Sometimes the path veers and takes you in a direction you never thought you would go. I worry about that because I don't want to hop from religion to religion, from denomination to denomination and all that. I really want to be settled, but in reality, I'm far from being that. Aside from Lugh, I feel no real connection with any of the Celtic pantheon and of late, even he has felt distant from me. I've been so forlorn about it all that I've even thought about just forgetting all of it and not believe in anything. But...I need something to believe in. It's just the way I'm made.
It's probably been pretty obvious to anyone who reads this blog that I've found it nearly impossible to actually observe any of the sabbats or esbats or even much in the way of daily attention...except for my kitchen altar, which is dedicated to Hestia, of the Greek pantheon. The rituals feel strange, foreign, false on my lips and my heart to the degree I've wondered if I'm a Pagan at all.
Seriously, I hate feeling foolish and the notion of hopping from one religion to another makes me feel foolish and I can't figure out why neither Druidry or Wicca or even the generic Celtic Paganism, seems to fit right. And why I am forever writing about needing to figure out the rituals, find the rituals, make the rituals my own, etc.
My first love was the Greek/Roman pantheon. I found them in grade school and couldn't get enough of them. By 6th grade I had read everything in the library, including Edith Hamilton's mythologies. My heart really soared for the Gods and Goddesses of Olympus. Is this where my heart really resides? In Hellenistic Paganism?
I only know that, of the God/desses I have tried to incorporate into my worship and ritual life, only Pan, Hecate and Hestia remain. None of the Celtic Gods call to me anymore. But I find myself really drawn to ritual, magic and the divination practices of the Greek and Roman religion. I have noticed that my daily ministrations have come to feel more Greek/Roman in nature than the Celtic ones I started out with.
I feel rather foolish, though, hopping around all over the place. Thinking at first that Druidry or a combination of Druidry and Wicca, was a perfect fit for me, now thinking this might be instead. I feel like I'm trying on religions instead of actually applying my devotion to them.
I can't deny, though, that I am more inclined to observe the festivals of the Greek/Roman religion than the nature religions of either Druidry or Wicca. I told myself I was excited about Lughnassadh, Imbolc, Samhain, etc but I was never excited enough to actually do anything about them. The day would come and I would be so totally disinterested that nothing happened. I would make excuses...my fatigue, pain, whatever, but the truth was that the festivals never felt natural, the rituals felt foreign or just plain wrong. But I had to hang onto it because I hadn't considered that anything other than Celtic or Norse Paganism was on the table and I knew that while I can't be a Christian anymore, I had to be something and, let's face it, Celtic and Norse Paganism is gaining popular support and visibility.
Doesn't mean that I don't think there is something valuable in my studies or that I don't still have a great regard for Nature. It just means maybe my path isn't that clear to me yet and maybe I need to explore some other trails.
And for what it's worth, I could never get myself to study any of the Gaelic or Welsh languages, but give me a book on Latin and I'm there. In fact, I have a couple of books on Latin upstairs from college.
I end up feeling confused and silly but I needed to put this into words and share it with those of you out there who have been following my journey.
We'll see where this goes for now. There may be other twists and turns. I'm learning not to carve anything in stone.