Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Roller coaster ride

Thanks so much to my mentors who keep me grounded on this roller coaster ride that is my spiritual journey.  I probably shouldn't have posted last night as I was deep in depression and lack of sleep when nothing is good or interesting.  But I keep my journey transparent, warts and all.

What I discovered last night about the Hellenic system was that there weren't a lot of differences between it and Christianity.  Well, okay, lots more gods and those pesky goddesses for sure, and the retribution can be good thing.  But the piety and humility and (on one site: purity) thing really resembled what I escaped from.  Not to mention the whole bribing the gods aspect of offering sacrifices in order for the gods to grant your request.  And Zeus resembling Yahweh in many, many ways.  Maybe I interpret devotion to the gods in a different way than Hellenes do, but it made my skin crawl to read about it.

Now, that's mostly from reconstructionist sites and I'm not a reconstructionist in any spiritual genre but it did raise some red flags for me.  Not that I am criticizing anyone who is one.  Obviously it's a good fit for them, but in light of my escape from absolutes, it doesn't fit me.

My beautiful mentors have lovingly cautioned me to avoid being too hard on myself during my journey and I really am trying to follow their advice.  I really am, but there's a reason I was a fundamentalist.  Making decisions is so hard for me and as a fundie, I didn't have to think for myself.  Don't let them kid you, neither do they.  What they think about is what they're told to think about.  In such a way they really do think they're come to their own conclusions which are eerily identical to the mainstream thinking.

This is why I have so much trouble finding what is right for me.  I don't trust myself to follow the correct path.  I know...there is no "correct" path.  My heart tells me that but my head (yes, I know...not supposed to trust it) is so bossy and domineering that my heart can't get a word in edgewise.

I do try though and I promise to make a serious attempt to stop compartmentalizing every aspect of my spirituality.  I don't know why being an eclectic Pagan isn't enough for me.  It should be because it's what I think I am.  I just have trouble not having a label to wear. 

I'll work on that and just follow the path instead of looking for signposts all the time. 

Zach's OCD didn't come out of thin air, you know.  I may not exactly have it but in the test I took I was borderline. 

Thanks so much to my good friends and mentors.  Where would I be without you all.

Blessed be.


  1. Yes, and it was a full moon - I completely forgot about that. Love, light and blessings.

  2. How about putting the books down for a bit. Take a little sabbatical from all the "information". Maybe that will quiet the mind and allow your heart to receive.

    Thanks again for your support and advice about my own personal struggles. I really appreciate your wise words.

  3. Thanks so much,Tana. I did nothing more than light some candles and breathe in that lovely incense you sent me. And spill wax all over my altar cloth/bandana. Still, it was very refreshing and so stress-free to just sit and listen for a while.

    Dark Mother, that is an excellent suggestion. The books are going back to the library and the ones I own are going back on the shelves. I will focus on spirituality instead of religion and learn things I want to learn because I want to learn them, not because I think I need to know them.

    Thanks so much, both of you.