Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Time to tackle magic

There is a beautiful moon out tonight, full of energy and spirituality.  I will take advantage of it in a bit, after I get my room organized.  It's hard to do in a small space when you have more furniture than actually fits in there, but I'm giving it a go.

I was telling Zach tonight on the way home from errands that I've been experiencing that wave of energy I have only felt at the altar before, only now I experience it off and on throughout the day.  In some ways it's a bit frightening; in other ways it feels great.  Which is why it's a bit frightening.  I have had this thought before that I ran the risk of getting addicted to the feeling rather than connecting closer to the deity.  It's ever on my mind whenever I experience this rush of energy that sends chills throughout my body.

So I think it's time to learn how to harness that energy, to learn how to direct it where it needs to go instead of inhabiting my body at odd times throughout the day and night.  The gods must be telling me I'm ready to do magic.

I also had some thoughts this week regarding the "love bomb" I got from people I didn't know.  I really do appreciate what my niece did for me.  She's one of the absolute best people I know, but coming from an evangelical/fundamentalist world, I'm a bit put off by declarations of love from complete strangers.  See, there exists in that world something called "edifying the Body."  The "Body" being the church (body of Christ) and all who dwell therein.  It's something they do to build people up in their faith.  The other thing they do is tear people down in their faith but that's a whole 'nother blog post. 

In edifying the Body, they tell people things they think they want or need to hear.  Like you compliment someone's singing even if it took the paint off your nails and caused your 'do to droop. You tell them how much you were uplifted by their singing.  You also tell people you don't know how much you love them because you can see Jesus in them.  A lot of those comments on my blog were of that nature.  I love you because of Jesus.  or  I love you because Jesus does.  Or I can see Jesus in you.

But lying for Jesus has some seriously bad side effects.  People really do know you're lying.  And now they can't believe anything you say.  I was just as guilty of this as anyone else; I told people what thought would build them up even though I knew it was a sack of horse shit.  A large, smelly sack of grade-A horse shit.  People can tell when a compliment is over the top because it never sounds genuine.

I swear I would rather be insulted than endure an insincere compliment.  At least the insult is genuine.

So what happens to people when they hear all this bullshit about how wonderful they are or how beautiful their voices are or what a godly wife they must be (because they don't know how you've struggled day and night with not only doubt but that feeling that because your husband doesn't go to church you're not really a part of it all because aside from the compliments they don't really invite you to stuff that "families" are invited to.)  You get a bit jaded from all the gushing and lose sight of what really matters...you.  It doesn't build you up at all.  It tears you down because you know they're lying to you because they think you're so pathetic you need those lies in order to have a good day.

So...yeah, I'm one of the bitter ones.  I heard all the compliments, endured all the lies about how wonderful I was as a Christian (they never build you up for being a person...just your identity as a Christian) when I knew they didn't mean it.  Because it just wasn't true. 

So, when I had over 80 comments telling me what a wonderful person I was and how upbeat and positive I was, from people who didn't know me, had never heard of me before and had only read one fucking blog post, it was incredibly depressing.  Gods know my niece never intended that to be the result but it was.  And this is one of the reasons I'm in this deep funk right now.  Something I would never acknowledge on my other blog.  In fact, I've resisted writing this for a while for the hits on that particular post to die off.

Now, this isn't to say that I don't like to hear from people who know me, who want to tell me something they like about me.  Who doesn't?  Comments on this blog feel genuine because they're based on who I really am.  Not who I'm supposed to be.  When you guys give me feedback, it feels honest, even if I don't think that highly of myself.  It still feels genuine and not some kind of plastic bullshit that is supposed to miraculously make me feel better. 

I'll get over this but every encounter I have had lately with Christianity has done nothing to make me feel anything but positive about my decision to leave it behind. I know that Paganism in all its manifestations is far from perfect, and I've seen, especially lately, some of the bitter in-fighting that happens, but Paganism doesn't dictate the division like Christianity does.  But your mileage may vary.

BB

11 comments:

  1. I hear you on that one. I hate being lied to.

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    1. They don't think of it as lying. Which explains all the other lying they do to ruin people's reputations.

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  2. I think your first act of magic should be to cut your emotional ties to Christianity. Just my opinion.

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    1. I'm not sure exactly how to do that since my parents and sisters are Christians and it's all I ever hear about when I talk to my parents on the phone. I suspect my older sister the minister has outed me to them, but they would never come out and ask because denial is their home state. So I am bombarded with stories about their church and the "miracles" that happen in it and various other "uplifting" stories. Not talking to them isn't an option for a number of reasons (one being that I love them) but so far I've managed to stay away as long as I can. Last summer my sisters tricked me into going down there by saying my dad was seriously ill (he wasn't) and I'm sure I'll fall for it again. But when it's in my face every other week, it's hard to forget it all. I am thinking of a shielding spell of some kind to protect me from the emotions that are prevalent in the discussions.

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  3. I think I should have said more. I don't mean to actually cut off your loved ones, I mean to cut your emotional ties to the suffocation and pain that Christianity that was forced upon you has inflicted. I was once friends with a Witch who was raised in a Christian family. I mean Jesus Camp shit. Anywho, she did a spell where she released herself emotionally from that pain while still allowing herself to be around it (she lived in the South, can't really get away from it there). I guess it's like that whole Buddhist non-attachment thing. But with some magic stirred in the pot. I think a lot of the reading you do about the crazy shit these crazy Christians do also affects you in ways you probably don't even realize. That's just another example.

    Again, I've gone and Ms. Bossy McBosserstein, so take what you will and leave what is shit : )

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    1. Well, Ms. McBosserstein, your advice is sound and once I get over this fucking depression, I'll look into doing something that gets me those results. Right now, I don't dare try to attempt anything magical until my brain and soul are in sync again.

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  4. ~hugs~ Perhaps work on your shields? I like the big mirror effect of mine. Anything I don't like, don't care about, or I worry will harm me.. just bounces off and reflects back to the person its from. In family situations it might be handy for any of the loving things you care about will pass through, and all the emotional dumpage of "Christ is good!" can just bounce off and go back to them. After all it won't harm them and they will be happy with it.

    :) Just a few cents!

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    1. I think shields are a good start. And reflecting back the piety sounds like a great idea. :) But as I said above...I've got to kick this depression first. It will happen; I just don't have an itinerary yet.

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    2. :) You'll get there when its time. Thats the way it goes and boy do I understand. Our Brains are funny things. Until then, hugs and good thoughts for you!

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  5. The shield idea is probably a good starting point, just IMO. I went the other direction regarding Christianity: it's not Christ I have a problem with, it's his followers. I was raised to accept an all-wise all-powerful and all-loving God and on some levels I still believe that. I've heard it said by numerous theological, cultural and language scholars of my varied acquaintance that early Christians would be ashamed to practice what passes as Christianity today. Ghandi was right when he said "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ."

    Paganism places a huge emphasis on family ties, but mine were cut a while ago. I'm left not really Christian, not really Pagan, and frankly I like it here.

    I guess the moral of that ramble is that shields are a good place to start and after that we all have to figure out what works best for us.

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    1. I have many problems with Christianity but just as many problems with its adherents, to be honest. While I think the liberal Christians are a lot nicer to deal with, their attitudes can be just as patronizing as the right. And don't get me started on how each side chooses to view one particular side of Jesus. Both exist in the Bible but each side cherry-picks the Jesus they want to believe in. I'm glad you found something that works for you, though.

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