Monday, November 29, 2010

Figuring out how to escape

I've been so spiritually lazy lately.  Come to think of it, I've probably always been spiritually lazy.  I've let days go past without reading or studying or doing more than offer a quick prayer to the God/desses.  Part of that is due to my lack of concentration and part of it is not having any set rituals that I'm comfortable with.  But the biggest part is just being plain lazy.  I want to progress spiritually.  I want to grow and develop and improve my relationship with the ancestors and the God/desses.  I'm just a bit lazy about getting it started.

It's not just spirituality.  I have a hard time incorporating various disciplines into my daily life that I'm interested in but just too tired to do anything about.  And let's face it...just too lazy to make the effort to make the habits part of my life.

I'm also lazy about relationships.  I guess part of my laziness is due to the incredible fatigue that just swamps me but relationships are just too much effort for me right now.  So what else can it be besides laziness?

Depression maybe?  Possibly except I don't feel like I'm in the low part of my cycle right now.  I seem to thrive in the dark parts of the year.  Except I'm still so stinking tired.

I have all kinds of grandiose plans that never seem to pan out due to lack of ambition.  Or just plain fatigue.

I spend too much of my time beating myself up for not getting things done when that effort might be better spent on actually just doing what I can and not castigating myself for what I can't get done.

Maybe it's not really laziness after all.  Maybe it's just fatigue and depression immobilizing me.  Withdrawing from the world isn't laziness.  It's depression, for pete's sake!

I simply must stop being my own abuser and just cut myself some slack from now on.  I'll bet that if I could do that, I'd have more energy and interest in things.

How do you defend yourself against an abuser when the abuser is you?

I need to work this out and I think I'm on the verge of an answer.  If only I had the energy to really ponder it.


  1. Don't you have fibromyalgia? Chronic fatigue is part of that, isn't it? I once heard fibromyalgia defined as chronic fatigue syndrome plus pain. If that's the case, then why beat yourself up? It's not laziness.

  2. Yeah, I've got fibromyalgia but I also have years of being told I was lazy by my ex-husband. Not to mention other relatives telling me I need to just work through it and just get out there and do it. It's hard not to think of myself as lazy when I lay around all day or when I just can't seem to move. Those nice little indoctrinations take their toll on my brain.

    I'm fortunate that my present husband seems to understand my situation but I still project it onto him, that he, like the others, just think I'm lazy.

    I am trying to stop beating myself up though.