Courting gods

I bought some candles today. Pretty spring-like colors because I need them.  Well, I don't need them, but I sure wanted them.  I have red and white but wanted something to express the feeling of spring that's going on right now.  I don't care if it snows next week.  Right now I need color.

I took down the grandmothers from the wall above my altar and put my goddesses, moon and frolicking maidens back up.  I just couldn't work my altar with the grandmothers there. I wonder if it's because two of them were devout Christians and the other a devout atheist.  I feel more attached to the distant ancestors I don't know than the ones I do know.  Well, I don't know Great-Grandma Lee, but I've heard about her.

I think it's hard for me to connect with those ancestors I knew to be Christian because of the very prominent law that exists within evangelical/fundamentalist Christianity:  we're right and you're wrong.  And since I have no clear picture of the world beyond aside from believing we recycle reincarnate I can't say they haven't gone to their heaven, just like they thought they would. I only know I'm not going there.  By choice.

I couldn't make a connection with Frigga this morning but as I was in a very cranky mood due to lack of sleep maybe the fault was mine.  I admit I'm having a hard time connecting with the Norse gods but I really do think it's my reticence to make that step.  I think I'm gun-shy.  Maybe the Greeks hurt me more than I realized.

Who...by the way, drove past the house last night but didn't stop.  Maybe it was because I turned the porch light off, along with all the lights in the house and pretended I wasn't home.  Sometimes I think I should let them come back. Other times I think they're not too reliable and wouldn't stick around anyway.

And this afternoon, Cerridwen stopped by and sat on my hearth altar for a few moments.  She didn't say anything. Just sat there and looked around with a pleased smile on her face.  I can't imagine why as the house is a disaster and needs a thorough cleaning.  But then, she's not a hearth goddess, I don't think.  Maybe she likes chaos.

I'm going to bed and read tonight.  I'm really feeling the pull toward Druidry right now so I might focus on those books rather than my Norse books.  But I haven't given up on them.  I still think we might make a good fit if I could just get my courage up to take that step.  Or maybe I should wait for them to take the first step.

Courting gods is so complex.