I'm so amazed at how simple concepts completely bypass my brain. Dark Mother suggested that I just put away the books and enjoy the journey. Such a simple suggestion but what a life-changing concept. Find my path without books? Just walk the path without guidance? Frightening!
And then it occurred to me that I was practicing a religion, not seeking spirituality. Another piece of baggage from those Christian days when you are expected to study the religion (yeah, I know...it's not a religion, it's a relationship...total crap in reality), dissect it (under the proper guidance, of course...you must come to the same conclusions that prevailing wisdom dictates) and know it. I was doing the same thing with this path as well. Turning it into religion instead of experiencing spirituality. It seems like I knew the right words and the right concepts but was clueless about the application of it.
Last night I lit candles, burned luscious incense and just enjoyed the flames and the scent. I didn't pray, didn't meditate deliberately, didn't focus on a path. Just enjoyed the candles and the smells. It felt good. I wasn't looking in a particular direction (although I will admit that images of Celtic god/desses and the culture came unbidden into my mind.) I emerged from it feeling cleansed from fear and doubt.
And I didn't do anything. I just was. Incredible.
I took my books back to the library although two more were waiting for me that I had on order, but those aren't about finding religion. They're more historical books about religion, which I do love as they're not full of rules and guidelines. Just historical aspects of religion that I never managed to learn in a system that had selectively written the history books. I do like reading the stuff they hid from us.
Also, my husband informed me today, after expressing concern that he hasn't prepared for me in the event of his death, that he wants me to write, even if I never sell a thing because he feels like eventually I will. I've never had that encouragement before and thought all these talks I've been avoiding with him were about me going out and getting a job in a fast food place so I have something to help support myself should he go first. So I'm going to get my crafting stuff organized tonight and make room for writing at my table so I can include that as one of the crafts I am focusing on. I've been avoiding Tarot for a long time because I was afraid of what it was telling me, but I'm going to look more into using my talents for spiritual purposes and not worry about the financial aspects of it. I'll think about that later. I need to let my crafts carry me into a greater spiritual realm because they are spiritual. Not work on them in order to make money. I think that perspective is what has left me paralyzed and unable to do anything lately.
At any rate, I have some direction now that doesn't involve a particular spiritual discipline. I don't feel inclined to limit my spiritual practices to any particular pathway. Now let's just hope I still feel that way in a week or when the next depression cycle hits.
Blessed be.
And then it occurred to me that I was practicing a religion, not seeking spirituality. Another piece of baggage from those Christian days when you are expected to study the religion (yeah, I know...it's not a religion, it's a relationship...total crap in reality), dissect it (under the proper guidance, of course...you must come to the same conclusions that prevailing wisdom dictates) and know it. I was doing the same thing with this path as well. Turning it into religion instead of experiencing spirituality. It seems like I knew the right words and the right concepts but was clueless about the application of it.
Last night I lit candles, burned luscious incense and just enjoyed the flames and the scent. I didn't pray, didn't meditate deliberately, didn't focus on a path. Just enjoyed the candles and the smells. It felt good. I wasn't looking in a particular direction (although I will admit that images of Celtic god/desses and the culture came unbidden into my mind.) I emerged from it feeling cleansed from fear and doubt.
And I didn't do anything. I just was. Incredible.
I took my books back to the library although two more were waiting for me that I had on order, but those aren't about finding religion. They're more historical books about religion, which I do love as they're not full of rules and guidelines. Just historical aspects of religion that I never managed to learn in a system that had selectively written the history books. I do like reading the stuff they hid from us.
Also, my husband informed me today, after expressing concern that he hasn't prepared for me in the event of his death, that he wants me to write, even if I never sell a thing because he feels like eventually I will. I've never had that encouragement before and thought all these talks I've been avoiding with him were about me going out and getting a job in a fast food place so I have something to help support myself should he go first. So I'm going to get my crafting stuff organized tonight and make room for writing at my table so I can include that as one of the crafts I am focusing on. I've been avoiding Tarot for a long time because I was afraid of what it was telling me, but I'm going to look more into using my talents for spiritual purposes and not worry about the financial aspects of it. I'll think about that later. I need to let my crafts carry me into a greater spiritual realm because they are spiritual. Not work on them in order to make money. I think that perspective is what has left me paralyzed and unable to do anything lately.
At any rate, I have some direction now that doesn't involve a particular spiritual discipline. I don't feel inclined to limit my spiritual practices to any particular pathway. Now let's just hope I still feel that way in a week or when the next depression cycle hits.
Blessed be.
I smiled all the way through this post Kathy. Your heart is leading you....keep on following it.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your wisdom. So far I'm doing well with it but I don't doubt my old training will rear its head eventually. I do feel this time I'm better prepared for it. In the meantime, I'm really enjoying the journey finally.
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