Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I hate it when I whine

I had a strange dream last night, most of which I don't remember.  What does stick out is someone being persecuted for being a witch and me crying out that I was a witch, too, in an attempt to help her.  I'm not sure what it means as I don't really identify as a witch at all, although I do have one on my altar.  I mostly think of myself as a Pagan with Druid leanings, not terribly into magick but not oppose to it either.  I think the dream was probably more about being in the closet to my parents than anything else so I'm not going to dissect it.

I woke up early this morning having gone to bed early last night.  Hoping to have some alone time at my altar, I lit my candles, said a few prayers and was going to just sit and meditate for a while but Tom got up early and that distracted me to the degree that I just let my candles burn and grabbed a few books on Druidry and just sat and read.  I was a bit peeved that the one morning I was able to wake up early I couldn't have time alone, but it wasn't Tom's fault.  He had to go into work early today.  Sometimes it's just the way things work out.  It sucks, but it's just life.

I haven't gotten any more done on the grove/faerie garden yet.  I'm still hurting and have a bit of a tummy ache today so I'm taking another day off.  I'm doing some thinking about taking better care of myself as well.  That conversation isn't going so well as I keep making excuses to myself.  Watching a documentary on Queen with the death of Freddy Mercury so emotionally and beautifully presented made me fret about my health and how I'm not doing what I need to do to help prevent the cancer from coming back, let alone managing my diabetes.  When I'm like this, with no energy to even manage the simplest chores, I know I should take those steps to better health.  And yet, I am paralyzed into inaction by both my fears and by the knowledge that I have failed each and every time I've tried to lose weight.

And I know people care about me and want to help me but I get so tired of hearing about diets or plans that are guaranteed to work.  Ha!  If they worked, no one would be fat, eh?  Except lazy-ass people who just love not fitting into clothes or booths or have to sleep sitting up or suffer all kinds of stomach ailments because of it.  Because being fat is just so fucking fun, you know?

At any rate, I need to at least focus on being nice to myself, loving myself more and appreciating even my tiny efforts around the house and garden.

And speaking of gardens, I once again forgot to pray to the land spirits.  I think I'll just go outside and do it tonight when I go out to see how many tobacco plants didn't make the transplant.  I think I lose least.

I can only try to do better tomorrow. 

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