Time to tackle magic

There is a beautiful moon out tonight, full of energy and spirituality.  I will take advantage of it in a bit, after I get my room organized.  It's hard to do in a small space when you have more furniture than actually fits in there, but I'm giving it a go.

I was telling Zach tonight on the way home from errands that I've been experiencing that wave of energy I have only felt at the altar before, only now I experience it off and on throughout the day.  In some ways it's a bit frightening; in other ways it feels great.  Which is why it's a bit frightening.  I have had this thought before that I ran the risk of getting addicted to the feeling rather than connecting closer to the deity.  It's ever on my mind whenever I experience this rush of energy that sends chills throughout my body.

So I think it's time to learn how to harness that energy, to learn how to direct it where it needs to go instead of inhabiting my body at odd times throughout the day and night.  The gods must be telling me I'm ready to do magic.

I also had some thoughts this week regarding the "love bomb" I got from people I didn't know.  I really do appreciate what my niece did for me.  She's one of the absolute best people I know, but coming from an evangelical/fundamentalist world, I'm a bit put off by declarations of love from complete strangers.  See, there exists in that world something called "edifying the Body."  The "Body" being the church (body of Christ) and all who dwell therein.  It's something they do to build people up in their faith.  The other thing they do is tear people down in their faith but that's a whole 'nother blog post. 

In edifying the Body, they tell people things they think they want or need to hear.  Like you compliment someone's singing even if it took the paint off your nails and caused your 'do to droop. You tell them how much you were uplifted by their singing.  You also tell people you don't know how much you love them because you can see Jesus in them.  A lot of those comments on my blog were of that nature.  I love you because of Jesus.  or  I love you because Jesus does.  Or I can see Jesus in you.

But lying for Jesus has some seriously bad side effects.  People really do know you're lying.  And now they can't believe anything you say.  I was just as guilty of this as anyone else; I told people what thought would build them up even though I knew it was a sack of horse shit.  A large, smelly sack of grade-A horse shit.  People can tell when a compliment is over the top because it never sounds genuine.

I swear I would rather be insulted than endure an insincere compliment.  At least the insult is genuine.

So what happens to people when they hear all this bullshit about how wonderful they are or how beautiful their voices are or what a godly wife they must be (because they don't know how you've struggled day and night with not only doubt but that feeling that because your husband doesn't go to church you're not really a part of it all because aside from the compliments they don't really invite you to stuff that "families" are invited to.)  You get a bit jaded from all the gushing and lose sight of what really matters...you.  It doesn't build you up at all.  It tears you down because you know they're lying to you because they think you're so pathetic you need those lies in order to have a good day.

So...yeah, I'm one of the bitter ones.  I heard all the compliments, endured all the lies about how wonderful I was as a Christian (they never build you up for being a person...just your identity as a Christian) when I knew they didn't mean it.  Because it just wasn't true. 

So, when I had over 80 comments telling me what a wonderful person I was and how upbeat and positive I was, from people who didn't know me, had never heard of me before and had only read one fucking blog post, it was incredibly depressing.  Gods know my niece never intended that to be the result but it was.  And this is one of the reasons I'm in this deep funk right now.  Something I would never acknowledge on my other blog.  In fact, I've resisted writing this for a while for the hits on that particular post to die off.

Now, this isn't to say that I don't like to hear from people who know me, who want to tell me something they like about me.  Who doesn't?  Comments on this blog feel genuine because they're based on who I really am.  Not who I'm supposed to be.  When you guys give me feedback, it feels honest, even if I don't think that highly of myself.  It still feels genuine and not some kind of plastic bullshit that is supposed to miraculously make me feel better. 

I'll get over this but every encounter I have had lately with Christianity has done nothing to make me feel anything but positive about my decision to leave it behind. I know that Paganism in all its manifestations is far from perfect, and I've seen, especially lately, some of the bitter in-fighting that happens, but Paganism doesn't dictate the division like Christianity does.  But your mileage may vary.

BB