing.

Odd as it sounds, I think I've been searching for what I lost with Christianity. More structure, more form, more rigidity.   And yet those were part of the reason I left it behind. I love ritual but what is it that I love about it?  I think part of it is the form, the design, the architecture of it.  Of course it must have meaning, but ritual without design isn't very meaningful for me.  So I've been looking for more and more structured ritual, as I found with the Greeks.  And yet it wasn't satisfying at all.

I've also been looking for something that had things spelled out for me so I didn't have to do a lot of work myself.  Again, something like I had with Christianity.  Tell me what to believe; don't make me figure it out for myself.  It's not any wonder that I felt claustrophobic under those conditions, though. 

I've been searching for an ordered and structured pantheon as if I were ordering from a menu.  I'll have the Norse pantheon with some blots and troths in white sauce and a nice horn of mead to go with that.  Again, finding something already set up for me so I didn't have to figure it out for myself. 

What I forgot was that the gods call you.  You don't order them from a catalog in the size and color you desire.  The gods know if you are the right fit for them.  They don't audition you, the way I auditioned them.  They know because they've been aware of you for longer than you've been aware of them.

I made the same mistake I've made all my life. I keep picking relationships that aren't a good fit for me.  My "arranged marriage" with Christianity was a master/slave relationship.  With the Greeks, I was a sycophant, wanting them to like me and sucking up to them in spite of the obvious personality clash between us.  And with the Norse, it was unrequited infatuation.  But again, an even worse personality clash.

The only real fit for me, with who I am and what my expectations are, are those in the Celtic/Druidry realm. I don't need a nanny to hold my hand and tell me what to believe. I don't need another dysfunctional relationship with the gods.  I need a connection that validates who I am and accepts me unconditionally.  Honestly, I didn't get that with the Greeks at all.  I never felt like I was doing it right or that I was good enough.  The Norse I never connected with at all which made me feel even worse about myself although in retrospect, I'm glad they didn't because in the long run, it would have been disastrous.

I'm not saying that the Greek path or the Norse path is a bad thing.  For the right person, they are a wondrous thing.  But they weren't spiritually healthy relationships for me.  They weren't abusive to me at all; that's not what I mean. I mean it's more like taking a degree in math when your passion is art.  I still have a fondness for the gods of both realms and always will.  I hold them in high esteem but they didn't call me.  I have to admit that I wanted that to be true, but it's not.  They didn't.

Druidry did call me...gently, persistently, lovingly and patiently.  I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.