Thursday, June 23, 2011

It was enough

I felt more connected today.  To the God/desses, Nature, my household responsibilities, but more importantly, I felt more connected to myself today.  I don't know how much control I have over this depression and fatigue, if I can keep that connection intact or if it's just inevitable that it will be weaker from time to time.  I just know that it felt good to attend my altar this morning.  My morning prayer to Brighid (when I pray) is always...may this day be more productive than yesterday.  Today was the first time in a long time that my prayer bore fruit.  I'm trying very hard not to dissect all of this, but to enjoy it for what it was.

I set aside some time for reading and pondering this morning.  My brain is too mushy for meditation so I settle for just pondering things for now.  I was careful not to overload my brain and just let myself mull over a few things, like what our relationship with the God/desses is supposed to be like.  Granted, that's enough for a few years, let alone a few minutes, but it was the seed I needed to plant in this garden of my mind.  Once I get it weeded, maybe I'll be able to function better with meditation and pondering.  I'm still a bit raw from my past spiritual experiences so it's hard for me to give myself completely to any Diety, but I am learning to trust.  Day by day.

I'm hoping to discipline myself enough that I keep training my mind and spirit, keep refreshing them and keep feeding and watering them.  I definitely feel better when I do, but when I'm tired and brain-fried, it's so hard to keep up with it.  I've never been very good at follow-through in any area of my life.  Something I really need to work on.  My mother says I never finish anything.  That's not true, of course, but I do frequently start things I don't finish.

I don't know how to banish the negativity from my life.  I suppose that's another thing I need to learn how to do.  But for now, I just know that I had a good day, I got things done that needed to get done and I felt my relationship with the God/desses grow firmer while my inner self grew stronger. 

And that's enough for today.

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