I have figured out what exactly it is that has left me feeling a bit unfulfilled with Paganism. As a Christian I never had any desire to be the pastor or the priest. I was quite content to be ministered to and to supply the responses needed. As a Pagan, and particularly as a solitary, I am the priestess. I am responsible for ritual and preparation and content. I just hadn't looked at it in those terms before. So while I've been waiting for a ritual to fall in my lap and for everything to coalesce, I've been failing to see that my responsibilities were to create the ritual and make the preparations myself. It's a daunting task for me, but now that I see the situation as it is, one I shall step up to the altar and accomplish. I can be so obtuse at times.
Zach and I grabbed a bite to eat tonight when I went to pick up my prescription. I had forgotten that Christian Boy still worked at Wendy's and I had my new necklace on. I'll admit that I was a coward and kept my coat on. While Caleb no longer waxes long and poetic about Jesus, it's still awkward around him. I think we'll just avoid Wendy's after school hours. Next year he'll be up at Bible college learning to indoctrinate teens so we'll be safe after that.
I'm determined to celebrate the full moon this month. I have the ambition every month but no follow through. This month I am hoping to break that cycle and actually accomplish some things spiritually. I'm going through a spiritual slump right now and could use a lift. I haven't done a lot of ritual but every time I do, I come out of it exhausted and exhilarated. I need to exercise those spiritual muscles more, starting with daily, monthly and seasonal rituals. Just looking at my altar on a daily basis helps. I know who and what I am whenever I see it. Actually using it helps more.
Zach was a bit down today, saying that he knows what his path is, but he just can't seem to walk on it. I told him he already is walking on it. Just because he's not making progress or doing ritual or focusing on it doesn't mean he's not already on the path. I hope that made him feel better.
Off to knit and watch some television and maybe even read if I can keep my brain working.